A letter from July 20th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hey. It's almost three in the morning and I'm lying in bed thinking about love. And I'm wondering if I'm capable of falling in love. I haven't had a crush since I was a kid in summer camp. Sure, I think lots of people are hot. Sometimes I'll even experience a mild attraction to someone. But to really "like" someone in that way can only be possible after knowing them, by falling in love with their personality. And I'm too afraid and alone to try that. It's terrifying to invest myself into getting to know someone. What if I don't like them? Worse, what if they don't like me? The pandemic is making this feel even worse. I can't even spend much time with my friends, and I feel trapped at home, so the loneliness just builds up. I want to be in a relationship, theoretically, but actually I would just be happy to have an infatuation, to have someone I could yearn to be with. So I could feel that infatuation, that puppy love, that desire. Because I miss feeling that way. I love my friends wholeheartedly. When I'm around them, I feel that positivity, my adoration and platonic infatuation with them. If only I could be around them all the time, maybe I wouldn't miss the possibility of a romantic version. It scares me to think that I might just live the rest of my life this way. I hope you, Future Me, reads this differently. I hope you've found something.