A letter from Jun 20, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I feel like I need to write this if I want to grow as a person. I'm making a lot of decisions for myself right now that I am taking for my own benefit and I want to see if I am completely in the wrong or if this is what I needed to grow. You're 23, a university graduate in a field you don't want to work in, living at your parents. Your parents are the reason you're writing this letter. It's never been an easy relationship with them. As a child, I almost never saw my mother, she was so young and decided to work so I grew up with my grandparents, who loved and supported me in their own way. It was hard to talk to my mother, it was hard to reach out to her for help because I don't feel like she was offering it. Things turned sour when she married my step father and imposed that I love him immediately but I had grown up feeling full with my life and didn't understand the addition. I was 8, I didn't want to be forced to accept someone I didn't know. I hadn't even met him until after the wedding, I wasn't invited to the wedding. From that point on, it seemed like I was always disappointing my mom because I wasn't able to give my step father the love that he was giving. You could think that I'm ungrateful but **** I was 8, I was so confused and didn't have the emotional intelligence to express it in a way that wasn't throwing a tantrum or shutting them out. Whenever I did try to talk to them a little, I was often mocked and they never seemed to be interested in the things I liked. I wonder if I'm just asking for too much. When I talk about what I was into, it was mostly anime and books and in the grand scheme of things maybe those things don't seem important but they were important to me. I just always felt like I was doing too much of something that didn't make them proud. I'm not sure I ever made them proud as a child, it's a difficult thing to understand. After high school, I decided to study arts and languages instead of the stem route that they wanted for me. I was so happy then, studying what I loved, but they never cared much for it. Eventually, it was out of high school that tensions rose. I always felt like I wasn't doing enough. And I know that I have my faults, I know that I am a very sensitive person that requires a lot of reassurance and comfort, so small things could throw me into an anxious spiral. My behaviour wasn't always correct, I would answer rudely and give attitude, I was 18 though, all that angst ahah. I remember the fights I used to have with my mother then, the way they echo the fights with have now. It would always start with small things I didn't do enough of. Once I forgot a fork in the sink and the conversation ended about how I never do a single thing right. I just never did enough, and in between then I lived with my grandparents for a while. That frustrated them. I just didn't feel wanted, I felt tense, stressed, depressed. I took a selfish decision and left. I still believe that was a good decision for myself, and the fact that I believe so makes me aware of the fact that I am a selfish person. I did what was best for me knowing that it harmed them, but I didn't understand, and I still don't understand, what they want from me. I came back to live at my parents because I have a little sister in primary school and I was with her during the initial lockdowns of the pandemic. And somehow, it was nice for a bit. We talked the way we hadn't before, we were able to have conversations and discussions and be amicable. We never did address our underlying issues, I hadn't addressed the resentment I felt, although I don't know if my resentment is valid. In the past year, it just went downhill again. I was starting to see the cracks. I would get frustrated with my mother that could only bring out negativity. I would get frustrated when I would try to share parts of my day or things I found interesting only for her to bring the subject back to her. I went to Europe for three weeks and when I came back, she talked about herself the whole way from the airport to the house. I wanted to cry. Did she not care about what I'd done for three weeks? Often times, I would share something positive and my mother would bring out something negative and it just wasn't energy that I needed because I am already such an anxious person. I've addressed these things with my mother. The way she often invalidates me and that it is difficult to talk about anything and she just claimed that wasn't true. She told me I have serious problems and that I'm not happy and that nobody will every put up with me. But that's just not true. I used to believe everything she said. I used to believe that nobody would want me for the way I am. I used to believe that I wasn't happy but I am. As happy as I can be, I'm trying. I didn't want to try before but I'm trying now. I like the person that I am. I like that I have hobbies now and that I have surrounded myself with an incredible group of friends that I love to ***** that have never once made me feel like I am not enough. I'm happy, as I venture into a new job and figure things out for myself in this incredibly uncertain and ever changing world. ****, I'm trying. In the way that I can. So now, the decision that needs further reflection. I've decided to shut myself away from my parents. I'm not trying to have conversations with them anymore. I'm not trying to seek their advice or their help. I know it's very selfish, I know that it's hurting them, but I just can't deal with them otherwise. I've communicated with my mother the many ways that she harms me and it just didn't come across. This is the only solution I could come up with considering my low funds and the rise in rent everywhere. I know that if I have enough space with my parents, I would be okay with them. I'd be away just doing what I need to do and they wouldn't be looking at me through a microscope to point out my every flaw, I do that to myself too much as it is. I'm taking proper steps to feel better. I'm talking to my grandparents and my friends and I'm trying to go out more to enjoy the outside world and I'm finally eating three meals a day. Such stupid minimal things that I should've been able to do on my own before but I just got here, I just got to a place in my life where I feel happier with myself. I've decided that if they don't understand that, then it's not my responsibility to unsure that they do. I've decided that my responsibility is to myself. Selfish. How wrong were you?