A letter from December 25th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hey it's Thursday, December 24th, 2020 I just took a shower right now cause I got into big petty fight with my mother. I am just straight up tired. My back is literally ******* me and it hurts and it feels like my mother is more focused on her phone than me. the person who is literally is working to maintain the ****** place that we are living in. I am on the verge of crying cause I don't know how to express to y mother that I'm constantly in pain and emotionally, physically, and mentally. When we were yelling I've never heard myself yell like that ever. I really just want to spend time. with her cause, I leave in 6 months to go to college and I feel like I want to make up those times that I've never had growing up as a child. She doesn't know that I constantly feel like a disappointment or that i feel like i should be better off if i didn't exist. my cramps are acting up right now and I feel like it's the period just talking but I just feel like I don't have a purpose in life. What can I bring that 7 billion people cannot. Ughh I just really want to be happy and not live like this. I wanna have fun and just relax and travel and not really worry about the next days problem. I want someone by my side and not feel like I can't have someone to lean on. I'm scared of college, I'm almost about to be 18 and I don't know if I'm ready to face the 'real world' i feel like i've been taught nothing. I just want to be a kid and not worry about anything. I really just hope if you do go into college to know that if laura leaves you or if your friendship goes to **** you will have it together. ( hopefully, you're still as close as we are our senior year) For Maria, I hope you still have a nice friendship even though she can get on your nerves sometimes. I hope mom is gonna get her papers and everything goes well. I feel like grandma won't be alive and if she does pass away I want you to visit her on her birthday and or do something and go to her tomb and if you do get the will congrats, if you don't that's okay but just make sure people honor her cause she did such a heck of a job raising her brothers, sisters, children, and the people who'd she cared about the most. Get your driver's license by then, cause if not then that will be embarrassing. I hope all is well and just take everything day by day.