A letter from Jun 23, 2022

Hey, this is the second part of my letter. I sent it first but the first part will follow. It is warm here today. (28°C!) Love from Elsie in 23.06.2022 I will continue answering past Elsie in this terribly long letter now. My sincere apologies now. The glowup is an ever evolving process. I feel better about my face in general, the style that I have, the way that I dress. My style has changed for sure, I dress accordingly to the weather and boy does it change out here. I kind of forgot the lack of regularity of the weather. It's nice, I feel like I'm writing to myself again hehe. Screw that feeling of scutiny I had yesterday when I tried to write a little. Anyhow, yes, the weather is an absolute mess. A heatwave followed by a cold and rainy day, followed by another heatwave and rain again. Now now, I must admit that the fashion sense here has not improved a bit. Barely, it has no appeal to me at all. I find no inspiration in the vivid green dresses that clashes with the soft lime green of the sofas in Da Mauro or the whatever the current trend is at the moment. None of it appeals to me. I must admit, I have been more aware and more in tune with my depressive tendencies. With the way that I feel about life, I can put it into words again. Try to start understanding myself. Of course there are both advantages and disadvantages. I think I didn't miss out a single thing while describing Taiwan. I must add, while in Taiwan I lived, ate and spent like a tourist. I think now, it is clear to me that that life style was not sustainable to begin with. It is a mistake a made while being abroad and one that I will learn from. It is rather interesting to note. Playing the piano, listening to audio books, doing workout in my room or going inline skating does do me good in a lot of ways. Culture is of no pretence here, it exists as it is and not for aesthetic purposes. I absolutely despite hearing about and seeing people that I used to know in middle or high school. In a sense it is also something that pushes me to consider a longer stay here. They have barely changed, they probably won't. I don't want to be like this. It seems rather depressing. I'm already depressed enough as it is. But yes, as I've lived here before the shock was big at first but I was quick to adapt. I was able to clearly understand what I missed, put it into words and clear ideas. When I left to Taiwan I didn't know because I still had everything within my reach. I also didn't know what to expect of advantages and disadvantages. That in itself is already an enriching experience. I haven't been abroad since. It's still summer, but I'm thinking. Going to Taiwan will make me feel trapped. No doubt. But staying here will as well. So it's up to me to come with solutions. It's giving me a headache. There are some options. Going back to Taiwan during my self-study semester before doing an internship in Europe somewhere. Or doing another self-study semester in Belgium and then move to Taiwan/elsewhere in Europe for an internship (that I have yet to find). Or trying to start my second semester in Maastricht University. Or start a whole new bachelor somewhere... I'm not quite sure, it's scary. It all depends on me and my decisions and the course of actions that I take. I don't think I have much other observations really. Flemish people and maybe even Belgian people seem to have descended into a collective depression. People are significantly fatter, those that aren't are rather arrogant about it, there is a lack of promotion of cultural events like there was in Paris, everything also seemed so much more dirty when I went to the city, but on the other hand the suburbs are cleaner. There's always some esalator that doesn't work and people are not to keen on saying hello, bye or thank you. It is a rarity. People don't rush to help you in their store. It is the small things that I have already adapted to for the most part. But then again, that doesn't make them unfriendly, they are not fake. They can genuinly smile if they want to reassure you, if they're in a good mood, or generally a happy person. They are maybe not as helpful but that is fine, I have to rely on myself more and that is simply our culture. The individuality allows for more freedom to express oneself - athough contained and very much still judged by others - so much so that copying is regarded as a negative trait. Having the same clothes is a rarity, it is a shameful thing that occurs on a nice day. Whereas in Taiwan it was rather nice, I could blend in with everyone. Wearing the same colour cheme as 10 other girls, wearing the same clothes as 5 other girls, wearing a mask and looking like everyone else, eventually I would've started to behave like everyone else too... It has been halted now of course. My life now, it's okay. It's rather fine. I feel very insecure about my weight. But I also feel stressed out, anxious, sad and alone. I also feel like I have a lot of time to think, read books, study and do the