A letter from July 26th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, You graduated this month, congratulations! You're a qualified mechanical engineer. Covid has made things crazy, you stopped going to uni in March and all your exams were online. You final project was excuses as to why you couldn't possibly have finished it and you barely revised for exams because you lost motivation. I'm proud of you for finishing though. We hated doing this degree but we love what we'll be able to do with it, 4 years is a long time. We got a good result and we never have to do it again. I hope there's nothing in your life that you hate as much as you hated this degree. I hope you're able to read this, the last few years have been tough and despite a few attempts to end it all you're still here. You're doing well at the moment and you're happy. You've got good friends at church and they care about you. You've been saved by God both spiritually and physically and you are so grateful. Life had meaning. Are you still an active church member? Do you still talk to the same people? Is the Gathering still happening on a Sunday and do you still go? Are you still in Wales? Are you happy? You've not got a job yet, covid destroyed all the opportunities but you're not worried, you're lucky that you can support yourself with savings and not stress about money. You're content at the moment but boredom is starting to get to you and you'll go crazy if you stay by yourself too long. I hope you've found something you enjoy, something that lets you get your hands dirty and you're not stuck at a desk. You like work, it's got a routine and responsibility and it suits you. You're single at the moment, you're nearly 23 and you've never been in a relationship and that doesn't bother you. You're thinking maybe you'd like to get married and have children one day. You've always been against it for yourself but God's been telling you to be more open minded. Are you still single? Have you got children? Do you still think about your abortion or have you forgotten? Do you think about your miscarriage? Do you still feel guilty about them? You were pretty mental not that long ago and lockdown might be letting that back in. You heard voices and saw things and had a dangerous lack of relationship with reality. I struggle to trust my mind still when I know it's unreliable and has let me down. You revised for the wrong exam because you repeatedly read the title wrong. You've damaged your relationships because of your insecurity, I hope they're better now and you know what's true. You met Sophie the other day and when you couldn't get hold of her because her phone died your first thoughts were that you had the wrong place, day, time, you'd imagined it, Sophie didn't exist even though you'd checked the messages 10 times. You were relieved when you finally found her because you knew you weren't hallucinating again but those thoughts aren't healthy. Do you trust yourself yet? It's jarring when people tell you your memories are wrong, does that still happen? Do you still worry about going mad? Are you still surprised when people say nice things about you? Sophie says a lot of nice things about you and they mean the most became they're sincere. She has a pastoral responsibility for you but that doesn't mean she say to say those nice things, spiritual growth not flattery. She has told you your very strong, witty, stoic but straightforward when you speak, contemplative and she said you were a leader. Leader surprised you most, you've never seen yourself as one but Sophie seemed sure so you'll take that word and cultivate the fruit. Are you a leader? Do you see yourself in a positive light? Will you write another one of these? Who will you be when you get this? How will you feel about this? Will you have changed much? I hope you've grown positively and not had a breakdown! I hope you're happy and living the life you want. I wish you all the best for the future. Love, Yourself