A letter from July 24th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, you are currently 18, 6 months into your first year of being an adult and you have nothing to show for it. u have yet to get your first job, your license, or even graduate highschool. you’ve been dating your boyfriend matthew for almost 8 months and u are unsure about your feelings in the relationship. you are scared to be vulnerable. you feel very alone in all your relationships. you feel that this year is worse than anything you’ve ever endured. you miss your aunt, your best friend, your mom and sister, your grandma, your dog, your friends. you are in the midst of a pandemic that your country has been quarantined in for 6 months and it doesn't seem like it will end anytime soon. you feel like you're getting worse and worse, and all you want is to get better but nothing is working. you're close to relapsing on xanax, even though today is your 6 months sober. you're very frustrated in your life and you aren’t even enjoying art. art seems like a chore now that you have made a considerable amount of money from it which has gone nowhere important and just to material items you've already lost. you feel so trapped and you know it but u have nowhere to turn too. you fear you’re being dramatic as writing this, but you always think you're being dramatic. all you were looking forward to this year was seeing my chemical romance live even though they broke up years ago, but now their tour is delayed a whole year to the date and you fear you wont live to see them live. u live for everyone around you, you know you’re loved, but u cant feel it. theres nothing that interests you anymore. the few times you've seen your friends you've been numb and removed from the situation. you cant hold a conversation without tuning out. you don't even know how many years in the future to have this email sent back, because you don’t know how much longer you’ll be alive. you’re scared of everything, you’re scared of cars, you’re scared of losing everyone around you, you’re scared of hurting people, you’re scared of yourself. at this very moment the smartest thing for you to do is check yourself into a hospital, but you fear if you do so you will never see your boyfriend again, and you're the only thing holding him back from doing the drugs that have already ****** him 3 times this year. you’re a snitch, and very few people know that. if your boyfriend knew, he would leave you right then and there. but you know why u did it, you hate cooperating with law enforcement, but it was in hopes it would keep him alive. whether thats the reason he's here right now or not, it doesn't matter because he is. you need to decide within the next few days whether you're going to go to the hospital or not because you’re really getting bad, and although you are suicidal, you still have the smallest amount of hope.