A letter from July 21st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, it is the 20th of July today about half three, I'm pissing about at mums with **** all to do, ******* some time on tiktok before I go back to dads. mums has just left on another one of her crazy adventures, she is cycling 70 miles with a load of camping **** strapped to her bike to meet Sarah in Yorkshire just to cycle the 70 miles about in a day or two. anyways the past couple of years have felt like such life changing years and I know that sounds stupid because I'm only sixteen but I just wanted to mind dump just so future you/me will remember how I felt going through all of this ****. I keep reminding myself that these years are the character development parts of my coming of age film. so high school is **** for everyone I'm aware but I feel mine may be even more subpar than most lol, so I think the day/ days that followed this event will forever be burnt into my mind. I think about it and still tear up, I want to write me feelings down so I will never forget these feelings. The second of march, it was Seb’s birthday party, it was a usual party with the classic extremely toxic and mentally ill group of young people that I happened to surround myself with. it was early march so it was dark and pissing it down before it even reach half past nine, but nothing seemed extraordinary than any other of these MenTaL tEeNAge RAgErs that had become routine. The vodka induced crying had begun for many of the girls, I remember arriving with Sadhbh, Lola, Anya, Alice h, and Isobel we walk into sebs front room and greeted everyone in a sufficiently drunk manner the first 15-20 minutes of a party was always just as awkward. I remember seeing Uma crying, she came up to me and apologized for everything she had ever done to me, and said that she knew I didn't like her, I passed it of a another girl who had downed too much echo falls and told her she had nothing to apologise and that she should be upset. after this I sat outside with poppy and had a cigarette in the rain and forgot of mine and Uma's weepy, slightly strange exchange, because the wasn't uncommon it was very common. the night continued and it was nothing out of the ordinary I left and fell fast asleep, until the next morning when mum came in and asked if I still wanted to go on that walk in edale with her, (the one which required us getting the train from Didsbury train station) before I was very up for and ready to go on this walk, but I just woke up and just knew subconsciously that I couldn’t go. I still think about this did I know deep down what happed or was I just a lazy hungover teen- I don’t believe in god or religion but this still makes me question whether the may be some sort of higher power. I don’t know, maybe you do. I didn’t and still don’t use snapchat very often and didn’t open the app or look on the party group chat, I just though all of the hundreds of notifications where people sending photos from the previous night. I was very, very wrong. I remember being sat on the kitchen table and doing some art course work for school and then I got a notification from Edie, I just tried to find the exact conversation but my phone hasn’t saved that far back. but it went along the lines of "is it true or like a prank on snapchat?" and I was like huh what you talking about, and she said "did she really die" and I remember my stomach started to drop as I flicked through people snapchat stories saying "rip Uma". i was crying but not like sobbing my years were just watering because I still wasn’t too sure what had happened, I scrolled to the top of the group chat I relieved everyone panicking in the previous hours of the morning, and then the slow transition to holy ****! this is actually happening. Uma a girl I had known for four years at that point who had been round me constantly for four years had walked with one shoe on through the rain in a small party dress and jumped in front of a train. this is hard to type out I’m not sure how to explain relieving the evening of the nigh were our friend, sister, daughter had decided at 14 that life just wasn’t for her. I didn’t nothing when she came to me visibly upset and I know you can’t blame yourself or whatever but what if I just sat down with her, had a chat gave her a glass of water, could she, would she still be here. I am very aware that these are extremely stupid question to be asking but I can help it. I remember sitting in the house on my own and just having this immense feeling like there was huge weights pushing on my chest, it retrospect I think I was having a panic attack, something I realise that I’ve been having for many years. what do I do in a situation like that, so I picked up the phone and rang dad, he was out on a dementia trip or whatever he calls them, and I just held the phone my hands were shaking and I just couldn’t say it. he pulled the car over and finally I told him I said "dad, my friend has died, I think she ****** herself, they are saying she jumped in front of a train at Didsbury train station by the big Tesco". i couldn’t get through to mum until she got home, and our relationship with mum is strange because I don’t usually let her see my emotions because a lot of the time I have to be the adult in the relationship, so I explained what had happened