A letter from June 28th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I am… struggling I know that when you get this you’ll probably be happy and in a relationship or even married, but right now I’m having a hard time. You know that me and God had that deal… the one where I didn’t want to feel anything for anyone AT ALL until I find THE ONE. Well I met a guy, I never would have ever thought anything about him, but for some reason I decided to give him a try. I didn’t have any feelings for him, but then again I didn’t really know him. So we talked for a while, and he asked me out….. I said yes. Shocking I know. I never say yes. But I went, and he was great, and sweet, and he cared about my opinion, and made an effort to see me. He was perfect. But then I pushed him away. And I think that that’s what I needed at the time, because my mental health was SO bad. If you remember anything about your younger self you’ll know how insecure you were and how much you hated your body. The late nights of crying, the glaring at yourself in the mirror as you grab the little fat you have on your belly and visualize slicing it off with a knife, the binging and feeling guilty the purging. It was at an all time high while I was talking to him, especially the over thinking. Every word he said I dissected, and poked through and tried to find ulterior motives for why he was talking to me, because it couldn’t be that he just liked me and wanted to get to know me better. Well I needed a break so that I could fix myself, and I did. I never had feelings for him, BEFORE, but after the time away and after I got better it felt like the haze I had asked God to put over my eyes for men, had been lifted and I could see him differently. It’s like God had said to me, “It’s time, you’re ready.” And imagine how I felt! Omg?! What the heck?! Him? After I told myself I don’t care about him? After I convinced myself that he hates me?! After I pushed him away and he doesn’t even talk to me anymore?! Why?! Why no?! What am I supposed to do?! So I reached out first, just something simple, and he responds. But it was such a dry response that I was SO discouraged, and I begged God to tell me what to expect. What do I do? And he said wait. So I’m waiting. And I’m trying to leave it up to the Big Guy, but He really is testing my patience. I hope that you’re reading this and laughing, either with him or with someone else, but I hope you’re happy. See ya….