A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Grwon hsows esnic 'ive hwo gr)nssbieaam itb cauebes cmuh it i thikn. .
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I yhtiadrb aws aimdt idtcluiff ym itb htat a. 'mi nthmso nnghiitk stih riiwntg astdwro btu that otw ilganiprs ewke rtueuf lpyer i yrptet swa ta,efr eth bda. Nuttaicnrye dna danidger hliesatropi,sn so nesuddyl dettsra adtuigorna rnsugdrouin umhc i tlfe nad yitmnocmu i. Esdbles rehit am oelv yb a,tth dan lcutaa me ym uchs a voesl mafyil eb saw speedti to ubt ihwt frdinse ildlef adn ounrrddeus yj-io- oogd cmoshosrgtni, ydhbirat. It by ame,m erev i up avhgin aws did nsee naan naaan,l ettrtseip haev adn tuaclyal wtsbrayrer ce;ka tihng end & a i was the dmeoahem ti. I dah siicloude ummdsi ta a ehuos nnedir. I ttpranmio edra yoru hwo utb rof ew ofr eahv eerw prfteceim no it aecgr adn osivnre at'ths is elerctedf dtiesxe trtlee fo ryeve to esylfm cbak dna me owh. .
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I i td'no i'm ehnt lislt mchu ownk m'i 'eiv i in to ym !sieewntt sitll od efle taht elfe hdagcen secin os be ielk kiel 1,7 utb e,ohtns. Enbe lil' seom ttah glsibesn ve'i to it os onutc of hismwy ikl"cidl"he in my peek able flie a ttah. Idd isnhtg 'mi crtmepou w(hy nnneer,eiggi i it botdu meka llcgeoe all fo jgarmoin tion dna ni ouy did ey,s )th?a,?t. Eth we my enbe rveen ntah tohguht oinliils) eifdternf elif ubt os fo of ti (i ttargees aemby pnrceexeie t'si osla edn edctxpee ni si 'id thwa pu cisornledf teh. I nda nda tub ig,shnt ryella asd nrepos gnowr a am dha idcesrdove woh v'ie adys 'vei mchu os hdar as. Ailesdhper gaiazmn wdon pu snhigfini ofdun taht pgruo ummcoinyt ym deend iegnppst eyar a mfylse rsiatyeinvrt de-hcla-eriwh mi' in sa si esbettwtier rojniu an dan nda msall even i pu nwo rfmo. Ein-glfol frsdeni oufnd ei'v. Bauot hte enev rof mrmeus the nlide eitnpisnrh up i aevh !;) lsghtrnie-la na. . . Hhe. Heudcsel ym yan i odnt' if is nowk lseep etetbr. I,t i abd was wsalay that knith it uaobt tetryp won. Lyiteefdin mhuc pu fo a ist' to ewka oemr rleay tlsgregu.
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Baueesc erettl keew tkla oatbu agthhn i oehrt iwht yvree atn,kigs atnsgki i sujt udhlos ader htta go aiagn nweh hda rvkyewee/e ot settadr sit' tsih uoy nfynu. Yer'ou si eirfnge gt-ir-tih. Pu 'iev my lerdolrabngli lucaltay etiuq r,eay n!ot osla ielvbee tnoetg good cpdike ro i fansmreh ti. Od'u(y ubhogt i so an utgrai crteielc dna th)ta be auobt edixect gao smmseru wot. Nto ym tretyp uragit tugari but rtbeet, uhmc plny'isag ta aeslt my is ttah.
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Fo lsilt 'im scoeru rgdwina. It arnyaju ubt fo mei!t teh voneoictnn ugsse eht adn erhard htis dosl strfi gnamzai eodsitu ot i etim wsa ostm ta tra fgr,httai tspa my i ladbet dwra iftrs dfni ofr i my cnerxeepei 'sit ot. I cbka utp nad veen tuo ni net i whta iestm slod eadm. Oblwn spivtpuore oocl dan i yawa vronyeee aws who asw by. Fo asw it /1010 if krwo wludo tulaoyebsl ton a nea--ivgnae do epice,exner. Eutr sengie ym hrtee dan redam wno tuo ldpaysi efslym a ecom ilke rkwo swa on pgtintu. .
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Owkn eisd elcgole you cigonm onpu i li'l ym to versiodderce evha rervetxtdeo. Elcbeirndi eloepp ive' nyma so etm. My i nsiedfr rof ilfe orthes lhiew vaeh emco nad ,gone nkow meos rae. Ams aaanln aetk adn. Itno egma nmroda no ghint fo wto a anr dna renve ilrg htohutg guy obceem dlwou tsuemdbl eht i a i trtees woh ntoi cdntsfnaoi ym a tsloecs. Tralyulispi adpshe wdosr ni dna udonafllationy t;iyetrnavrsi me nuofd mitnyumoc this ash nbdeyo i omhe. Rhtuts arneled so hadr rogthhu leisppiicdhs aymn e'vi. Ocme cnasesivtnoro dan gestrrno uot had het adrh isde orhet v'ie. Lswla ym "kwon ecosidvr ti dna dan ot htaw wdno yafilnl nonkw ot smnea eb rlaened etl ive'. Ot " aayw as yteelcplom hte asthn' dlldaeu i geno ityuncsire arerl,ie. Ohw ni cish,rt iles my me ni my atth or rhesot ahed asys zaiedrle 'evi ivcoe in tawh ubt dyiteitn hte otn peieverc. I ma rlefgatu ,so nda ofr ma wonk dl,voe so that i i.
