A letter from Jun 23, 2022

Hi me, First off, happy 24th birthday! It is currently your 21st self, slightly tipsy and still a bit, no actually a lot heartbroken from you know who, if you still remember. The last time I wrote a letter to myself it was for my freshly graduated self. That person who had aspirations of the unknown. Who didn't know who to become after high school or how they would end up a year into college. Whether they'd also think their future-self would figure their **** out and wouldn't need to write an email to the future anymore to comfort or remind them of who they were. Humble beginnings and all the bull. I stare at this nice rainbow keyboard (which hopefully you still have) trying to contemplate what to say to distract myself from this heartbreak. I just opened that strawberry soju bottle that I got from Melanie just a day before my birthday. I hope we are still one of the strongest and best-est of friends. She really did help me after the breakup. So did JP, which again, hope those are one of the friendships that never and can't die. In fact it seems impossible for it to end. Friends until *****. I'm going to take a shot before I ask this question and dive deep into more. Strawberry soju isn't as bad when cold. Are you and Julian now friends or has that ship sailed, and or sunk. Truth is as much as I am still hurt, I hope that in the future wherever I end up, that everything is all good between us. Well, between you two at least. I like to talk in that perspective because I know who I will be in 3 years is something I'll just have to find out. A different person basically. I am you, but obviously (and probably drastically) more naive than you. Even in a year, I'll know more and learn more. Right now, I miss him. I just told him that it was best that we go our own ways for now. He only said, "i understand". And I left it at that. I really, really, really and really hope that I don't regret telling him what I said. Obviously, I am frustrated. I miss him. His scent every time we cuddled in bed. When I would put my face into the back of his neck and it would help me sleep. I hope I don't take melatonin anymore by the way, unless I'm already addicted to it or just use weed to sleep. Oh yeah have I done shrooms yet? Anyways, yeah, I miss him. But for my own sake I thought it was best that I told him we shouldn't see each other for a while. That seeing him or talking to him would only hurt more because I still want to see him as my boyfriend. But now I can't. Like I shouldn't allow myself to. That it's wrong if I even have the thought of it. But the more I think about it the more I hate myself and get frustrated at the fact that he let me go for his own sake and that I have to respect that. Seven months may not be a long time for some in a relationship. But then you look into those days, hours, seconds you spend together and it feels like a long time and that it could last forever, or for at least longer than a year realistically. I wish it did last forever. We did so much together, went to places together, shared so much of each other. Then suddenly one night it was gone. Every memory, every place you've visited, every song. Tainted. Burnt. Bloodied. I hope you haven't gone through one since writing this letter, but knowing myself, you've gone through at least 3. I hope I've healed by then. I don't know if you will remember, but I'd still check his socials to see if anything's changed or just wondering if maybe I said the right things and make the right decision. I really don't want to regret it, but maybe I will and that I'll just have to live by that. I know that things don't last forever, and that I know that what we had wasn't going to last a while, but I at least wanted to go over a year. I feel stupid for wanted to hold him now. I feel stupid for thinking that he's just let go easily. It's hard for the both of us, but now I feel that I am the one right now whose truly making a rash decision without even saying it truly. I don't want to write a book here, but then again I also don't know the word limit for this website so let's just carry on. How's mom? Do you still piss her off and does she still piss you off? Has her jewelry business on whatever that website was taken off? Was it just a past time in the night because her kids would be of 'galabanting' somewhere else, or has she established her multi-billion dollar empire of stone jewelry. I hope she's doing amazing. Don't forgot to tell her that you love her even if it feels weird. Things don't last forever and could be gone in an instant is what I've learned this past week. Is Krista doing great? If you don't remember this is the year she just graduated with her BFA in Graphic Design. Oh that reminds me, did you finish school? Did I walk or did I still say **** it, who needs it. I also hope that you've figured that out. I know I still have the mentality of "entertainment industry especially in my tech field doesn't need it, really relies on connections, personality, blah blah blah". But behind it all I'm just scared and I hate doing GE's and college is still expensive. God I hope I'm doing okay by then. Anyways, what's Krista up to now? Have we both moved out yet or still with mom? Either way I hope you two have stuck together and haven't ****** each other yet. With each paragraph I do by the way I take another shot, so hopefully I'm still aware enough by the end of this that my grammar is somewhat coherent. Alright, semi-big one. How's Dad. Has he found out about us being *** or did I finally get sick of it and got the guts to tell him myself. Or maybe I was outed again. I hope he's also doing very well regardless. Even if my fear of him disowning because of that fact has come true, he did take care of me and has supported by career and life decisions, even if he didn't know what the hell I was doing most of the time or even if Mom didn't approve but accepted that I was going into theater tech, not nursing. Or maybe I reversed and dropped the theater tech gig and actually did nursing. If I did that would be really ******* funny. Finally, how are you? Do you still overthink a lot? Have I finally gained the confidence in myself? Do I have a smokin' hot bod? Or do I just look the same but older, more tito. To be fair, I have so many god **** questions for you. I want to fit them all in here but I don't know why I won't. Or why I can't. I think I just want to live. Find out for myself. I hope you live to see a thousand sun rises and sun sets. Go through many heartbreaks and losses. And a million happy moments. You deserve it, especially (and hopefully) being alive this long. We still have a long way to go. So hopefully I kept on fighting through this and a lot of hardships I know that I'm going to face. I'll see you soon future me.