A letter from July 27th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, hi, i honestly dont know what to say, but i am pretty bored lol. its crazy to think that ill get this letter when im 19, though im aware that i dont check my email quite often so im not sure how that is going to play out. but i hope you are doing well if you have made it that far, congrats! now i really just want to talk abt myself lol, so excuse the bad english literature whatever. im still not good with big words haha. currently im laying on my stomach on the floor, with a blanket wrapped around me, and my dog between my legs. i have my airpods (quick flex) in and listening to a playlist on yt of all of Hunter x Hunter OST. i was watching Food Wars b4 that but i cant seem to remember why i took a break from it. i was eating these chocolate covered almonds, then proceeded to peel and remove the skin of the almond once i had bitten that off. though i stopped doing that bc i am typing rn, and dont have enough hands to continue doing it. ill keep doing it later tho, i am sure of that. id say that abt 65% of my body is straight, while the other rest is slightly slanted inorder for me to be comfortable while typing. i also do not want to bother spinner rn bc he is sleeping. although my back is ******* me in this position. ouch. OKAY, lets get into the personal stufff,, me being me, im not good with people. ive always been shy, we are aware of that. and when i say we, i mean me. IK its confusing. but i consider myself a friend bc i get along with myself better than anyone and i basically feel like two people in one. thats is the best way i can explain it, bc, i am not good with explanations. haha it sounds like im typing this to someone else, weird. anyways. ive had a lot of thoughts kept to myself. i have a note that i typed on my phone so i might copy and paste a section from it. hold on. okay im just copying and pasting the whole thing, i am way to tired to read through the whole thing lol. sometimes i feel like i don’t know how to express my feelings anymore. as of right now i feel like i can’t even cry and i want to. i want a way to let go of my feelings and not just to forget about them to just later on have to remember. i just want a friend. i just want someone. honestly sometimes i think i should stop watching anime because it raises my expectations, gives me unrealistic ideas, and overall makes me want things that i don’t have. i love anime and forever will, but i cant stop watching it that easily after getting attached to a few characters. at this point, i don’t make any friends, i just talk to family. i just wish i had a friend that i am completely comfortable with. that i know wont be judged or won’t ever feel like i will. i just. nvm. i don’t understand my feelings. i don’t think i ever will. im locked in my mind trying to find a way out. but everytime i do find a way to escape there is always a new obstacle. i just want the thing in my head to die. i want to go back to myself. it doesn’t even feel like i’m myself. i feel trapped in body that doesn’t even belong to me. it doesn’t feel right. i wish i knew myself. i wish i understood myself. i hate having to continuously be confused over and over again. every single day. and to just be asked why. like why can’t i answer that question. how the **** am i supposed to know. how the **** am i supposed to know when i can’t even figure out myself. school is a pain in the ***. it just adds more to my problems that i keep creating for myself. so many times, there are so many times where i think that im okay, that i finally feel fine in this world. now im okay with *****. i get it my parents worry about me from time to time, but like at this point idgaf. the bear can eat me for all i want. i could catch the disease and die. im okay. ive thought about my *****. multiple times. ive thought about my funeral. **** this cruel world. i want to move to japan. i want to be somewhere else. **** america. **** these ****** americans that are so dumb yet so ******* privileged. i hate it here. i just want someone to pat me on the head and tell me its okay, then hug me. is it too much to ask for? probably. i just want to be okay. ill now continue to cry. nicole july 3rd, 2020. uh, amen, sorry for sinning so much. so, i guess ive thought abt it. i dont really care for friends as of rn, they are fun to have, but i am completely fine with having myself. honestly bc i know myself better than anyone, and i can just say an idiotic thing and i would laugh at it. or there were cases where i was out in public and i my mind said something funny and i would giggle at it. ive been told several times that if i have anything on my mind that i should just tell them abt it, though it isnt that simple as it seems for me. i dont want to be problematic and bring others to problems that i dont want to bring them in. plus, how am i supposed to grow if i rely on others. sigh, there are so many thoughts in my head while typing this, i just dont know how to type or explain them. I HAVE COMPLETELY STRAYED FROM THE TOPIC I WANTED TO TYPE ABT FOMADJKDFFF