things I want to do. But I constrain myself still. I think I'm afraid of being a failure. Of enjoying myself, my life. I seems that I don't allow myself to do so because it only points out that I could've worked during that time. Worked or studied or do something to be more skinny. I know it sounds ridiculous but it's my thought pattern. It really is. It is complicated being me. There is toomuch layers of suffering, of unhappiness and insecurity that I can only peel away to uncover and not get rid off. I wonder what it feels like to be someone else, to feel different in my body and my life. To perceive it differently, to perceive me differently, from an outside look. To have an honest and comprehensive opinion. I also still don't know what life will be like for future us. We could ask future future Elsie maybe? I'm still me really, nothing changed much. I just have a lot of time to think. I like that. But I think it also detaches me from my environment, other than a close connection with my family I have a tendency to neglect anything else that doesn't directly concerns me. Conversations, friends or relations. I might've become more selfish or at least caught up with myself by now. It is concerning maybe, or important to consider for later. In my relationships and the way that I function in life. My emotional state is rather stable. I'm not too happy, usually a bit grumpy when I go outside. I'm often sad at night or when I'm honest about my feelings for Baloo. Sometimes I feel depressed about my future and sometimes very angsty. It depends on the conversations I have with either myself, Viktor or my parents. I feel rather content when I play the piano or inline skate. When I do my daily workouts, I usually die. At the end of the day, I hate myself when I look in the mirror and promise myself not to eat for a day. Then the next day I break it but the emptiness, the loneliness, the boredom and the anxiety take control. I don't have a boyfriend, I think I want one or at least go on a date, or get close to someone. I know very well that I'm not even healed one bit, I'm aware that I'm very destructive and I feel vengeful for the pain that I've felt in the past months. I want someone to fall as deeply for me as I did for Baloo and then feel absolutely crushed. I'm really hurting so bad that I can't imagine myself being genuinely nice to someone. So this is also a reply to your question about love. Love is rotten at the moment, at least the one that I'm willing to provide to anyone that is not Baloo. I think that is what I want Marcus to feel after we meet, what I want anyone to feel who dares to come close to me and be nice to me. But David makes the exception. Mainly because I noticed he is genuinly a nice guy. Someone who cares, and I guess, a lot of guys can be like that. It takes a few months to coax them out of their protective shell, a few travels together and maybe a few changes in which the meetings persist. But I'm not of that nature. At least not yet. I'm rather open, I'm easily into people, maybe too quickly, maybe that made me too suspicious of the way I felt about Baloo. But it was significant from the start. He didn't feel creepy, he didn't feel weird, he was just him and that was more than enough. It's complex and I'll leave it at that. I don't love myself more now. Maybe I've come to hate myself, the core of who I am, a bit less. I still struggle every single day. When I look into the mirror, when I walk and catch my reflection from every single perspective - in the cars, the store fronts, the tram halting in front of me - except the ones that I can conrol. My videos, my pictures. But sometimes I still catch myself hating on my features. My eyes that look so tired, my nose that is so big or my chin that is not as defined from my neck as I would like. I'm working out though, every single day. I don't particularly like, but that is the one thing that keeps me afloat. I think about me as a person, I'm aware I'm rather nice, but I struggle to move this thought to my daily life. It takes a great deal to come to this conclusion every once in a while, but then it just makes me feel alone and isolated which I don't understand, then I realize I'm just too difficult when it comes to love or that men are **** in general and I go back to agonizing about Baloo. Is it an obsession maybe? Sometimes I'm in love with myself. But I think I told you already, or I will. I still miss the rose tea though. I really miss using laxatives to alleviate the guilt I feel about eating too much. I had my laxative stash in my fridge in case I suddenly felt fat. It was lovely. I hated myself back then too. But I've always done so. I'm still not skinny enough, my waist is not 2cms larger than two weeks ago. It's devastating. I'm so angry my parents obstructed me from going inline skating this evening. I will just go inline skate, then sleep, then go to a museum and then study in the library. But I guess, being in Europe has taken me away from the rose tea. I still