I she took me to Nathans were a large group of us were. from the morning of the 3rd of march and the following weeks I felt as if I was in a sort of hazy dream, every time i remember her ***** I feels like such a vivid memory but it also feels so unbelievable surreal. I just felt sick for days. I was awful. like I’m actually crying now. one thing I remember so vividly was the walk to school the first Monday back, so the 4th. I met Lucy on the comer like I had done for all of high school, i saw her and she hugged me and I just burst out in tears and she just hugged me and said that she was there for me. I sometimes forgot about how much Lucy has been therefore me I don’t tell her enough. but we got to the tram and she got on the early one as I waited for Sadhbh and Sophie, whilst waiting Elijah walk past me, we both made eye contact I he just started crying I could see like the huge pain and upset he was feeling just in his eyes. we bout just sat there at either end of the platform crying whilst receiving all the strangest looks from all the adults on their way to work that morning. I don’t really remember the tram journey or anything. I do remember the assembly though, I was holding sadhbhs hand as we walked in and sat down, whilst all of the 300+ eyes of the rest of the school watched even more of the weepy grieving teenagers filed in and sat down. I don’t remember much of what Mr McElwee said but I wasn’t great to put in lightly, I remember at the point where he said tears will not bring her back, in which me and sadhbh were now both balling our eyes out, Mrs rainford was trying to get us to leave. but we were both just frozen, like remember physically trying to move and I couldn’t. she physically had to grab our hands to get us to move. I remember leaving the hall once again in front of everybody who now knew the grim details of our friends’ suicide. as soon as we were out of the hall Sadhbh just burst out to just like heart-breaking sobbing, like i can still hear the pain in her voice whilst she was one the phone to her mum. the following weeks was when the school really should they lack capability. after failing Uma in the form of not dealing with her bullying and dismissing her one multiple occasions. we were promised various counselling sessions most of which we did not receive, we found out that the teachers had all had counselling sessions. they forced back to lessons. lied to Harjit about the availability of councillors for us, they lied to us and said the removal of the memorial was because Uma family opposed it. which was a lie just a straight up lie. anyway I’m not at Parrs Wood anymore I’m trying not to be angry with them, they were just people who were grieving as well, I’m sure a lot of them were dealing with guilt in the way that they were meant to be looking after her. but the following weeks and month I saw true kindness and strength like I had never seen before. Uma's family were, are so amazing, tara, I don’t know how to put into words, but she was so strong and kind and considerate and amazing even going through the hard **** ever. I think although it was one of, if not the most life changing and heart-breaking experiences, I have every been through. That family showed my what strength really looked like. I remember that whenever she was at the memorial when she would leave, she would say bye, hug have a conversation with every single person there. she would ask how WE were doing. the admiration I have for tara and Uma’s mum and the rest of her family is so so ******* high like a can’t really explain it. I don’t think I have to go into everything that happened because I sure that it’s still some extremely clear memories, I think that was quite helpful for me to just put my feelings on to a page. I was going to talk about some happy light things, but I think I’m just get through the rest of the depressing **** first. so, I’m writing this in the easing of the first lockdown, I say first because I’m predicting there going to be a second wave. lockdown did mean I didn’t have to sit gcse so that is 100% a win, haven’t got my results yet so that will be interesting. lockdown and talking a break away from my friendship group has allowed me to see that it was an extremely toxic place, i felt like I tried so extremely hard to be included and wanted them to like me. I wanted to get to the place where I didn’t have to invite myself that people invited me because they wanted me there, but lockdown truly has shown me who cares about me and I can honestly say I think I am feeling much more content on the friendship situations, I am also very excited for collage nervous obviously but excited to meet people who are into the same thing as me etc. in that way lockdown has been very good, I mean it still stings a little to see them all out when I’m not but I just keep putting it into perspective. in other way I think that lockdown is getting a bit damaging, ermm I I’m getting quite bad eating habits I have lost 5kg in 4 days I know that not a lot but i just want to get my weight down just for myself I just want to feel more confident in myself. I don’t want to get an eating disorder but like I already have relatively bad habits anyways. I don’t we will see. another big thing was oil’s suicide, 1 year and 15 days apart from Uma’s so I am now Christine