A letter from July 21st, 2020

Dear Future Me (in 5 years), Phew. You're 23 now. Crazy. Let's be honest though... I don't really know what I want right now let alone what I want for you in 5 years. I'm constantly changing. I'm in quarantine right now and I should be attending Carleton soon. I'm trying to dig myself out of depression. It's gotten pretty bad to where I can sleep nearly all day and then oversleep at night. I'm also staying at Alma's where I'm trying to create some kind of routine for myself. I know it's not really my fault if I fail at it because I don't have my own room or my own space anymore. So yeah, I'm not at my best. Junior year was where I feel like I peaked in performance because I was fighting for my life to get you into Carleton. By now though, you're out of Carleton headed to grad school (maybe. if you still want to be a doctor in psych) I hope that you were able to come out of your shell a lot more than you ever did, overcome your low self-esteem, and gain a new confidence in yourself. I personally don't know what God wants me to do with my life career-wise. I'm considering either psychologist and/or college professor. I wonder if you have it at least a little more figured out. Hopefully you have gotten closer with God, too and did not allow other's expectations of you to affect your choice of living. On that note, the advice I'd give to you is this: Don't allow others to determine your lifestyle. Only allow God to do that. Stay connected to people you love and express your love to others without wanting anything in return. Remember to enjoy life with all the pain and joy it has to offer. By the way, I'm so excited for you and your independence!!! You might be in grad school or even have your own apartment. Either way, you may have or may SOON have a space of your own.. finally. That will allow you to really function in an environment that you love and make your own decisions which is great. I hope you have also integrated a healthy lifestyle where you are working out every week (I've been working out each weekday for at least an hour with a workout routine followed by yoga session) and I hope you have developed in your yoga practice a whole lot more!!! There are some crazy poses that I'm trying to ease myself into. But with consistent practice, I'm sure that you will have developed in that area. And of course I hope all your other routines are in place like the morning journaling, yoga, bible study, etc. and nighttime reading and skincare, etc. Not to mention the traveling plans that will soon be in place, if you still want that of course. I was considering being a travel psychologist. I would love to be alone and travel. But you know, I'm still figuring it out and maybe you are, too. I'm kinda clueless about where you are and that's actually kinda terrifying but exhilarating at the same time. I just wish the best for you and I have high hopes for you in terms of finding what you're supposed to do in life. Just know that you're so worth it. Love, 18-year-old Me