A letter from May 9th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, i was talking to my elder sister today, and she told with tears in her eyes, "why?" and i answered in confusion, "what, why?", and ready? please if you are not prepared to not laugh this time tell me. Last time she was talking to me about why i wasn't helping around the house when my mom had covid, she had everything over her, took care of my mom, took care of the house, made dinner and took care of my siblings. she took care of the house and on top of that she had online school, but when we first knew about mom i was in shock, i am the the kind of person that doesn't show their feelings, so i always hid it; i was so good at it, that no one would've believed me if i said i cried myself to sleep, that i took long showers in hope that the steam of the shower would me make my pass out, or that i even wrote them each an individual letter each year, just in case i can't take it anymore. No one would believe me "because i am good at it", but to be fair since childhood i was the one who cleaned after lunch, and cleaned the house, mind you i was only 12 if not 11, and she was the one who always had "im studying, or i have an exam" excuse, she wasn't used to "cleaning" and my parents understood that and she had always had and still had straight A's, my parents didn't force me to do all these things, but they didn't stop me either, don't get me wrong i love my parents a lot and they do too, it just took me too long to realise that that wasn't normal. I had a normal joyful childhood and i was always happy, my parents, they always gave me what i wanted and needed, which makes me guilty now about to even thinking of ending it, they would always spoil us, they always gave me what i wanted even now, i was kinda their favorite,which made me other siblings jealous, but i was never the best, i was average. still my older sister thinks that i am my mom's "favorite" and anything i want she gives it to me anything or when i say anything she stands to it, which is true, but not all the way. "i never did something without a reason" i wish i could say that to them, or at least her. once when my mom had covid we were in the kitchen, and i would always be in my room, i would just leave when it was dinner time, mind you it was ramadan. she would be so frustrated and angry because she did everything in her own and would complain how i didn't do anything and that i was useless and won't do anything, mind you the gap between us is only 3 years, i was on my period but none of them knew, i was always tired and felt like sitting in bed not doing anything, i felt useless numerous times, and i really wanted to do something but couldn't, and had to wait until it was over. a lot of you might think" okay it's your fault that you didn't tell that you were in your period" i was young, and was ashamed of it, i thought that whenever i had it, that i was disgusting. My mom had to quarantine for two weeks and by the time it was the end of the first week, we had the first conversation about it, she had tears in her eyes and asked why don't you help, what did i ever do to you for you to treat me like this," i wake up early in the morning 7 am to wake my siblings for school and make some healthy breakfast for my mom and then wake up again for my classes at 9 am, why would you do this to me?", i started to giggle. Now you might think that i was cold and that i had no feelings to do that and i was cold blooded, i told her i remembered something funny, but i lied. the week went along and my was nightmare was gone, you might i just made it pass huh, ha! you though, i took over the next week, doing all what she did and maybe a little more, she kept reminding me everyday "is what i was doing hard?", no, i reply every single day, thinking that what she did was a lot, and i mean it was to her, i always try to hold my laugh when ever she asks me that question, i am used to it, so it wasn't so much for me, but it was for her because she wasn't used to it. she was always busy studying which showed in her gpa, hers was 4.2, so wasn't used to all the cleaning and doing all the house cleaning chores, but instead i was, and i was expected to have not any less then her gardes, that's what they expected but they were not strict about it, although i could see their disappointment when i showed them my grades as kid, my grades were not low but their expectations were high,i was the total opposite, but in exchange i was the favorite, because i would always help around the house. at the time when we had my youngest sibling we had 2 maids in our our house that would help my mom, she even taught them how to cook our culture food, and my fathers favorite food, we'd always spoil them. they were so kind and we all loved them, they were like a second mother, but after they left my older sister had "studies" at the time and my second youngest sister was so young, the age gap between her my younger sister is less than 2 years, she wasn't planned, more like a surprise to my parents, but they always always wonder what they would do without her, i even do. so my second youngest sister didn't have much attention when she was younger, she even was still breastfed by my mom, that's how young she was. back to me since my older sister was busy studying i was held the full responsibility, i was only 12 or 11 don't quite remember, so as i said was used to it, so whenever she asked me "so...was what i was doing hard?" i would always laugh and answer "no". The second event happened today at kitchen, "can i ask you something?", yes; i answered, and could you please not laugh this time, are you ready?......sure? i knew where this was going so i said yes, and moved on to say: would you even care less she said, i stood there in silence while she continued to say how mean i was, and careless, "i was known for being cold blooded and cold hearted, that my heart was as a stone and that i didn't care about people especially them my family" and i how i didn't care about her well being, she asked me in a shaky voice "what did i ever to do you, for you to treat me like that?" now you might think what she meant by that is i AM cold blooded and cold hearted and that i didn't care about her, but what she actually meant by that is because i refused to help her clean the kitchen because when she had covid too and my back when my mom was okay, I was the one who helped I was one who cleaned and took care of my siblings and woke them up for school etc.. and today was the first day for her to do anything of a chore and she asked me if i can help her do the kitchen and i refused so she asked my mom to ask me and i refused, my mom had a long day at work and she wasn't having it, when i refused, my sister went all out, and my mom to that's when she asked her " why don't you do it? you haven't done anything in weeks? and it didn't even need that much of a work or "cleaning" but again it was a lot for her because she wasn't "used to it" but to me it wasn't much but i didn't wanna to it. my mom stormed to her room while sayin "NEITHER OF YOU DO IT, I WILL WAKE UP TOMORROW AND LIKE A GOD**** ANIMAL DO IT MYSELF" she wasn't all that mad, the caps are overreacting, but just to give an idea, of course we wouldn't let her do it tomorrow and to top it all off tomorrow was mothers day, so my older sister had to it, eventually my mom calmed down if you were wondering and all was fine, but back to us, she called in the kitchen to empty my pasta bowl and clean it, and told me " don't laugh" i knew what she had meant and goes on to tell, how coldblooded i was, and also told me "when someone talks to you about something that hurting them don't laugh because its gonna traumatize them" i held tight to my laugh because of the way she was overreacting, no please if its funny let it all out, you don't want laugh, okay? and goes on, what did i ever do to you?, was it a reaction of something i did to you? and the fact that i said if i died today its gonna be because of you? i didn't seem like it bothered you, for you to make me say that is unbelievable, "you don't know anything" i said, well tell me i am listening,i didn't answer, tell me, don't you want to talk? she said, yes to which i replied, okay she said, on the way when i was leaving she said, "its good to be cold blooded, because you care less, but when it starts to hurt people it's not". So if by any chance you are reading this, the reason i laughed that night was not because i am cold blooded or that i don't care about you, it's just because your problems you had compared to mine seemed too small or too little compared to mine and the problems i had and still do, the reason i laughed was because the reason you cried like that was not even close to the reason i cry like that. And before you judge her actions or mine, remember you didn't listen to her part of the story. and its not like we have problems or we don't talk anymore or that we don't even love each other any less we do and forever will, that's just one problem, but if i were to write the good things and moments we had together, it would be endless. and if you read this i love you.