A letter from May 7th, 2021

hey please help me. im tired. im sick of this cycle. i hate myself. please reach out to someone for me. i feel like ****. im sorry. im sorry. im so so sorry. i just wanna be free. is that too much to ask for? did she really have to do all that? did she not know that it gave me so much pain? that was already considered bullying. why did i not say the truth? im just happy that i finally cut ties with her. but why do i miss her, why do i miss the people who whave hurt me? wronged me? give me pain? torture? sadness?.. ... i dont know. i really do not know. i do not ******* know. was it because of our memories? was it because weve been friends for atleast 4-6 years? or was it because of those times where i was blinded by our "friendship" that i miss those memories? i dont know. she always talked behind my back, yet she tells me her secrets that i have forgotten ecause of my carelessness and that I was the person SHE trusted the most. and then she asks what she did wrong. do you really not know? are you playing dumb? or are you playing the dumb awful disgusting victim? i was too young and naive back then, but im not now. so dont even think about chatting to me and asking me what you did wrong with that awful overused emoji of yours. you just disgust me so much. you owe soooo much by the way, but if i were to ask you AGAIN, i wouldnt have the guts to do that cause im still scared. and plus, even if i were to ask you, you would just reply with "i dont have enough money rn" or most likely "i dont owe you money". you little piece of ****. i wont forget how you also forced by two bsf's to "trip" just so you guys can get "wounded" and ask me to buy you guys' food. did you really think it was a fun and nice joke? wow. i cant believe you. i also wont forget how almost every lunch time, we would always be late. it was embarassing. very. we ALMOST got called to the principal's office. our math teacher even called our homeroom teacher/adviser just to call us and telling us that its time. and its your fault. you would always ALWAYS just play and waste your food. and you would mention that your dad is a business man and is rich, how come you always borrow money? liar. disgusting. and the fact that you would always talk **** about each. and every. one of us. im just so happy that both of them are on my side and not yours. even my mom doesnt like you lmao. and plus, dont even try to deny it, i literally have video proof. and the fact that you would always say that you have the iPhone 11 and how YOU "own it", but keeps on bringing another phone thats also not really yours and keep borrowing our phones, just says a lot about you and your disgusting personality. i also wont forget that time where you told both of them to ditch me and leave me all alone to "our place" (and plus, im used to always finding a seat whenever its almost full cuz im always the one that had packed lunch, while she and sometimes the other two buy from the canteen). and i took a peek and found u (not including the other two as i mentioned that both of them are on my side) just chatting with the both of them. that made me angry and furious and made me lose my appetite. i was patient enough to not eat and wait for u and the other two and waited for atleast 5-10 minutes. i ate a bite or three just to atleast eat something and to not get hungry. then i went up to class and you just go "wHeRe WeRe YoU? i WaS tRyInG tO fInD yOu BuT tUrNs OuT tHaT yOu AlReAdy WeNt AwAy ,, It WaS sO hArD tO fInD aNoThEr SeAt" like, shut up. also, that time where you talked **** about someone else in our classroom after she hung out with us, that was unforgettable. there were five of us, [ classmate as: b good bsf 1 as: d good bsf 2 as: e "you" referring to my fake friend. ] b and d realized that they were running late so they went on ahead, meanwhile you and e (good bsf) were talking bad about b.. while i couldnt hear on what you guys were talking about since there was a little distance between us.. we went in to class and saw b crying while some classmates and d was comforting her, i couldnt really tell what was going on cause i was genuinly confused. then, you start crying out of the room.. i followed you cause then you would talk behind my back again not comforting you and not being by your side.. us four including d, was comforting you and you said things like "alam ko na ikaw yung nag sabi sa kanya" translate: "i know that it was you who told her". i was still a little confused until i forgot what happened next. im pretty sure you were the first one to go home, but all i can still remember was me asking e on what happened and well she explained. (ps: im filipino so all of this was just translated, and some points of these were inaccurate so yeah) there is also one toxic trait about you that makes me want to slap you. you always get jealous whenever we talk to some classmates like, hello?? you dont own us and thats the same for you, we literally dont get mad at you one bit, when you talk to someone else other than us. (gr 6) i really feel bad about that junior (gr5) who had a massive crush on you. she always wasted her money just for you, she would waste P40 to atleast P60 to buy you food. too bad she didnt really see what or how you really acted. and even before all that, you would tell us how they (junior and her friend group) are mean or unkind or something and made it sound like we are their enemy.. im just glad that we stopped talking and that i hope you realize your mistake/s. anyways, im done venting :) and this took place last 5th-6th grade at our school... i hope u're doing better, this was just how stressed ur past self was. anyways, good luck on your journey, stay safe/stay gae, and i love you dear :). bye. -from ur 12 yr old self -5/7/21 11 days before my birthday <3 word of advice: everyone dies at the end so dont push outside of your boundaries, but atleast make your life the best one you had cuz there are no second chances.. make a lot of memories together with the people you love.. there will be ups and downs but just let it all out and please, if you can, talk to someone, or stop bottling up your feelings. anyways, i need to go celebrate now since exams just ended. continues with what you were doing haha. happy birthday. have fun. bye dear. i love you. <3