A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Gwnor cuhm agn)ssirbeam bit ive' i hwo ebsuaec eincs it hknit owhss. .
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I yirdhtab dmati a aws my tbi tidffluic tath. But ewke hte dab was tsmhon owt lprye raowsdt fuetur wigrnti rtytep i ,afrte that isth nrigspali im' nkitngih. Dtorunaagi i uhmc rentutnaiyc unelddsy tonycmium pisa,nhltireso uorsinrngdu dna felt dna ndairdge i rdatest os. Ma by adybrhti wsa nad thiw epestid alutca rehit ovle voels be th,at ym scuh dgoo dan lidelf onuurdersd iylmfa elessdb oj-iy- strsom,igcohn btu esinrfd me to a. Anna a hignt anl,naa meoedamh ned tcyalalu i i wsa & vree ddi by was ytrawrebrs cke;a m,mea enes iavngh avhe up teh ti tptetseri and ti. Diiosluce innred shoue ahd a siummd i ta. Uryo t'shta aehv eewr who recpetimf fteedrlce ew to tub adre it cgaer etdxsie owh fo fsleym dna evrey i me rsinveo tpnmtiaor leertt kabc nda is rof on rof. .
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In llsit ngdhcea konw 71, so t,hones ekil elki ive' lfee m'i m'i utb i ietsetn!w hnet my t'odn tilsl i nsiec lfee muhc atht eb i od ot. Gislesnb fo peek utcon eifl mseo ebne it in bael li'l kciill"dhe" to that sihywm a ev'i ttha os ym. ?ht?a)t, ge,ernieignn 'im nihgts oitn poumretc and idd in i rjmnioag all keam tobdu egolcel wh(y did sye, it you fo. Enevr sloa gttaerse ahtw (i id' rntfdifee meaby lfreicnsdo tohugth fo rpceeixnee utb liosnlii) eht lfie ned the si ti in fo os pu ew pedtcexe t'si athn eneb my. Tbu ei'v ma wgorn and sdvedceior nad dsa dhra elarly who vei' a so ysda sa pnroes i n,gthsi uchm hda. Adn 'im pu and in opgur a eslymf eitpsgnp yrae tsairtnrveyi tertebewist amsll uodnf inhnsifgi nedde as thta i si jirnuo up edhrilsepa vene nwdo form ym onw an amagniz -cheewr-aidhl tmncmuyoi. Ofudn ei'v lgie-nflo redsfni. );! evah ndeli ofr up i eth an rummes enve nsrgeihltla- eht snprehinit aobut. . . Hhe. Si edcleuhs o'ndt i betrte sleep fi nay kwno ym. Ttha ouabt i,t i htikn asw it now awsayl abd rtptey. Tluresgg oerm ot alyre t'is pu eletyfidni hucm of a weak.
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Dera atth oyu i hwit eevyr is't ot auesebc gania hnwe had gatnhh etetlr teohr v/ereewyke nktasgi aigt,nsk sjtu ihst obtau rtsated i ewek fnnyu latk og uhsodl. -igtrh-it efergni e'yoru is. Qteui slao ltyacula hsanmfer belviee i ton! my gdoo abgoerlillnrd pu ti y,aer or ev'i kidpec ntogte. D'yu(o utoba dna owt rmseums na bhotgu tceixde aog i icercetl uigrat so be hatt). Ttrpey thta is lates irugat ton tguari nsipgyla' ertbte, my ta tub ym cumh.
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Reuocs iargnwd ilslt mi' of. Atr xeeceeiprn betdal arnjyua rdwa aanimzg nnotveocin ym eht dsoitue tiem ghtft,ria utb ot pats ihts hrreda otsm gsuse i teh nifd sdol ta i fo i adn was frsit ime!t ti 'ist tirfs rfo to my. Tou dan etsmi in wtah eadm slod i vene i upt akcb ent. I and who by swa cool yawa eoreyenv teoiusrvpp swa nbwol. A fi ti fo ulowd od an-a-egvein pncierxee,e nto 0101/ wrko aws blstaoeylu. Eikl orkw teru uot ym on damre gntptui saw cmeo a eerht eesngi own adn spaiydl esmlyf. .
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I ot vteeodxretr sdie omncig leloecg wokn drerdesiveco my ouy aveh 'lli uonp. Vei' amyn met pelepo dlierncbie so. Ym nowk i ecmo for flie rhoest have ehiwl eon,g soem dna rea seifndr. Atke anlaan asm and. Fctsadnoni fo ombece a oitn tion nmaord i lctesos lrig uodlw nar ym emga tseetr nhgit no eht a guy enerv nad dsletbum a owt i hguhtto who. Mnutycoim lnotuianfdoyla odunf prlusatiiyl em i rwosd rvetnatsiy;ri dna oemh in nyeodb hdaeps hist sah. Troghuh os hrustt ideiischplps aymn ev'i drha raedenl. Ahdr hte iev' otu mceo ctiesnaoronsv etgrsorn dise ahd dna toehr. Whta ot owdn lfynlia elt dan be ownnk orvsiced ym to "wokn lalws esamn it naleerd ev'i nad. I hte nsiictyure st'han ealldud as geon ot al,ireer " ctllmypoee aawy. Woh seil ym hte ssay ni dteyntii in ro voeic eervpice oerths ubt adelzier sihtc,r awth vei' hatt otn deah in em my. I ma nowk os gfatuelr am rof htta dna i os, de,olv i.
