A letter from July 8th, 2020

I found out that another streamer(ohlana) ****** themselves. Same week of reckful ******* himself, i guess another famous streamer also died but i didnt know them, the point is alot of what i thought was a getaway from how i am, watching streams and otv would give me happiness and hope that life is nice and good. But all the **** happening is just showing me that everything is **** and i cant escape my reality. Reckful was 30 and ohlana was only 26. I am 1 year away from that mark, but really i dont see myself being better by now. I hope im still aware of what i have to do. If i make it to this point. But really it is obvious with me, i am the only one that can help me, but the things is, i dont want the help, because i dont deserve it, and i will not in this lifetime sadly. Ooo yea im sad but its not like me being superficially happy will make my life amazing. And i will constantly fall into traps and lies thinking i am happy, but you deep deep deep down u know that u are not will not and wont deserve it anyway. Continue being the piece of **** you are, dont forget. You have to **** urself eventually. It might be better if h do it sooner rather than later. And dont forget to do it right, dont leave ur **** body behind, give it to who deserves it, nature