A letter from July 25th, 2020

Dear Bea, How's it going? I know you're an Italian girl, so why should I even write this in English? Well, we both know how fond you are to that language, and if what I hope for you happens, by the time you receive this letter you'll be speaking English better than Italian. You know, it's odd for me to do this thing, even though I'm talking to myself, but still I never open up to anybody... I bet you can remember that. By the time you receive this letter, I hope this thing doesn't happen anymore tho, and I most hope you've found your way in life; I wish you to find the right people to open up with, and I wish you'll be able to actually talk to them. It's horrible not being able to talk even with your twin, so I hope you'll get stronger and do it for me. There are times when I think "I'm not going to make it", "Why don't I **** myself already?". I have to be honest with you, right at this moment I can't be sure whether or not you'll even exist. Five years feel like a lot of time, and in these late months I've felt so hopeless. I can only see suicide as an option right now, since every other possible way seems too far from my possibilities. I'm daydreaming so much about my future, but I know everything will only remain a dream. By the way, if I'm writing this there must be at least the littles bit of possibility for me to make it, am I wrong? I mean, I'm writing to my future self, in English, so probably not all hope is lost. Or at least that's what it should feel like. By the time you receive this letter, I image you living in Los Angeles, with your twin, being an actress of moderate fame and a great talent; I can't tell if you're studying in an Acting Academy or already working, and I actually don't know what I wish most. But surely enough you're doing your best over there, with the help of your cousin and his family. As I write this letter, I can't imagine you being in a relationship, but based on how lonely I feel now that I'm single and all, I sincerely hope you have somebody who loves you the way you deserve by your side. I hope you're starting to meet all those famous people you've always dreamed about, and I hope you've made a lot of friends. I'm sure that, if everything I'm thinking about happens, you'll be fixing every single mistake I make as I write this, but I'm fine with it. It will be a real experience to re-read this in five years, and who knows, maybe you'll even decide to write another letter to your future self just like me, wishing her all the best. I know I could be going on for hours with my letter, but right now I don't feel like it. As I said earlier, I can only see hopelessness in front of me, and I'm fighting so hard to keep breathing even right now. Please, when you receive this letter, forgive me and all the mistakes I've made in my life, be those big or small. I'm asking this because I imagine you being happier than me, and I would hate it if I let you down with my letter just as you start feeling better. So yeah, that was it, I guess. It was a great pleasure and an honour for me to write this letter, and I wish you all the best. I want the life I dream for you to happen. And remember, I don't love myself now, but in five years I hope that will change. And if you aren't able to love yourself, well, I'm loving yourself for you. Best wishes for your best life. Bea.