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Uscehdr no esalt sowdn dan imnrcota veen dan rep adn rsahe f)era, aols out dkaes guohrth gceolel ym one cenis t(a fo rafi gneo ea,ry spu bene v'ei i diitennc. Rlavees imste, ta ttah. Not ts'i me evre uoy snhgometi high o'luewdv cxedp,tee scoloh. Out dwotras detnmsi eyah, onup htat cnoimg merebemr ihs?renalspoit ecglloe htta ddn'it geart adh ot ytaisrcc ew rwok ewnh. Nearmshf we gsrnriac ryea up eapedl olng su ddnee a l,gno into ietm thgensiom hatt rfo onlt,tyufruaen. I ignnapukc no fo tlusaf ofr rsatt and a the nog,l hsti edaamsh wsa di'dnt otl eesestmr so dne and iutln i ruth my. Wtiec htta naelfl tub ev'i i hnkti inesc. (ym orf ot eno lslam dan i saw oeths 'im fo did orgup eebrovnm utb yaw cyltlaau) nocesisgfn ned atth ew auinttsio ealgrtuf ugafeylclr oepelp pu cr-eadl,oe trje,eedc ednldah eht ohtb tasl os. Ieatlnblyrviu uboat n,wo nda and oeshtr thutga ihwt my tol rew'e a ti vene relcos nstigurt me genflise. .
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Ugy rof klgtnai a ighrt ubt im' nda a ni i seoasn llsit garlufte ma ,ti own nnseselgis lyrcunrte of to. Ludow ihm asy i eikl i. I uesr not ti ftca go ah-nweren-yi orgwn lcodu sha were' h-et-bntu fi eb 'ltil dna sriinrsplugy on shaytr,ud voerpn eben imgeten giifeniv-lg. To adn ot taht emni eiv' eerudsrrn htan sdog' p,lan ttgsurni how neeb sih tbrete irlneang aer ways. Radelsesgr fro fo hsit m'i rutcrne hawt s,npaphe uyg efltgaru. I peanpsh htta os 'ellw nmtoh ro ssoeupp thwa a wthi see in.
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Yfilam thiw. . . Laipcodcemt ist'. Cbak tehn aswlay d'itdn it fi sha ,eneb vnee it rzeeila oyu. Fo rocedf i to hpedsa nfyauetnourtl a to cpnauk that to me ogmcin tol ltlite veen taody tresho avhe uhstr woh eloeglc terela. Hwti lesutrsgg nattahmect us,esis lyanbivetiulr of hte lot a. . . . Eewr mfor aisdre ohw ehty od smte ew. Htwi meoc adn iuftlcfid ni its' smret ot uor neeb imlyfa the to esrnkbosen. Siht ludow beiggts aerywenh rhraet htta rrtcenu het fo gesglrstu fo eomh htt'as eni--igazoarnslse i but be eben neo. Drisee eevn ollwys odg coorltn hnlaieg si eth h,ten dna afre, urt,h for. Sviel to ot aoyk it's sti'essr heav natw ipgr of my i rove eazdrile elt eth v'ei og. Hdtir tn'do to teh i be vhae praent. Rehti hotaendorp tspnrae aalytluc ear dna ni owngirg ym fhiat. Lbsdese wno htat r'theey nad fo ugenho ssirets my ohutgh hreti eevn osurce urtyl htwi ot rtstu 'mi ngseyentatea/g rysea me teh ni xett em llist ytenu,rlefq tcfa. The oosn eerttl you w(w,o troew lasibael iths ewhn liwl yuo be eerw gae. Zycra 'thsta. ).
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Li to i ma nakgitl cft,a nuf sllti. Tath segus ikekcd atihb i i vneer. Tills chkce engekpi ni me eeht'ry.
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Is ntah ot veer im' tfaih nretosrg aphpy rtoepr ym taht. Now to it had hifat to i ealyrl ekma mnate my versdoci ym awth. Dnee a bakc tieopshrnlai what didtn' aentm dernundast i if woh whti eevn i i umhc mih nhte, eaezilrd ogd. Dna mroe hant nlgigeivi-f peecsern tnohgin i e'thers symlip srneitg randele ni hsi rmngfocito htat. Blebi indraeg ikel straedt rtupaiisl smoe u,p ive' kcba lesiciindps gnrinom rveye hte. Ohw eard 'mi 2dn het ot at lehiw ym ofr !onw indgugonr leerzia all ddeedci neeb hs'e hweol bnee ogod isth i sti' inphsag ot dan ifle eblbi uamles teh hugtohr dbynlricei lonaoyl,ilorcchg. Ni rfeuut awth ttusr aorrhb neommst him liek nowk ti i fro ot rdyayeve buascee i het elss solok hte etaxniy. Uoy eenv sa ttlile took kcab for teh then, a sllam thnak of tfahi uoy spets ra5ld-e-o1y. Oecm i ie'v be oprud kthni you'd woh of rfa.
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Utsj adn ot mi' uodrp thta i awdent etlf i erdhvlweoem fo nokw bcak h,nte you os ouy ays. Ti ti oyu o;ut yuo gngio hnwe was guhdtge tkpe rdha. Dwlro to su suer igb yascr het dan demees 'mi. Lslit it tssoemmei ,eods. Akbc nad ta orfm ilstl ehret i voctioincn raf utb so og ot look si erweh i im' that lielfd aecm thwi. Is enudretav briecideln gos'd ot ni dan get i nalp na ratepnr g,odo. Orf me at be ouyd' etltli aaedmz m,e eifl rntideeff soklo onw how. Os but s,o 'mi rphipea humc. .
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Rfo inetgtg me opint sahtkn shti ot. Up fro ont gvngii ahktns. Yuo i olve. In abck eivf 'slte rya!se rtegothe nreahot okol.
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Ceelysn,ri.
You the mofr trfuue.
]56/[2/204.

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