go to the store to buy snacks. I need to stop it. Stop the snacking because I'm sad or bored or lonely. I'll just go read a book and drink water, or sleep, or go for a walk. I'll try at least. It seems like fake promises at this point. But I'll try. I hate to hate myself. It makes me sad, angry, feverish. I feel something so vile and angry burning within myself. Something I didn't know existed previously. I'm so angry at everyone and everything. I want to be alone. I want to be skinny. I'm really really so hateful towards everyone suddenly. Everyone is trying to sobattage me. Their mere existence, their kindness is too much, they better screw up and go to hell than help me. I can help myself, I can starve myself, I can be skinny. I don't want to eat with no one, I don't want anything. Leave me alone. **** off. I can't reply much more now. I need to cool down. I'm gonna starve myself. I need to be skinny. I think I will make it a rule. As long as I'm in Van Dyck, I don't eat. I bring food to Irma, I eat there or I eat outside. I don't live in Irma, there is too much food. I hate it, I hate it so much, I hate the people who bring that food there, I hate them so much. I hate everyone who wants me to meet them and eat togheter. Don't make me eat. I hate David for calling me snack mom, for making it a personality trait in Taiwan. I want to be skinny. Just leave me alone, everyone, leave me alone. I ******* hate everyone. Everyone obstructs a pathway to a brighter and better life.I rather ******* die in the heat in my appartment than live with my parents. They will make me fat and not feeling an ounce of remorse for doing so. I hate the way my belly feels soft and looks when I sit down. How my clothes feel too tight and how I know my skinny jeans don't fit me anymore. I want my clothes to look loose on me. I don't like them to accentuate whetever shape I have. I don't care about my shape. I don't care about my appearance. I just want to be skinny. I want to look good and love my look. I don't, no one can. Whoever does, is ******* blind and I hate them for feeding me lies. I'm ******* so ******* angry, I want to throw things. I'm not going to spend money on food anymore. For a week. I'll drink water when I'm hungry, ****. I'll chew icecubes when I'm hungry. I'll go inline skating every single day. I'll do my workout in the morning and go play the piano in the evening after dinner so I don't eat. I don't want to eat, I don't ******* want to. I'm tired of eating and feeling so ugly and so unlovable by mself. I ******* hate all of it and most of all myself. My mind for thinking this way and my body for looking this way. I ******* hate it and I'm so tired. My belly is hurting and it's because I ******* ate too much again. I've done some comparing and I still hate myself. But at least I've calmed down. I'll just drink a lot of water and tea and sleep it away. The guilt and the hate and the hunger. I hope it'll melt away. I'll start eating one meal a day. Then starve myself and see how I feel. I mean, in a sense it's a relief to be back. To see all of these fat people. But It's an alarm bell all the time. I don't want to look fat like them. I want to be very skinny. But yes, otherwise, culturally I feel more enriched. I feel more grounded here. Although the people, not so much... And yes, my sister picked me up. But she ended up being super super grumpy and judgy because I wet to the supermarket to look around and buy chocolate. I was just so curious about the food assortiment there and wanted to look aruond for the fun of it. Now then. I still receive kindness, I still get along quite well with all my previous friends. Everything is as it was. Loyalty and time is what keeps friendships afloat. It is lovely. It does seem that life when I'm here means prioritising myself above all. Kindness is still a thing, I do my best to make people around me feel good. That is all I can say for now. ________ 23.06.2022 Now, I was asked to explain what was to come in Belgium. It really is a help these letters. To understand my anxieties, my mentality before and after, my experiences. Recover things that I forgot about. I wear different thigns. Shein things, Taiwan thigns, H&M things, mom things, dad things. But I still wear things that I like to see myself wearing in. I even have a bit more confidence to wear a short now! I'm going for the beige-white kinda vibe. I change at least two or three times a day an outfit. I also wear different things, but i'm slowly learning to introduce outfit repeating. I'm starting an album in my gallery. At first, when I came back I had a lot of plans, a lot of things I thought about. But I didn't end up doing, I didn't end up having he motivation to do so. In a sense, going to Paris has opened up a part of me that I had forgotten amidst my spending habits in Taiwan. Just enjoying a moment in a park, going to a museum, or walking around it something I rather enjoy. I think of going to libraries, my favourite tea and ice cream places, or