A letter from the past

18 huh?! I have so many doubts that make me insanely sad about my future and me. I can't get rid of my idiotic thoughts but still... I am in the middle of a pandemic right now. I have to attend an exam that is going to decide my future. I don't feel enough. I'm 13 nearly 3 months to be 14. I know it can be seen like I am so dramatic but I suppose I'm not. I need help. I know I have anxiety. But I also know that if I tell this to people they'll react the way I would not have wanted them to react. We are economically stable. I hope mom starts to do her job more actively. Back to me, I don't know about which high school I'm going to get in. This makes me stress like hell. We have contact with and astrolog she says good things about me but I have to work hard for them right? I've always worked hard. I've always been a mother since I was 6. It hurts sometimes. Knowing that things would be so much easier if something did not happen. But I also know that I wouldn't be me the other way. Living in Turkey is hard. Seeing all those kids that never felt the need to be strong and mature. Is it my fault to be like this? To be pessimistic. I hope not. Because I really don't want to be responsible for things that I chose not to have or do. Overthinking is my doom. I cannot remember when was the last time I had a good sleep schedule. I don't know who I am. I watch my childhood videos a lot. It makes me feel happy when I see that cute little girl who has no idea of what's going to happen to her. Her naiveness. I grew up way too fast than I should have. She is guiding me sometimes. But she can't prevent those what ifs ******* me. I should cry but I choose not to. It's not because I think it's weak or anything. Or maybe I do. I maybe mature but I'm still not enough to understand myself. Those street lights are not going to **** you. That labels are not going to fall on your head. Your not going to lose your teeth because of a ball hitting you. A part of metal is not going to break your bones. I feel so lonely even if I am so surrounded. I hope I change and get rid of my insecurities. Even if I don't I know I will still be more human that the others. It is arrogant to say that but it is not hard to say that. I'll dream of you no matter what. I'll do whatever I can for me to be a better me. Don't cry if you are. Be happy that you've gone through the hard part. Now it's time to live your life! University huh?? Oh you are old... You are going to success. You have achived so many things. Cheers to the better me. Be thankful for being you. I love YOU with all your traits. Goodbye for now dear me, -Şeyda