Be Strong

Dear FutureMe, I know that when I get this everything will be changing again. I used to think that once I was done with high school and in college everything would be okay. No one ever mentioned how scary growing up in your 20's can be. I am graduating in May. Then what... I still need to apply to grad schools. Chris and I broke up a month ago. I really think it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I don't remember feeling like this at all. I was so sure I had meet the last person I would ever kiss when I first meet him. In fact that would have taken off a lot of stress about the future. Now that we are done...which is something that I wanted, I can't figure out why it hurts so bad. I am so afraid of being alone for the rest of my life it is not even funny. However, at the age of 22 I realize that this is just life. I have cried more than ever before, not wanted to get up and out of bed, slept a ton, and drank to much over christmas break. I have plenty of time and if I can get through this time of crying myself to sleep every other night or feeling the lump in my throat only get bigger as I sit in my room by myself then I can get through anything. It's so hard but I will make it. One day at a time things will get easier. Chris told me at the beggining of this relationship I made things to easy and now I am making things to hard. As much as I want to scream and cry and yell at him asking him why does he not care? I am a great person why can't you love me? This will not help anything. He told me not to be bitter. Im not bitter (well maybe a little bit...but Im just sad and scared and I want to be loved) Im just heartbroken. I would like to think in my heart that Chris and I will not get back together and will just remain friends. I don't know if we will ever get back together even though I wish we would and I don't even know why. He doesn't make me happy and he doesn't try very hard to show he cares. But the sad reality of relationships is that we will not remain friends. Once love is lost I don't think friendship is an option because it will only be sad or unapealing to think how much you cared for that person and now there is nothing. Change is okay. In the next couple of months I think I am going to be pretty stressed. However, just remember the small accomplishments. Last Friday I final was able to get my western blot to work and bands showed up on my membrane!!! After working on it for over 5 months I finally did it. I had lots of help but at the same time I had to check everything over to make sure it was okay. Last semester I read a whole research paper and understood it without getting bogged down and frustrated. I brought home Buttons my chinchilla on Dec 20th! I know things must be rough and stressful but remember this, your family friends and God will always be there. Someone is always willing to listen. And if things get really bad Im sure you can find a self help book at Barnes and Noble. :) You have so many talents and gifts. Focus on what you are good at. I know you like to procrastinate but make it a priority not to. Make a list and post it in plain sight. Start plugging away. Get it done. You can do anything you put your mind to. Remember... If you are thinking about moving away for school or a job don't do something because of a guy. Go where is best for you. It is okay to be selfish. You deserve the best life and living a life for someone else is not a life to live. Remember how much time you have spent on past boyfriends? It's time someone spends that time on you. Or find someone else who will. Better yet...its okay to be single because then you are available and there are plenty of options and excitement. I just hope for the best. There are always good things in life...be happy, have a good attitude and project both those things in your life. Don't settle for anything less than butterflies and passion. MR