visiting some cities again. It is different now. I'm not looking into cute cafes as much, it'll come naturally if I find one and I have the desire to sit there. It will show itself. I have met Lena, Sumiya, Bonnie, Thomas, Fien, mamie and monique & jan by now. Anke is the only person remaining on my to do-list. I have taken peace with it. The short but lasting list. I don't feel a need to add anyone to it. I never felt it to be fair. Only if I happen to be ripped away from that environment once again. I will not go to a lot of places to be fair, I will not do a lot of thigns. I will mostly stay in Belgium, study work and do some hobbies and side projects in the mean time. I think I'm okay now, I feel nervous of course. Kind of like how I felt when I left to Taiwan. I can barely sleep or get anything through my stomach but I'm beyond excited for what is to come. For what I have to wear, what I will be able to do, who I will meet again and where I will go. So keep me updated on all of that and your reflections of this whole trip and return. ________ 18/06/2022 Another part of my long, very long letter. I'm not quite sure what I was writing about and what letter I was replying to. I wish I didn't feel the need to, or at least not as much pressure. But regardless, the purpose of these letter is to hopefully serve as a reminder about things that I consider important. Thoughts, feelings, experiences. I woke up at 4AM today. It is very hot and I needed to trace an icecube over my body to cool down. Then I drank some water and hoped that if I thought about Baloo and I's last meeting it would be easier to fall asleep again. It ended up feeling like a fork was scraping my heart so I gave up and decided to continue writing this letter. In the hopes that my mind would come to find a safe place to express its pain. It is still inexplicable to me. The way I feel, like there's a thumping somewhere. Something telling me to run back to Taiwan, to give up everything and turn back time to rewrite history, my life and love story. Obviously its too late now. I don't even remember clearly what I'm missing, what I'm hurting for. Sometimes I think I enjoy inflicting myself pain when it comes to love, friendships, my future, to distract myself from a feeling of innate sadness, confusion and being lost in life. I opened up to my mom about it. That even in a situation where everything is optimal - my grades, my relationships, my parents, my friends - i still think to myself that I'd be fine by simply not existing. That in spite of being grateful for everything, it woul've been completely okay to miss out on every single thing I have had and have in my life right now. From my past travels to current friendships. It may sound sad and depressing - it sometimes makes me sad honestly - but it's just how I have taken peace with it. I might call it an alternative to being depressed. Now you know. In case you had forgotten. I feel like there is still tons to write to you. About my feelings, my life in the past few days. But I'm currently short of ideas and words. However it seems that my avid reading has helped me develop a wider vocabulary which is rather satisying to notice. Now I sound like a combination of toru watanabe and nick carraway with a dash of Toshikazu Kawaguchi's writing. It's rather refreshing. Maybe I also just enjoy hearing myself talk. I'm quite self-absorped most of the time really. Probably beause I'm insecure about every single aspect of my being. It's funny how at some point people's existence will be beyond your knowledge. Even though you have shared an experience or a history together. As how people forget about me in the same - if not less sentimental and slow- manner. Carlos Quan Yong or 關博文 is someone like this. His future, I more than surely estimate to be bright, is something that will never care to investigate or keep track of. And it is only normal to do so. The passage of life and people. I have read some books the past few days. One of these books is Norwegian Woods by Haruki Murakami (I always forget his name, it is hard to pronounce). When I started reading, while still in Paris, I was astonished. It was as if he had been able to read into my head or my thoughts and write down the essence of what I usually think. More eloquently of course. At least the part about forgetting the most important thing while remembering, Naoko's lack of love for him. It resonated with me. A month and a half has passed now. A month and 12 days. It's too painful. I don't think I can move on any time soon. David talked to me on the phone recently. He likes when I pay full attention to him so I sat down on the bed for most of the time. He told me about his job offer he accepted, him being free in July, his life in Taiwan, his thoughts about us and what it could lead to. He was really David-like. He always says these kinda things like "In my calculations". I started paying noticing it after we had been apart for a while and we'd meet for lunch at the green curry place in