A letter from Jun 28th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I'm writing this cursed letter during a breakdown. I can't ******* see anything rn so sorry for the upcoming grammatical errors. ****'s crazy you know Sam. Life isn't ******* perfect and so can be said for the people in it. You want nothing from anyone and even if you do, sweet encouraging words are enough; or someone who has faith in you or shows you the right path, and honestly, Sam, right now I'm so **** lost. I cannot decide **** and in these troubling and messed up times you expect parents to be encouraging or helpful and if they cannot be nice then at least do not degrade, demean, belittle, humiliate their own god**** child for the things they haven't even achieved yet. How can someone be so arrogant and immoral? i understand people are **** to each other and no one knows better than you that I don't have any high expectations from anyone. I seriously don't usually, but one can't help but expect emotionally righteous and acceptable behaviour from their parents. I know I let them down but not any more than they do. My dejected rage is incessant and it's just ******* eating me alive. I'm not really sure what to focus on anymore. yeah I know I'm just desperate for things to be right and am venting rn and I hope things are right in a year or two if I'm alive lol. But Sam seriously I wish things won't be worst and you will hopefully not disappoint me. hopefully, life won't disappoint you. hopefully, it wont suck. hopefully you won't be dependent on anyone anymore. and hopefully, you'll do all the things that really ******* matters to you. remember people talk ****, knowingly or unknowingly, with you, for you but know that I'm always with you and I won't ever disappoint you. I want you not to disappoint me by living the life right and doing what's best for you. just don't listen to ****, listen to me and that's you. this letter is **** but I wanna remind you that please forget every single ****** person and work towards making me happy, i know that's what people call selfish but ***** we will call it self love. And i know there is already a lot of pressure on you on doing things right and job and stuff but I'm reminding you that - even if you don't do it right, that even if somehow it doesn't end right or you didn't achieve what you were working hard for or you can't satisfy your parents or anyone else or didn't liveup to their dreams or expectations, whether high or low and they stoop so low, lower than before, to say hurtful stuff to you -remember its OKAY to not achieve something, it's ******* OKAY to fail, its okay to not be so efficient and successful no matter how ******* hard you try and its oKAY to love yourself despite all the stuff which went wrong somewhere. Just please Sam, I beg you, never feel worthless. People who make you feel worthless are the ones who deserve to feel **** not you babygirl. Yes, you are my babygirl, you don't need a person to make you feel okay. YOU are ENOUGH. I know you'd need someone at some point in your life. Everybody does, No man is an island but please learn to live by yourself and not depend on others to comfort you. I had helped you enough for these eighteen years by living by myself while being socially active. Hugs are nice. Hugs are lobbee. But if you got no one to hug just ****** hug yourself please, cause you ain't ******* alone. I just want you okay alright? its just your mental health that I'm worrying about. i want you fine, infact, more than fine. I want you thriving. I want you to make a way for yourself. Any good feeling you feel will be accepted. But Feeling worthless wont be accepted. And you **** as hell sure know not to disappoint me. Work hard for your own independence and no matter what I'm always here with you, for you, 'til your last breath-- your own damned conscience. i just want things to be good, you to enjoy whatever tf you choose to do and its ******* hard as hell to choose right now. So wish me luck and a little bit of the right mindset to make a proper and favourable decision. i want a lot of things rn but I'm not sure what to go for. I'm looking for you to make my decision thrive. Alright know I love you and that no one else ever could. Goodnight, don't forget 7 hours of precious sleep XOXO You.