A letter from Jun 9th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Today, on Wednesday, June 9th, 2021, i cried for the first time in years. I reunited with this guy, S V, and after a very successful lunch, i hadn’t heard back from him in several days. He made me feel wanted, appreciated, and the way he looked at me made me feel nervous. He was the first person I ever felt this towards, and I think the attention is what drove me to become intoxicated with him. I used to have a crush on him, back before I knew what really having a crush was, and picturing myself with him was a dream I always told myself would never happen. I didn’t even think about him until he reached out to me, and when he did i was very happy. I finally thought that I had a chance with him, but that scared me. He wasn’t the perfect guy for me, but our past friendship harmonized with notion of dating him, and clouded my vision of him immensely. Although I knew we weren’t perfect for each other, there was something about him—something that drove me to cry my eyes out today. He said something before we walked around for a while and departed, “It’s so hard to day good bye”. I don’t know what that means, but I hope it’s nothing bad. At this point in time, I don’t know what has happened to him at all. I don’t even know if he’s still alive, or if he’s gone off to the military and just didn’t want to tell me. I don’t know if it was the attention, the fact that I used to like him, the way he made me literally shake from the way he was looking at me, or a combination of all three—all I know is that I’m sad, and I wish I wasn’t. I used to wish I wasn’t ***, because maybe then my life would be normal, but I don’t think this way anymore. I know that being *** and accepting myself has allowed me to grow in the last year—becoming less insecure about my body and my mannerisms— though it’s also allowed me to get in touch with reality. I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now, because if he asked me to be his, I would say yes, even though it would be nearly impossible for us to have a normal and happy relationship. I hope the future me has a relationship and Is happy. I hope the future me is comfortable with hisself. I hope the future me is continuing his venture through his final year of college and getting ready for Dental School. I hope the future me knows that no matter what: taking care of yourself and your mental health comes first, and that I don’t need anyone to be happy. Today is Wednesday, June 9th, 2021 and the time is 7:39 AM. I hope he’s okay; I hope I’m okay.