A letter from July 18th, 2020

Dear Siân, hey! How are you doing? It’s you from 5 years ago! Right now, Ioan and I are on a break and I’m not feeling great. I’m listening to sad music and just hoping it gets better. I've realised he can be controlling, and I think I need to break up with him. It's hard because he's my first love but at the same time I'm scared of breaking up with him (mum recons that he will start showing up to the house and being a stalker) ... I hope our love life is a lot better 5 years down the line! Right now, I've just gotten a promotion at Trespass (supervisor) but other than that, things aren't so great. Margot and Lola both had to be put down in the past few months (both while in lockdown) and you know about Ioan... If you’re on our plan, then you should be out of uni, and be a practicing nurse, going into paediatrics or midwifery! I'm so proud of everything you've accomplished; and you're doing so well! Whenever I'm struggling, I think about the future, and all of the great things that you're going to do! You're destined for greatness! Tell me, did you get that lavender tattoo? Are you still obsessed with succulents? I know you've had problems with hem in the past, but mum and dad are your biggest supporters! No one will be in your corner more than they will be! They won't be around forever so make the most of the time you have with them. The same goes for friends. You haven't got the best track record with them, but when you find the right ones, they're like gold dust. Right now, it's Annabel and Emily for me. Sally and the gang sort of abandoned me after Sally's boyfriend was creepy towards me at a party... Anyway, friends may come and go, but you should know that if they stick by you, they're not worth losing. not for anything!!! However, if they go, it's not the end of the world. You're a strong, beautiful, independent woman who doesn't need anything from anyone. You're out there making change and achieving amazing things! In 2025, it'll be 11 years since the depression diagnosis, 9 since the anxiety diagnosis, and 6 years since you stopped seeing Sarah. How's it going? How are you feeling? Are you still on the 20mg fluoxetine? (remember you were told you'd need to be on it for life?). as cheesy and as stupid as it sounds, it's ok to not be ok. Moods fluctuate, life causes changes, and it's only normal to react to them. I hope you've sorted some good coping mechanisms that work for you, especially in times of stress! Do you remember when you were 12/13 writing those cheesy inspirational quotes on the bedroom walls to give us motivation? Yeah, I know it’s cringy looking back now! You’ve gone through so much and come out the other side, and if you could do that, you can do anything! Sometimes, there’s bad days, but they only last 24 hours! It’s ok to need a hug or have some comfort food. Try not to isolate yourself though ok? It doesn’t have the best effect on you. Also, mum and dad are a lot more understanding of this sort of stuff now, so talk to them. Tell then what has/ is happening on a bad day. It’s ok. You’re young, you’ve got your entire life to be boring. Go out and live your life! No one else can live it for you! Go to that party, kiss that person, take that risk… You only have a 50/50 chance of regretting it; and if you do? It’ll be a funny story to tell your children and hopefully grandchildren one day! You’ve got this. Lots of love, 18-year-old you.