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On fera,) ryae, uot dan evi' spu nnieitdc urcesdh toaicrnm onsdw nad erahs per uohthrg one vene of aosl eong bnee a(t coleegl fair i ym insec skead salet nad. At that tes,im earelsv. Tpexdcee, vree yuo not ist' doluwve' gihh me iomesghtn scoloh. Bmeermer taht ayhe, egeclol asordtw ot uot cmnigo opnu wrko inddt' tnseimd that egatr we rastcciy ehwn had nt?ressoalihip. Endde ldeaep raey tiem ntio nsreamfh n,ogl gcsrnrai pu orf lrnefno,uyattu a su htta ogtsimehn ew nglo. Gckannpui hsemdaa edn i on fo trhu and teh a itlun lon,g dnti'd my i stih trsat etmeress swa os ofr afluts dna lot. Tnihk alnfel tub thta 'iev seicn wecit i. ,jeretdce stainutio orcle,-aed ohets lfgyclaeru tlrefgua we up iscogsnenf swa ddi nmeorbev ugrop htob nde hte to yuatcl)la tsla tub lenddha of eno lamls i and ywa so 'mi ttha peeplo (ym orf. Gsutntri iwth nda a ehrots rsecol tyinbilrvaelu nda lot gtuhta oatbu nvee 'were flesigen ti em now, ym. .
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Nseaos gkaitln in lislt tub fo i,t a i to fralgteu ofr gsesielnsn a nda hritg nyrctelur own 'mi ygu am. I eilk asy i hmi ouldw. Fcat cuold nie-nyew-hra ton seur erpnvo til'l nmieegt yhua,tsdr it gleiving-if no i ahs ut-hbnet- 'rewe if be eebn og isypsinrlugr nad rwgon. Nstgurit erlinagn 'dgos ,napl swya how ear eenb dan 'vie tanh ot ish drrnsuree ot atht etbret nmie. Tshi orf ugy phanpes, ugetfarl rsseedargl tawh of im' tcnurre. Epnshap that ll'we monht see ro eopspus i ahtw a in so thiw.
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Flamiy ihtw. . . Dtileapcmoc i'ts. ,bene ti ehtn hsa it if uoy iazeerl vnee dtid'n sylaaw cakb. A mogcin lot em cleelog to oaydt ttllei etyrountunfla shutr i apnukc heapsd rdeofc ot of erltea ot neev how seorht avhe atht. A fo eht ncteaahttm tsrugslge tol thiw se,ssiu iilnbyrevltua. . . . Tyhe aedirs omfr ew weer tmse how od. Ni mceo thiw rsmet ot teh 'ist lifmay idficlutf nkrsobnees ebne our dan ot. Itsgbeg hte of hoem eon htat rayehnew iss-leno-egizrana be i utrnerc shit utb sugrtlgse fo wolud thta's enbe rather. Neth, ,uhtr f,rea nad dgo eht enve is rfo yowsll tolocnr erdesi gnleahi. Tiesrss' i hte sivle to dezrlaie rveo go tanw 'sti let eavh ykoa grip ot fo my vi'e. I to to'dn dhitr aprnte ehva teh be. Ni ggrniow ahootpredn nda lcayatul are prsenta ehtir aitfh my. Treh'ye even the dna em me ni socuer text 'im lsbeesd neghuo wiht erith tcaf efturlqny,e oghuth reyas ulytr stngytgeae/aen tsutr ttha nwo etsisrs ym isltl fo to. Eht liwl nsoo you etretl w,ow( uoy eb reew aeg shit newh worte aaileslb. T'ahts cyrza. ).
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Unf illst tf,ac ot am i kltaign il. I essug i thta bhtai ikecdk renev. Ni keipneg e'terhy hccke me lislt.
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Gsetronr ahtt ftiah orrept si vree ot ym 'im payhp hatn. My htaw atihf kaem arleyl deoivrsc onw mtaen ot ti i to ym hda. Edne hcmu i ihm t,ehn ihaltensopir gdo natme a fi i'tndd veen thaw thiw ndrdesutna eileadrz owh i akbc i. Tath imslpy eomr ifi-ilnggev tocrnfgiom his teinsrg i nngthio peecnres hr'tees nad in lednera anht. Keil emso veeyr isipsldeicn up, rlauptiis ngieadr lbeib teh 'vei rdtteas mginnro akcb. Efil eth ralieze sti' all isphang rahlylcoo,lncogi mi' at woh oughrht shti hes' w!no nd2 my eenb to teh godo rfo eneb ebbil slmaue lhewo aedr i iedcdde ugnorgndi iiyrdcblen and to ewihl. Ssel like ni het yyedarev i ot haorrb tenyxai ownk uetruf sutrt slook hte whta tmmonse mhi it seebcua i fro. Eht tietll ouy as nvee of 1re5y-lod-a ookt tenh, uyo pstse cakb atnhk fro a malls iafth. Poudr eb thkin eiv' moce ohw i fo fra 'duoy.
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I uyo telf of i thta dwheeomverl ackb ot konw nda t,hen you awdnte say tjsu opdru os i'm. Ti oyu aws ti ketp oyu nhwe uo;t detughg drah gnigo. Dna to rodwl eedmse im' eht bgi rasyc us sreu. Ti ilslt eosd, mitosseem. Acem kbac oklo oionnccvit so at tihw go and teher i mrfo litls mi' fra si i ewrhe tub hatt to llfedi. Bdrceiilne is teg oo,gd rnrpate adn ot rnevatdue dsog' ni i an napl. Okosl me, mzaade eertifdfn ta tltile who uydo' orf eb ilef me nwo. Os but ehiappr mchu m'i so,. .
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Fro ioptn em ntksah ngtetig isht ot. Not pu gviign fro htnkas. Ouy olev i. Ni vief nhrtaeo loko back ea!yrs teehrogt 'tels.
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,eneyirslc.
Fomr ufuetr yuo eht.
/42]2/650[.

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