Donghai. It really seems like Taiwan is a faraway dream now. My life now... It's so different. I know I was always surrounded. And luckily I had two close connections. David and Viktor. At some point tree, Baloo. But the amount of people doesn't matter. I would still feel lonely after a day out with people I don't care about or don't know very well. I still wouldn't know who to write - other than David or Viktor - when I would feel down or alone or troubled. Of course that is only a part of the learning process and I'm happy to come to this conclusion in the end. Something I wish I could write the same way that I think. That is why I like my own company. Usually after I've read a few books. Reading or listening to books makes me feel more rich in vocabulary and thoughts. I feel more fulfilled, like I can finally keep up with life. It's inexplicable maybe, even though I just perfectly wrote down how it feels like. It is an aspect that can overtake my thoughts and being. I wonder if people remember little things about me too. Every now and then. I told Marcus I'd like to go to Sante Fe Springs while listening to a song by the same name. The little habits that I have, the likes, dislikes or the way that I smile or laugh or dress. I'm not sure how other perceive the world. But I care a lot about the people around me. Even though I actually don't care. I don't care about their personality or a friendship. But a regular reminder of their existence is comforting and unsettling at the same time. I always noticed a certain contradiction in my thoughts. In relationships, hookups, the way that I perceive myself. And I never quite understood it. My mom described it like so: "You have always had a tendecy to defy authority. Defy ours, defy your teachers, defy the school system's, defy the music teacher's, defy the badminton trainer's. But as an adult you don't have an authority to defy. You are free and you are responsible for the course of actions that you take, the decisions that you make or decide to pass up on. Especially, in regards to your body and the self-destructive habits and look that you have upon yourself, I wondered whether this lack of external authority might have turned you against yourself and your body. It is a red thread, this defiance of authority. But if you decide to rebel against your own body, to look down on it and to hate it it will be of no benefit to you" I then asked her what other red threads she had noticed of me while I was growing up. A few of these she listed: enthusiasm; curiosity; wanderlust. Some more that I don't quite remember. While I was back home. Either before or after our conversation I had a sudden thought. I've had the luck to have very great parents. Parents that I can bring up a silly fact with or a small thing about our common memory that they would try to remember and play along with. You know, just having conversational skills and a keen interest. Parents that I can run to if I feel like the whole world is against me or when I don't know what I should do. I can ask them - mostly my mom - about me when I was younger, when I was growing up. How I was like and how she thinks I will evolve. What potential she sees in me. Although my mom never had that kind of relationship with her parents, she still had a good bond with them. They hold a knowledge about the classical arts and about a lot of other aspects that I will probably never have. So I best believe my mom felt lost at some point or will. In preparation of this experience I will have as well, I wanted to inquire about her feelings about it. But I have yet to do so. At least the thought of being close to my parents doesn't make me feel as restless to go elsewhere for at least one more semester. I think I'm rather content that I can be close to them. To the piano as well. I've been practicing a little valse by Eric Christian. It is rather beautiful. With Marcus, although I was not sure, I'm rather sure we're going to gravitate back to each other. We already admitted that we care a lot. About each other and about interactions in general. This has become a diary at this point.... Time has a way of forgetting what once was and celebrating what is now. It is a nice quote I just stole from Jon Hansen. An adoptee on the hot topic that BTS has just split. I was actually looking forward to their future projects since I liked their song Love Maze a lot. But fair enough. One has to move on from matters like this. Although it is quite groundbreaking, I wonder what will replace them. Or who. I noticed it's been almost a week since we 're back from Paris. It feels so much longer. Longer than I've been back from Taiwan. Maybe because it was such a short trip. I didn't build a new life for myself there. Maybe later. _________ I think I want to write a book, I think I want to express the way that I see the world. In the hopes that a fortunate or unfortunate reader would stumble upon my writings and recognize themselves and their thoughts in snippets of paragraphs like