march as the suicide month, so if things ever get too bad at least ill now what month I want to go in. sorry to dark. I am sixteen and have experience the suicide of three people I knew, Tom (Lou’s son) that was august 15th 2018, Uma’s ***** was 2nd 2019, and oil’s was 15th 2020. I never really got to know oil I hadn’t seen him in many years, and I had been a child the last time I had seen him. which is very sad because I never really got to known my own cousin which I think I unfair, I think suicide is unfair on the world like all the people who missed out meeting the Uma’s and Oli’s and Tom’s of the world. I’m sad that i didn’t get to know them longer. dad told me about oli at midnight, so I found out this shocking news only to then go into school be told that that was my last day of high school, no leavers assembly no prom no exams. then we got put on full lockdown which is still mental that the entire world just stopped for 4 months and that a close family member had also jumped in front of a train. Pete had moved back from uni at this point, and a week later we drove three hours to London to experience the most depressing funeral. there were only a small number of people aloud, derrick and Liz were there separately with the new partners, Evelyn was there with dan, seb was there, Marion and Simon, and Joel and Elliot were there and oli’s ex-girlfriend and her mum were the only people around there. so that what’s 17 people, the service was short it lasted about 20 minutes then we drove back for three hours. ***** is such a surreal thing, like I was such a strange experience. I felt that I almost didn’t deserve to be there because I was talking a place from somebody who knew Oli. I feel almost in a weird way ***** is become a more normal part of my life, which is scary to say because I feel that I shouldn’t be saying that at my age. anyway, that is enough depressive **** because I am feeling way to emosh to carry on which the heavy stuff. but that’s about it for the lifechanging events that I am living through. I mean this is all concerning my personal life, more insane **** going on is the BLM movement I am trying to be the best ally I can be, I am learning, I am protesting, reading, sharing. it is honestly the most insane thing; I find it utterly infuriating that this still is classed as a controversial opinion. just to say that black people do not deserve to be ****** by police, like how is that a crazy opinion!!!!!! I have been to the big march in Manchester with a group of about 10 of my friends. 15,000 people showed up, me and peter and Alice went to the second one expecting a similar turn out, we were all bitterly disappointed to see that 200 people were there. there such a culture now of performative activism and as soon as it not being a "trending topic" most of the white people are showing up. like it makes me so angry, how can someone be silent during the ******* revolution. I honestly believe there is something big coming and I can’t wait I’m ******* sick to ***** of the unjust corrupt world that we are living in and I’ve only been here ******* 16 years like honestly think old people need to get a ******* grip. sorry rant over I’m just very hopefully that change is coming and jeff and the rest of the corrupt 1% better be ******* scared cos the people are getting incredibly angry. one another note me and Alice have really started to get this tramp thing going like I am so excited, we have got both of our designs ready for the first drop, we are sorting out the website stuff and the stickers. I’m super excited they look really ******* cool also! I am so glad that dad made us go to that art masterclass because I am so unbelievably happy that I met Alice and that she is such a big part of my life now. this is like super cringe but she just such a good friend like I have such a good time with her she super cool, I love that I can actually talk to her about thing I am actually passionate about, about art fashion and the future and politics. we have some pretty ******* memorable times, I still think so much about seeing the 1975 before lockdown in fib, uno we waited in line for 6 hours or something mental and it was so good like I felt so happy in that moment like I love that band I love her I love that we got to experience that together. I am so glad that I finally found like a true friend and she made me realise that how friend is supposed to treat each other. I never feel judged or stress around her. we just got good vibes uno. I just hope that we are doing well that we are being true to yourself and kind to our body and others. promise that we turned out aright that i feel confident and happy and that we show others respect and we are kind. i hope future Nancy that you are a cool bad *****, that i saw you walking down the street i say i want to be her. just look after mum, she needs it and i know she been a ****, but it is what it is. hope Pete has found his way in the world and that is he is happy, i hope that he knows that he is so special and that he doesn't need to be self-conscious. i hope that dad has taken some time for him and that for once he can put himself first and do stuff that he wants to do. this is from 16-year-old us to 21-year-old us (you better get that ******* reference !!!!) lots love from the ******** that was 2020 xxx