A letter from July 30th, 2020

Dear Future Me, what's up, how's life, its me from the past you know the depressed, alone 13 year old who doesn't know what to do with herself. I hate it here, tell me what's it like now. are you happy? did you start posting more on your tik tok? are you and Lexie still friends? are you and Casey still dating or did you guys break up? if you did is she happy? I know how much you cared about her, did you talk to tia did she admit to it? what did you get on your GCSE? what job do you want to do? what's it like being 18? is it fun? did you make new friends? what are their names? are they kind and friendly? do they care? has madeleine McCann been found yet? if so what is life for her now? I have always wondered what it would be like to be 18 it must be cool. right? hmmmmmmm, I don't know what else to say I don't think I need to, I guess- its funny I cant see myself in the future at 18 and that might be me just me being me but I'm not excited I don't want to vision myself I'm scared of what I would see it seem hard to think that in the future I might not be alive or ready to take my life I like visioning stories though, do still like doing that? I hope you do it was one of the many things I'm looking forward too its like a way to escape reality but I cant stay in my little shell forever I wish I could. it would be fun. I'm okay right now I guess writing this is opening so many windows of my mind that I haven't opened in a long time its kinda funny if you think about its like I'm writing a letter to an old friend except that old friend is me. I guess it always has just been me and my thoughts no one else really cared about what I thought it was always what everyone else thought and it shows I have always cared about peoples opinion and feelings more than my own and I know its a terrible habit but I've adapted to it, its probably one of the small few things I can actually do right. I'm nearly done with this letter it was fun talking to you but i have one last question are you okay its always seem to me that I have to answer with I'm fine or yeah totally some people will brush it off and think nothing of it but some people will see this as a hint that I'm not, I want to be able to open up but I'm scared if I do then they'll take my weakness for granted and I'm scared of that happening i don't want to be stabbed in the back again not ever it hurts thinking that you can trust someone but really they just want to hurt you or sometimes it just falls apart and someone who doesn't want to hurt you turns on you and thinks that telling people secrets that you have kept for each other will give them power but it doesn't it just shows how much you should have never met and how you shouldn't trust people it makes that dropped wall protecting you from pain rise again making you emotionless and impenetrable making it harder for the people who actually care to reach you and make you smile and happy again and its that kind of people who cant see the peoples pain but then expects the same people to help them with their pain and its those people who have made me rise my wall just so i can heal again because it hurts I think it the biggest emotional pain to go through because its not you who is healing its your heart and that's what people don't see they think its just other person who doesn't care but its a person you care about and will never stop caring about because you cant stop caring about them because you want the best for them you will always love that person and that is what hurts loving someone who you know doesn't care anymore.