A letter from Jul 15, 2022

Dear FutureMe, first of all: weight:61 kg idk should I write in English or Turkish lol. but I hope you're doing okay:) bcuz I am actually not okay. I hope I'm not making you remember your traumas but im- uuuhhmm sorry but u know I wanna talk. maybe you don't remember him but (I KNOW YOU WILL BECAUSE IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO FORGET ABOUT THIS) I'm just gonna call him "k" you know he broke up with me ON MY ******* BIRTHDAY. (literally loml behavior 😍) anyway. it's been a ******* month and I still can't move on. LIKE WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME? i know i sound like a ******* teenager with those words but im so mad at myself. people out there ending their 4 years old relationships and we just met 2 times and we kissed and **** and we had been together for approximately 4 months and I wasn't in love w him for a month but here I am.. crying for him everyday and here he is.. ON A VACATION WITH HIS ******* FRIENDS. istg im gonna lose my mind. I AM LITERALLY GONNA LOSE MY GOD**** MIND. He was the one that wanted me first but look how the tables turned.. actually i dont know what to say anymore. i ran out of words. but i just want this to end. i mean the pain. idk if im just being dramatic but i literally feel the warmness in my heart. i mean it obviously doesnt give me physical pain but I feel like i feel the fire. its just there and i feel it more when i focus on it. like right now.. i feel it so bad. i dont think i deserve this. i mean you know me im trying my best to be nice to people even the ones that hurt me. is this happening bcuz im not pretty enough? lol. maybe.. idk i dont wanna face this rn sooorryyy. but since im gonna get a nose surgery MAYBE SOMETHİNG WİLL CHANGE. hopefully... u know what.**** this. there are more important things to talk about actually. buutt im gonna send them with a new letter bcuz this one is ****** up so this letter is just a **** talk lol and i wanna mention smth. im not a biggggesst 5sos fan anymore. i mean i still love their music i have their pictures and everthing but idk im not that CRAZY EXCİTED fan anymore. bcuz of k istg he literally made me lost my shine. YOU KNOW WHAT 2 days ago i eat a chicken durum but i didnt even enjoy the food. i changed a llot. i dont enjoy eating any food anymore. EVEN FRIES. idk whats wrong w me.. i feel like i know but idk. and i started to plucking my hair and eyebrows again. sigh. BUTBUBUT back of my hair is turquoıse if that matters lol. you have depression but at least i have turqoıse hair. I HOPE U REMEMBER THAT JOKE im so tired of writing something aahh anyway. hope ur having a good day. and i hope youre happy. bcuz u deserve to be happy. i mean it.<3 love, pastme