A letter from July 28th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hey future me. How’s life going? You don’t normally check your emails so you probably won’t get this... but I just want to tell you that if your going through a rough time right now... things will get better. Although, that wouldn’t be the best coming from me isnt it? Lately I’ve been thinking if I’m depressed or not and honestly, I think I’m just going through a phase. I am going through ******* after all. But the more I think about it.. the more I wonder if I am depressed. I don’t feel it, but.. I just have mixed feels. I hate myself so much. I hate how disgusting I am. How Im so unhygienic. How I want attention so much. How lazy I can be. I hate my personality. I hate how I am. I hate my body. I hate my face. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate how selfish I am. My family has been through so much. I feel like such a burden. I know they don’t have any expectations for me. But.. I just can’t help but think of how much of a failure I am. Every time I think about it the more i just want to hide. I want to give up in life. I want to be invisible. I just don’t want anybody to know I ever existed. And.. my brother. He’s accomplished so many things. He’s very social and has a bunch of friends. He’s good at sports and can play multiple instruments. He workouts and looks good. But then there’s me. Socially awkward. Doesn’t have much friends. Bad at sports. Doesnt have a single talent. Doesn’t workout. Looks ugly. And... is a mess. I know these are just thoughts and nobody is thinking that way of me. But, I can’t help it. But, I guess it’s not really my brothers fault is it? I can’t just blame him for everything. He’s done nothing to me. Heck, he has done some much for me. But here I am. Being ungrateful... Speaking of my brother, how is he? I hope he’s doing well... How old is he? 20? Haha he’s pretty old huh? ... Say, do you think I’ll ever be successful? I guess I have to be the one to decide for myself. But.. I don’t know if I can do it. I always try to change myself but that laziness always comes back. I can never maintain a healthy diet or exercise. Heck, I can’t even maintain a good sleeping schedule... I’m literally typing this at 5:30 A.M. I’m pretty pathetic aren’t I? I can be so determined to do something, but then it all burns up in flames. I’ve become so distant from my family, that I feel nervous talking to them. And it’s worse now that I’m going through *******. I hate how I have to be annoyed at everything. If I get told to do any chores I can get really annoyed. I get annoyed when my cousin try’s to call me. Speaking of my cousin how is she doing? And how is the rest of my cousins doing? I hope they are all alright.... You know, I’m being completely honest I’ve been having some thoughts. Not at the moment, but I’ve always thought about it. “If I end it now, will my suffering stop?” “Would people even care?” I know deep down inside me I don’t want to do it. I want to live. And accomplish my goals. But.. I can’t help but think.. Haha but it’s probably just me overthinking things again. I’m not even depressed. But.. I don’t know why I’m writing this. Is it too clear my mind? Or am I writing this for the attention.. Ever since this happened.. I always thought “Maybe I just want the attention.” “Maybe I’m just faking it.” And I always thought that was true. And if it really is. I really am scum of the earth aren’t I? But why. When I talk about my feelings, I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I want to cry. I always think it was for the attention. But there’s no one here that will witness me crying. So why... I’m just so selfish. I’m so stupid. I really want to end my life? After all my family done for me? My family is not anything luxurious, but it’s definitely nothing bad either. A lot of people would put there lives for a family like mine! People have been through worse then me! So why do I feel like this! I shouldn’t! I should be grateful... but I’m so selfish. But sadly.. that’s not the only thing I’m suffering from.. I’m suffering from guilt too. Im such an awful person. I hurt the person I cherish the most. Although it was just a game. I hurt them. Words can not express how much hate I have towards myself. And I keep doing it! I keep hurting them! And I can’t stop! I don’t know why! I just.. am very jealous. They have a social media account and getting a bunch of attention to people. They have a lot of friends and fans who support them. But.. I feel so fake. I feel like such a horrible person. When I first heard they’re getting attention from people.. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it one bit. And it’s not because I hate my friend either.. I just wanted attention from them.. What’s the word? Validation? Maybe I just wanted to know that... I’m not useless. But it’s so stupid. Because I can’t trust them either. Whenever she talks about being depressed. All I can think of is “That’s a lie.” “You’re depressed? Come on you think I believe that?” “You have no clue what it’s like.. compared to me.” Which.. is exactly what I’m doing. There’s people suffering from so much. More then I am. And here I am telling someone that they are lying because they are going through something tough. I hate myself so much. But I still can’t say if I’m depressed or not. I’ve always been very cheery and happy when I was younger. But now that I’m older.. I just feel dead inside you know? But I hope it’s just a faze. But that still can’t change the fact of how sensitive I am. This one is a more lighter thing, but I hate how sensitive I am. If anybody raises their voice at me I will tear up and eventually start crying. Even if I laugh. I laugh and tear up. Which is normally, but then that tearing up transforms into crying, then full on sobbing. And there’s no reason. I just do that a lot? That’s another thing I hate about me.... haha what else.. this is making me feel a bit better. Ah yes. My boring life. I think this is another attention thing, but I can’t trust myself. By that I mean my life. All my life I have been telling lies. I tell lies of how I did these exciting things and did so much. But in reality I just stay home all day. Well now we are kind of forced to stay home (we are still in quarantine). Speaking of that, did the covid-19 situation end? I really hope it did... but anyway. Maybe I do want attention.. maybe I’m just some attention seeking maniac. Always yearning for attention like an animal. Really it’s disgusting. But anyways.. I hope you doing well. I hope everything turned out alright and your not going through anything... It was fun chatting with you, but I guess it’s time to say goodbye. So take care! 7th grader (12 year old), Your past self