me. Maybe, hopefully, they would feel inspired to start writing as well. Who knows. I think I want to address things I can't get out of my mind. Some friendships, the conversations that were memorable or something along the lines, the fact that I care so much about people and what they like or dislike, the way that I remember how they dressed particularly, what love is in my opinion or the insecurity of having to choose a future for myself, what life feels like now and how I tend to forget how it used to be... I want to capture all of this in a storyline and a person that is me. Something that feels close enough to me that I can put it into words. So far I've read quite a lot of books, I enjoyed a lot of them too. Some are memorable and some are far forgotten. But none of the storylines - albeit moving, fascinating or shocking - I could apply these thoughts to. I know for a fact that I enjoy a setting where the protagonist is stuck but rather content in an insgnificant lifestyle. One in which he or she is forced to either use their imagination or their past to feel alive. One in which the personnages are sparse and friends are lacking. I think I need to think this over, but it doesn't seem impossible. I do know that my persistence is rather lacking, so tell me how it turned out, will you? ______ 19.06.2022 This letter is so inexplicably long. It seems as I've been writing forever but the word counter remains below the 10 000 mark. I best believe you will receive a letter of at least 10 000 words. So brave yourself with a cup of tea, or a teapot maybe and take time to read and think. I think it's okay if you do that for a while. ____ 22.06.2022-23.06.2022 some more thougts from today and yesterday. I'm quickly writing this in the train riding from antwerp to hova as i was just reading through my terribly long letter i've been working on for the past two weeks. in my letter i'm writing about loneliness and isolation i'm struggling, as well as a certain level of pressure when it comes to performing daily tasks, the need to move elsewhere and my shopping addiction. me feeling lost about the things i could do while back in belgium, back to reality. i think to most of these things a little more time was needed for me to settle.by now, i'm quite content with this temporary time all to myself. it rather bothers me to meet some people, maybe even mom when she insisted like this noon (then again i was tired so it was fine), it messes up my schedule, the way that i eat when i'm alone. i don't like being disturbed in periods of high productivity for trivial matters like that. now, that is solved. i requested some more information at the university of maastricht to study there but sadly the application period has been closed since h ebeginning of may, so by then i was not yet aware of the advantages and existence of mu. i guess this means one more semester of academic isolation and then an internship, study abroad or in sweden. obviously i will look into the possibility to go back to asia, and more preferable to taiwan. i'm in a pickle though. it seems i'll have to look for an internship that is unpaid, but that is a problem for later. i will also look for a job this semester. and i'm hoping to find a place in taipei with roommates or so. maybe i can ask some people that are still there... now that i know some people it is definitely easier. but i don't think i'd like to go elsewhere than taipei. all other cities are kinda dead and taichung is just full of memories that might still affect me by the time i get there. see, i'm still on the hunt to go elsewhere, just not as feverishly also since there is a big chance i will start my studies in maastricht starting fall 2023. so i will be elsewhere most of the time. might as well make the best of what i can do and get here. ahh, i don't even miss hanging out with people a bit. i'm too caught up with myself and all my to-do lists and side projects. it's quite a hassle really. as for the pressure i felt doing every day things, even cooking or working out or cleaning or having a normal day, it is rather okay now. as i previously said, i'm in a high productivity period so obviously it's going okay. it's going waking-up-at-four-in-the-morning okay. but that was not a choice of free will. i just couldn't fall asleep and decided to make the most out of my day. i'll indulge in the details on a later moment. my shopping addiction is tempered now, i think i really just needed some time. two or three weeks to settle. now that i'm settled, it is not on my mind. perhaps occassionally. i still want the same pair of black pants inh&m. but it is not worth planning a whole day for it, neither diverging from my set up schedule. so it is going rather okay, once again. ah yes, i've had a lot of thoughts regarding my body and mental health overal. i wrote it in my other notebook and will write about it later. my train has almost arrived. but overall, everything seems to be okay. i went to the doctors today and promised myself i would