A letter from Jun 02, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Judgement vs. Curiosity I believe many people choose to judge and criticize rather than to be curious and supportive. To judge is to make concerned decisions or come to a sensible conclusion. Curiosity is to have a strong desire to know or learn something. Me personally, I judge people all the time. It seems to be a default setting hardwired into all our brains. I look at an athlete, and I think, “Cocky Jock.” I see a group of kids in thrasher shirts with perms, and I think, “Wanna be skater boys who vape in the bathroom,” but the difference between me and them is that I do not blurt out every opinion I have based on someone’s appearance. I’ll just quietly exist around them, knowing they’re too immature for me to get along with. I’m starting to think this isn’t an effective way to coexist with people. Unfortunately, I’m not the kind of person who looks for new friends to talk to. I could go all day without greeting anyone, which is 100% fine, some people are just this way, but what’s not fine is quietly judging that turns into criticism. Something I catch myself doing all the time, it’s like a bad habit that I need to work on. A suitable alternative for this kind of reoccurring thought is to be curious instead. I ask myself questions in my head about what they might be doing and why they’re doing it, and occasionally, If the timing is right, like if they just happen to linger in my direction, I’ll ask them some of the questions that I’ve been thinking of. These are questions of curiosity, I’m genuinely curious about these people. I end up feeling much more satisfied with the situation afterwards. One example I can share is when I’m in my strength and conditioning class. Every day we work on a group of muscles to work out, and on leg days I like doing physical therapy rather than the normal leg workout. Sometimes while I’m stretching instead of doing the exercises some random kid will come next to my work bench and mock what I am doing by doing the same stretch that I’m doing and then they act all dramatic making it look like an intense stretch, waiting for a shameful look to appear on my face. This is that judgmental mentality people decide to project into society. I don’t understand, maybe they’re just trying to be funny, but from my reaction, it’s clear that I don’t care and that I don’t think it’s funny. In the end, when he decides to go away because I didn’t give him the attention that he wanted; we are both left in uncertainty and confusion. This judgmental behavior brings zero progress to both of us. Then there’s the flip side of that. Learning to retain that *******-Ish behavior. A few people in that class have improved their social interactions, like when I was doing back squats wrong, someone pointed it out to me and said I didn’t need the cushion on the bar. My first reaction was to argue, even though I did not know if I was right or not. Rather than filling up an unnecessary anger and an argumentative mentality, I decided to be curious. So, I asked him, “how do I do it right?” And he showed me. We had a decent conversation, and we both left the situation feeling satisfied with the answers we got. Instead of sitting in uncertainty and slight anger, I am trying to understand and explore. And I say slight anger meaning something close to resentment, but not entirely. I sit in my default setting because I am honestly a little jealous that all these people can interact with one another with such wit and belonging. They are all in a tribe together. People attract others like them and group up because they feel comfortable around people who think the same as them. Then there’s me. I do not really have a tribe, just a friend here and there. I have come to realize that if I choose to be curious rather than judgmental, I will get what I give, and now I can pretty much make friends anywhere I go without any problems.