A letter from July 13th, 2020

Dear 35-yo Jahzzy, I’d like you to get this on your 35th birthday for fear that 10 yrs might be too long a wait. Anyway, at 30, you are at your most (so far) depressed state to even think how good it must be to not be alive anymore. Of course, you haven’t really thought of ******* yourself but the thought of dying is no longer one of your fears, you welcome it even. You are not sure if it’s because your work is choking you (too much politics, hypocrisy, competition), or if it’s because your relationship is unsure (you probably will meet in 10 years again? he’s not sure but he doesn’t think it’s an issue), or is it because you haven’t achieved anything besides being an employee which you don’t want to do for life, or is it because you don’t think your plans to go to Australia won’t happen, or that you can’t travel anymore if you go back to the Philippines, or that you have a lot of condos to pay. Maybe it’s the combination of all these things and the fact that you are getting old without any real companion in life. You feel very lonely. You don’t think you can rely on your boyfriend, too. You feel defeated in life. You try to think how you could un-feel this. How were you so excited about life before? You even wanted to live for centuries! What happened to that excitement? That excitement was because of all the curiosity you had, because of all the things you wanted to learn, you read a lot of books and fantasize about a lot of things, you wrote, you tried a lot things, but why are you not doing them now? I do hope you’ve gotten over this depression now? I hope you have once again found the light, the excitement, the way to be alive. I hope you managed to be successful in any of your business ventures. I hope you didn’t let him go. I can’t say that your life has a reason right now, because at this current state, I don’t believe there is. It’s made so that you can suffer and feel like this. Life isn’t a gift. And so, I will write again when I finally think that it’s a blessing. 30-yo Jahzzy