owkr on my essay (i will, believe me now). but i also had an interesting conversation with my favourite doctor. or at least second favourite. but when dokter leenaerts retired she'll be my favourite one. ah now. i talked to her about my food problem. i was not quite sure whether i was asking the right person, but here we are. she asked me what i usually eat in a day and i told her exactly what i ate the day before. mind you, i'm still working on finding out what a balanced diet is and what a feeling of being hungry or feeling full is. sometimes i wonder what my style is when i write a dairy. whether it is entertaining or not to the casual reader. perhaps if they know me? it is always rather interesting to take a deep dive in someone's unfiltered and honest thoughts. even though one might not like what could come out of it. i know that if i were baloo, david or even viktor. there are things i wrote in my dolphin dairy, i remember, not quite the nicest things one could write about their closest let alone their best friend. anyhow, my patience and understanding has grown thin. viktors childishness being due to his traumatic adoption is not an excuse, just like it is no excuse to be abusive just because you were abused as a kid. i have other priorities. i'm not a person to call and waste my time just to be judged, berated by someone who has not accomplished much more than i have so far. he makes me feel like i'm failing at whatever i do, like i'm not progressing, like the efforts i do to do so are pointless, that the struggles i'm going through are insignificant, the knowledge i have is not to be heard. his lack of empathy, friendship, compassion is quite revolting. and i have better things to spend my time with. i can shower, do chores, work out, go for a walk, study a bit, or look through the things i ought to do. so i changed my number and i haven't notified him. he will only be able to contact me on instagram or messenger and i don't have either apps on my phone because it is a waste of time to do so. the consequences are harsh but i don't regret them. i'm not a punching bag and i have a rather high self-esteem in my friendships. i admit that most of my friendhsip are not on the regular basis of seeing each other, but if we do we spend a great time. so if at all times i'm in touch with, he is like that, then i don't need to spend my time or even money on him. i can't be bothered and i wish the best for him. for me the last call was the last straw. unless he apologises, there is no need for me to contact him again. friends are amazing, best friends are even better. but i'm aware that my actual best friends are just good friends i see every once in a while. and that is more than enough for me. that and marcus, my parents, baloo (for now). i told baloo that i need to do an internship elsewhere. i told him i'm conidering taiwan and he's inquiring about it. but in his baloo way. just baloo doing his baloo things. now, yes, i talked with my doctor (sofie de ferm fyi) and she said that she thinks that what i'm eating is not enough. at least, she thinks so. but then i also briefly laid out the problems i have with distinguishing when i'm hungry or when i'm craving something. that i don't know to what extent i'm full or not. that i had complexes in taiwan to the point where i took tea with strong laxatives, but that i'm aware by now that i just lost water weight, i was dehydrating myself. and i remember i was - on top of being sick - at a point where i had been the weakest in a few months. weak mentally and physically. i could not resist temptations, be it in spending, eating, resting or whatnot. i could barely write, talk in my video and normal diaries. it was really sad to be this self-destructive. and i'm still afraid i'm being self-destructive now. that i'm starving myself in spite of my best intentions to be well nourished and healthy, by toning up and everything. at least i don't want to lose weight like these crazy korean videos. i believe these where the starting point for me introducing a healthier life style, so obviously it was based on an unhealthy motivation, but a few videos in i needed to work on other things instead. feeling energized, feeling confident (so what if it requires me to be at least thin), loving myself and most of all being healthy. sugar is one of the things, deprivation is another thing, and lastly - it is still a question mark up to now - gluten. so, sugar is something i need to limit. sugar in processed foods especially. i actually love to make homemade cookie dough (flour + milk + butter + chocolate chips and maybe matcha powder), so i don't cut myself out from sugar. i also just bought a pastry today, perhaps not the healthiest choice, but i like to have a treat sometimes. i also manage because i put all my high risk cravings (things i could gobble down in 10 minutes and then regret later) downstairs. so it's not completely out of my reach, but it's not too closeby and i have still the choice to take some if i like. another