its been a year...

Dear FutureMe, alright this is where I am at today, at this very moment...the bottom line is the thing I need most from you and my friends is support....that is all I want! I cherish out friendship, I really do...I just need to know that you guys will back me up and support me for trying to do something wonderful for myself....so that means not making comments like you're not fat....shut up you look fine...you can eat that...you are perfect the way you are...because it has been those comments from everyone that have been holding me back...now I'm not placing blame on anyone because clearly in the end I need to want this and it starts with me but my mind becomes clouded with that kind of shit and I lose the motivation that keeps me going... right now I am in a stage where I am fighting for myself...clearly no one else is fighting for me and no one will fight this for me so in the end I'm am fighting my damndest to win this battle within myself...I am: fighting for my health... fighting to have a life.... fighting to be happy... fighting to find my way... fighting to become the person I know I can be.... fighting for the person I need to be... fighting for the person I WANT to be... I am fighting for myself , I am! I want this more than anything in life because I fear that if I continue on the path that I was at 3 short weeks ago, that one day I would have woken up old and unable to move and wonder where my life went...wonder what could have been, had I made the choice to change and to make a gods honest real attempt to change the path of my life, to take that life I was given by the horns and run with it and to live it to the fullest extent possible...I don't want to wonder, what if...I WANT to know what I CAN do if I put my entire mind and soul into something...I NEED to know that I CAN do this..because if I can't do this then there isn't much hope for any other part of my life. its going to be a hard mental battle for the most part because that has always been what fucks me over...I have many mental and physical hurdles to get past, and I have no doubt that it will be a hard and long battle but a battle I know that I can win and have to win if anything is going to change in my life... it has taken 10 years for me to figure this all...to figure out why I was doing this to myself...why I continued to do this to myself even though I hated the me I saw looking back at me in the mirror...right now I am so happy that you confronted me about not calling you that one day we were suppose to go to some club because clearly if you hadn't I wouldn't have written you 2 giant sized novels with the reasons for why I am the person I am...had it not been for those emails I wouldn't have been able to take a step back to acknowledge and analyze where I was at that point in my life...I was able for the first time in my life to take full and complete responsibility for the stupid shit I have put my friends through, and the even bigger shit I have been putting myself through over the years when clearly if I hated and was disgusted with any of my actions I had the tools to change them...I just didn't want to at the time...and today I know that I want and need to change...I cant live in this denial that I'm not hurting my friends and worst of all that I have been hurting the one person I should have been looking out for from the beginning...myself... I want you to be able to look at this email a year from now and be like..well she really did it...these words, HER words weren't empty, she really stuck by her words and fought for the monica that I knew...better yet, lets do this...I want you to print this email out, date it with today's date and put it in a place you wont forget and whip it out a year from that date...either way I want you to show me this email and we will see if today everything really did click and I stood by my words, that I took this seriously and I did everything in my being to FIGHT for my life and myself!!! and if I didn't and this email just turned out to be another empty email, meaning nothing, being completely worthless, it'll show that I am a failure...so then possibly a year from today it may finally click when I look back and realize I lost another year being completely unhappy with the person I still am!!! and this may be the very thing I need to pick me up off the ground! the fight has begun in me and I wont stop until I reach my ultimate goal...I want to look back a year from now and be so fucking proud of myself that I finally did it...I finally took a hold of my life and did what I set out to do! the motivation to keep me going is to keep this email in mind -because I don't want to go back on my word- and the me that is waiting for me a year from today!