A letter from July 19th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Do you feel fulfilled yet? Hey girlie. I’m currently at Carol and Sims place laying next to a sleeping Samantha. I don’t know if you’ll remember the summer of 2020 but it’s been pretty meh. Is corona virus still a thing? My mental health has been pretty not good lately, and I still am tired all the time. Auburn was fun and the time I was there was very transformative to me. I definitely feel like despite my emotional issues and unable to adult well that the last two years of my life have been the best. I’ve transformed into my own individual person, and I’ve learned that I have a purpose in this life. It’s to spread happiness and light, and to inspire those around me to do the same. Do you still take antidepressants? I feel like that’ll be a lifetime thing honestly... anyways back to auburn. I met so many beautiful people and created more meaningful friendships than I had ever had before. Even though I’m drifting apart from some of them I cherish the moments we had together. Am I sober yet? I’m hoping that eventually I’ll have the willpower to only do psychedelics, and only when I need guidance. I’m so tired of this pseudo happiness I’m creating with coke and amphetamine. I ******* hate drugs ****. I’ve been single for like three years now and I’m so happy. Me and Austin still talk sometimes but we’re just friends. I think I’ll always love him but I’ll never let myself love him how I did before again. I have been hanging out with someone who’s name starts with a B (it’s a nickname) I enjoy his company and find him attractive and intelligent and interesting but I don’t think it’ll go anywhere because I’m about to move to New Orleans. And to be completely honest I still don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, I feel really okay with not being in one. Did you stay in New Orleans? Did you become a festival photographer? Or a documentary? Or both? Or at least something that brings you happiness? I hope so. You know that’s all we’ve ever tried to find... I don’t know why it’s always been so hard. I would like to say I’m trying really hard to get on track right now but I’m not. Doing anything takes a lot of energy and I’ve been close to just giving up lately but I still have a little bit of hope so I’m going to cling on to it. I like being alive when things are good. But sometimes things stop being good for awhile and you forget what it’s like to enjoy existing. But I’ve felt that pure joy for life before so I’m gonna try to start looking for it again... I don’t know why I always have to fall so far down before I can go up again. Like why can’t I just be stable? Up down up down up down ****. How’s mom? She’s okay right now but she told me she’s been using again. I’m scared she’s going to go down a hole again but I guess it’s possible to be a functioning addict so maybe she can manage it. How’s Lexy? I hope we are still best friends when you read this. I love that girl so much, she’s my soul sister. I don’t know who I would be if I hadn’t met her... **** dude I was just thinking and I really hope you don’t have a child when you’re reading this... Jesus. Like I don’t expect ever not being on birth control but **** happens. If you are by some small chance I hope you’re giving that baby everything you never got and more. If you don’t have a kid do you think you’re going to? Right now I’m still thinking no, at least not anything planned. I just don’t think I will ever have the capabilities of being the best mother possible and I refuse to raise a child that I can’t give all my attention and love to. I miss Freddie and Lucii. I hope they are still alive. I hope I get this and I don’t die. Even though lately I’ve been suicidal I started back on my medicine yesterday and I’m starting to feel better. So yeah. It’s just been a weird couple of months dude. Leaving auburn for good in the middle of the night and only telling lexy bye was crazy but I’m glad I did it. I don’t think I’m running away from anything, I genuinely just feel like I’m removing myself from a situation and place I no longer want to be in. I don’t think that’s bad or immature. Who’s president? The elections are coming up and it’s Biden vs trump. Womp womp. How long is your hair now? Did you stop dying it? Probably not. I doubt the constant need of changing my physical appearance will ever completely subside. Is nanny still alive? I hope so. And if she’s not I’m sorry I’ll have to go through that, that lady did more for me than anyone else in this world. I will never be able to show her enough gratitude. Anyways it’s 6 am. Awesomeeeee, another sunset to add to the books. Good luck!