things which prevents me from buying these kinda things in a store and then eating it on the way home or immedieately after i got home. ah yes, adult things. in terms of deprivation, i mean that i'm not. i've been craving fries since yesterday. it is less now, so i thought to myself, if i'm still craving it tomorrow/today then i'll go buy some. otherwise i'll pass on it. i guess i'm okay for now. but since i'm slowely, very slowely starting to undo the hate i've been holding for the person that i'm now and the body that i have, i'm worried about the way i still go on about thigns. i know i'm hard on myself and of course discipline and perseverance are needed to achieve things in my life, if that is what i wish to do, but i don't think it's fair if my mental health suffers under it. i don't think it's fair if i judge myself for listening to my favourite song instead of an audiobook, i don't think it's fair to myself if i want to literally scratch away at my skin and hurt myself if i feel insecure about my body, i don't think it's fair to myself to feel the prettiest when i'm starving or hungry, i don't think it's fair to myself to ignore my primal needs of food just to have my waist be reduced by 2 cms if only for a week or so. i've come a long way and the way is still long and not paved at all. but i notice small advancements in spite of moments of insecurity every now and then. i have now come to be suprised, at wonder, at the way my face looks. i didn't know i good look good and i never took the time to appreciate the way i looked when i was younger. now of course, i had good days, but the bad days far outweighted the good ones. and up until recently i told myself that my good days back then were my average days today. i think its not fair to put myself down like that. when i look back at my past pictures, screen captures, its weird. its like i'm seeing me, but someone different at the same time. someone i'd like to get to know and talk to me. i believe that this is a way to be kinder to myself. because i know i'm all of these people anyway. so better be nice to all of them at once. i also feel kinda sad, kinda like crying. i know it's weird but really. it just reminds me of Baloo. of the way that i felt when i was with him. still so insecure, doing my own peculiar things and being a mess - although differentely from the last time i saw him - all the time. a mess of some sort for sure. i looked different but the same. i recognize some sort of han chen that has always been the underlying han chen even as elise. i recognize the same radiance i always had, the laugh that is genuine from the fake one, otherwise i had always been very camera shy. very insecure. you can see that. i think that when i smile, for real, i look kind. and in spite of maybe being able to do skincare better, do myn makeup better and having found confidence is experimenting and stying myself, i still think of the way that baloo was with me the last time. just like the first time of everything in between. i can only imagine how he felt. letting this 外國人 in his room who is a quiet, but nice and observant person. who seemingly likes to spend time with him and likes to have *** with him too, casually. who asks a lot of questions about his life and the environment he has been living in for his whole life. a foreigner that lives a life quite different from him. he also once told me i don't smell like taiwanese girls. i don't smell like cheap perfume. so maybe it's also fair to say that i was a foreigner who smells nice. hehe, i always made sure to be super super clean, a and everything before i went to meet him. and i never smelled the cheap perfume kinda girl - i guess that is something to note on the crowd that he goes out with - but now that i'm back, i'm quite well aware of the meaning of smelling like cheap perfume. sometimes its better not to wear perfume at all. as for gluten, i still have no idea whather i ought to avoid it or not. pitr told me to but my dokter told me it burns slowly, so i feel full for a longer time. so im not quite sure what i ought to do. i think i'll continue on without gluten for two or three more weeks and then start slowly introducing at again, but at a less high interval. i will also introduce some of my favourite dishes again. ahh that reminds me of how i used to feel more confident when naked, now when i'm dressed and hopefully soon as both. i don't know why i think it's a good idea to start reminiscing about the past the library, but here i am, looking through my photos, my video diary, listening to the song i was listening to while waiting for baloo to arrive. guessing which of the motorcycles driving by was his and then finally guessing right. i felt so shaky and nervous excitement/anxiety. he was already waiting for me on the front porch. ah that's it now. P.S. tasty dishes near 安平 old street. i was on a trip with viktor fromn saturday to thursday. it was fine but not the best experience. he is a bit clingy and very slow in the morning.