A letter from July 14th, 2020

Dear Future Me, Today, I had a facebook conversation about the emotional abuse that occured in my childhood. Sonja (his step wife) and Daddy never listened to me in the car and I felt cornered. I screenshoted the conversation and put in the in google docs listed "conversaion about emotional abuse". I also realized that kermin was a pedo, and like a child's facebook page and was after high school students. Disgusting. He is also a grandious narcessist, sonja was a malignant narcessist, and as a result of the disorganized attatchment, my ego is fragmented and emotions are suppressed in the form of alters. I also told my dad I forgive him after he finally said sorry, and said we both need therapy. Wether the sorry was a lie, I am not sure. I am not sure if it is his own aspergers ( I get from him likely) or possible narcessism. He shows no empathy, compassion and always talks about himself and doesn't validate my feelings. So I cut him off as well as Kermin, and block K on instagram, facebook, phone, etc. I am cutting off my dad as well but keeping some contact to see if he has changed. so far he hasn't; last summer he screamed at me calling me a baby after switching to a 3 year old alter and refused to see my point of view. Sonja was abused to. I believe it all has to do with their own personal issues and stress; but it is still not exact and I will hold my boundaries and not go back to the love-hate relationship. I am in control over weather or not I will contact them. I will not find happiness in the same pace I lost it. I am reslistant. A great book I am reading now is "healing from childhood abuse" but John lemoncetti. It explains my situation and effects perfectly and I am trying to follow the solutions. I am going to follow the steps towards recovery. I also (before I read anything). integrated myself without therapy and learned that self compassion and acceptance of alters is the key towards integration. Loving even the most negative parts, remembering the trauma with pictures and clues from your alters, and accepting the feelings as my own. I wrote alot about it in my journal and stickynotes in my black phone 8179052953, as well as recorded my switches on instagram (introspective.daydreamer #Qwerty2498). It took me a lot to stop chasing men, trying to stop the love hate bpd, realize narcessistcs like my dad cant see my perspective or change, so it is pointless, grieve the loss of my childhood and realize that instead of getting angry at sonja, I can say "who hurt you?" She was *********, physically and emotionally abused (all forms of truama), and as a result she is bitter and repeating what she heard on to me. I also learned to follow my intuition and gut feeling. The minute Kermin talking to me first day I met him, I sensed he was a pedo. And I was right. I noted him making ****** comments in roleplay saying "aw your chest is finally growing, your mommy would be so proud" and other remarks. Even he said, every joke has a grain of truth. My anger and sadness was finally validated by my dad and myself. But I am going to stand my ground and not go back until I am finally healed and know that is the best desicion. As for now, he is paying for my collage, so I will have some contact with him. He always wants to be in charge, and not listen to me. But I am standing up to myself and keeping my word.. If I say I will do something, I will do it. Now I just have to find a therapist, friends, and loving support. Also, Covid 19 is a fairy new ******; a respiratory disease that is causing ***** globably. Currently there is not cure; and we are required to wear face masks. I am making them with hylard h500 and posted them on etsy called "rhodeislandmasks". Unfortunately, the it is becoming an oversaturated market, so making it a buisness is impossible it seems. I also started to teach myself to sew, and I am impressed with myself. I finally got a pattern (simplicity 8444), and am learning to read it. I never thought I would be able to sew. I realized everything I consider to be hard (like photography), phone calls, was actually super easy. It was just my perfectonistic nature that prevented me from actually taking action. Taking action is something I need to work on. I will cound to 5 and just do it. It makes me feel more independant and in control; as well as knowing I am no longer a door mat. I still don't know what I am doing with my career yet, but I will study psychology and focus on that; as well as getting further into sewing and art. Might as well do it all if I cant pick just one. However, talking about psychological issues is triggering, and until I can get my sympathetic nervous system under control; impossible. My codependancy prohibits me from being an independant person and seeing their pain as seperate from my own. Instead, when talking about their issues, it becomes my own. I cannot handle any more stress. I also came to the conclusion that the root of my fear of ***** and high blood pressure came from when I was one, as a prieme, having the same terrifying high blood pressure I get on ocassion now. I never understood the connection until I had a flashback switching to my one year old alter. "their" emotions and flashbacks, are your own. They are you. And you have to accept that,in order to become whole again. Even writing this is triggering so I am writing it quickly. I will work on everying and constatly improve myself. I love you. I have a tendency to feel I need to keep documenting how I feel and the past, and be my own psychologist.. or maybe somehow using this to make money. This is my narcessistic side talking unfortunately. Instead, I can simply recommend the listed book that sums up everything to a T. I can become good at everything I do, and analysing myself is my specialty. It is amazing how much I transformed as a person, diagnosed myself, integrated myself by observation and recording myself and using it to look back on like some sort of scientific research. I am a very interesting patient. Perhaps, vieweing myself as a psychologist is a defense mechanism in itself. Over analying everying and solving my own issues through self aboprtion. On the bright side, I can now spot narcessist, heal myself, and know not to repeat the past. Maybe I am doing all this to feel smart and that I am finally good at something. I'm not sure.