A letter from August 24th, 2020

dude i hope you're doing a lot better than i am writing this right now. i know i've been struggling for so many years now with my mental health, but **** dude if you haven't got help now, do it, you've struggled so much so far, you need to sort your **** out, it's really not healthy. but if you did get help **** man, i'm so proud of you - you achieved more than i ever did in these 18 years i've been alive so far. i hope you've finally process all the **** that has happened with you and you can finally be comfortable and happy in a relationship, rather than being scared of everyone, stop being so afraid - but please process things. i hope you've managed to go through college and get the grades you've always wanted and get to go to the university you always wanted to because, **** man you deserve it, i know you don't think it but you've probably worked so hard to get where you are, but if you haven't made it i'm still proud of you dude, i hope you've learnt not to be so harsh on yourself all the time though. what's it like in your job? is it everything you ever wished for? or did your life not go how i always planned so far? you know i've been really struggling to get a job but i hope you enjoy it more than our first job we had because that was awful lmao, i just finally hope you can look back and be like wow i really got my **** together, you know? highly doubt it, but are you still talking to him? i hope we are, he seems genuine, but i doubt it, never had much faith in people but i hope if not now one day we can learn to be happier. did you ever get the body mods you hoped to have, such as splitting your tongue? or did you ***** out as always, that was always our issue, or i hope you at least are happy and comfortable in your body and can finally love yourself and look in the mirror without being so sad, please love yourself. i hope you finally reached all the things you wanted to do and hit goals and finally got somewhat healthy i guess, because pizzas too ******* good to be fully healthy, regardless just look in the ******* mirror for once and try say something nice, I hope you can finally do that without hesitation did you ever come out to your parents? i know you've always been afraid and been hiding things for so long from them but maybe you can finally embrace your ********* rather than having so much internalised homophobia, i hope if you did they weren't too harsh, if they were, it's okay, you are finally free and can be who you are. please live more if you're looking back like i am whilst writing this and feeling like i haven't lived much, dude go book a holiday, go travelling, do something with your life, stop spending all your days miserable in bed, because you'll only regret it - buy a cool car, go get a new tattoo, just ******* live man, that's what you've been craving for so long, open your eyes. be kinder to yourself if you aren't right now, i hope you have finally processed things. but **** if you've made 5 years into the future when we didn't even thing we'd live past 16, i'm so ******* proud of you and please love yourself just stop ******* crying all the god **** time please and I hope you've got yourself a bit more together than when you were 18