A letter from May 31st, 2022

Peaceful right?

Dear Alexandra, I honestly thought that there was a letter waiting to be sent to you for your 21st birthday but there isn't so that's where I come in. Happy 21st. I know we've always found aging to be weird, and now at 20 we still don't feel like an adult yet. It's scary as there are so many things in life that you aren't aware of, and so many things that you are hoping for. I do wish the best for you, and that you are taking the steps you need to to grow and have the life you are dreaming of. I don't think that much is going to change in the five months between me writing this letter and you receiving it but just in case I'll tell you where I am at. I am still working as a front desk agent at the hotel. I like the job but I'm getting tired of this 9-5 schedule. Are we doing anything different? Along with that, have we moved into a new place? That's one of my goals right now, to find a place of my own instead of having roommates but it is difficult. I cannot afford to do it here in Austin, so I have been considering moving back to our hometown. What did we end up doing? I also want to start school, but without needing to work at the same time. I always have trouble managing a job and school, so please tell me that we are able to figure that out. I know the stress from Ma makes us want to do otherwise but please don't let her stop you from doing what you want to do. You know that this is your life and that at some point, you need to take a stand and live your life the way you want to. Please don't let her continue controlling you. You deserve so much better than that. Along with that, are we still with John? By the time that I am writing this, he is supposed to be coming back in a few days but two weeks from then, he is supposed to find out whether or not he will be leaving soon again. I really hope he didn't leave, I like him a lot and I want things to continue with him. But I know that it is a possibility, so if he did end up leaving, what happened after that? I have been having some issues with my mental health recently. I know that it would be a lot better if I went and saw someone and got some help but I'm scared. I'm also tired. I want this to be over with, I don't want to feel this way. If things haven't gotten better, please, see someone. I know what can happen if this goes untreated and while we may feel that we don't care, somewhere deep down, we do. It's a seesaw really. Because one day I'm happy with how things are and I plan for my future. but the next day I don't even see a life for myself. I'm not going to actively do anything but I know that if something happens, then that's that and I'd get what I wanted. I just worry about hurting those close to me. Please be okay. I didn't mean for this to be a sad letter, but I am concerned about us and I really just want what is best for you. I hope that you find yourself, I hope that you find what you have been looking for. You are an amazing person and I am proud of you for making it this far. I love you, Alexandra. Take care and please write back. Sincerely, Your Younger Self P.S. Listen to Secret for the Mad by Dodie Clark, Tokyo Drift by Teriyaki Boyz, Boss Bitch by Doja Cat, and Don't Forget Where You Belong by One Direction

Epilogue

4 months later

Dear Alexandra,

You've always had issues with not feeling your age, and every year when your birthday comes around, it's strange. Well, you turned 21 and in all honesty, it...

Drtffeein hits leefs mtie. Fo llsit ussesi ekil heva asy i emso leef i an nca ttah ma three ubt and rehe nto i lenefig i ,tluad nriwggo lkie anylifl.
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Neve dna enbe year utb gte ehre terodpmo at we a for oetlh, idd orwk the 'athnve owikgrn sitll we ew. Nad us skcrowreo ryve ewll apphy saw fro erew ti vedrsdee oru. Ot nindgfi sha liftdcifu ti ubt ecalp been a enw levi. . . 'erew nad oru a neotwmoh to ckba bgecinom ongmiv urcemmto. Be eyyresadt unrrtec ym ym iecnot mivgon nad i arodnldl to alrpi lwli ni edcalp. .
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Ew lgtlishy stlli m,ove hs'es idvnirg as neiragn i'm lsime rfo 000,200 ldina tusj nda ihst ovreusn ear. Thiw aglno thwi ath,t 'tsi l. T. Nad t. S. . Nbteeew aps,t iggno buaot to fi aniag su deroirw ccuor is het 'im awht atth pnhpaede ni and. He,mt ot i gshnit nyjeo i odtn' tnaw dnersif bengi hotus og wtih but. Ovme og lle'w otuhgh, ot 'lelw h'ttlal gishnt ta ese be oru in sleat dene wmoenhto os eb ustj ,otu bkca ipeslm hwo nad if we.
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Oe,rm by i tsnad smefly rof oieisndcs ma dan a giaknt ym giogn. I htikn whti ylieprps lilst ettbre losep stignh a a,m era btu a sti' etllti. A ym keinepg ntecaids lto epslh. Ufll ni afll, rou have ot tmei ehenc nahoret ckab nsoaer ree'w go solcho ot i akbc omvign thneowmo eth dcdeied to. Etg ignfnid atpr be tfnebies adn ojb itme ot a i hte ehre niealgv lbae my ma job ym bcak ehtol i at ilwl if.
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Nad bauot onhj. . . Wll,e a awht frmo he ot avhe otu opmetlcely hy,ea reeidnftf tdol su eh ttiieydn euntdr. Sa,rhecer to nfid the tfrea tou t swa i lbea uthhrogo rteaf tuhrt. S. Oaubt seom turoghb had hes mih up issionucsp. Not gte ot tbu ot dieie,tnsti then adn m?hi?? razcy is uyo uoy otbhug urbake-p yoru adn htwi yats he oetspriiir ostlheiaisrpn hnitg vnee illts atth ngidinf sstpapro oeth,tger hte yrou nlofoilgw ducotnien cpteas si ety whit ecmri uhrogth uroy eeddne ewhn ircme uorngd ahtt loginko uyo and auwryan uto swa odtos lfwloo nda lehwo isghattr gothuh tath no uyo but abck imh etg ot ot menoy tioainsut uoyr 'im ??ay?wa it, evne tmcmoi us he tn'ddi gceanh ihm wnetad aldg fo at ot yilgn tpra ti eacm yuo hiwt uocesr ot rshliuiao nngniru a the ehwtr eratf yuo off iwht nhet tohurhg ryllae. Tub we a htat omrf rehet rmeo hepenpad nwok hteer redlaay yostr, lot thwa to si lehow.
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We're uor iltsl nkwirog almten tgrhohu hltahe. Enoc esegni a di' siptahtre govinm ot tafer i rtsat kiel lttees etg. Ubt ton we atth nigdo retbet somt okay, era aysd. Ak,oy be otu lil' ierguf setoignmh l'til.
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Adn dwlou phayp idd us be rof how crynrulet uyo konw sb,te oyu i rea ouyr hwit ngthis ngigo htta. Tup uoy i prdou uoy so no,w hntka i ot am nda ofr rokw su ni the fo htta ouy am lal get heewr ot. I ouy eovl.
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Cisre,lnye.
Oerdl fels rouy.
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P. S. Eebn scein a csuim eehtr nteertiss os i eltert nwtietr slnetdei in inen hcum fo bnee nloy otshe to 'tsi ruo sthna' nagceh oruy shtnom asw too sgns,o.