A letter from July 6th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, tomorrow is one year since i met J. One year since my life literally flipped. When i met jake, things changed. It was the first time I hung out with a boy. The first time i did anything with a boy. I don't even know how I got talking to him. But i remember kissing him. A lot. It's funny how you remember little details. Like i remember him taking his shoes off? I remember him not knowing my name and calling me iris. I remember him continually asking me to go back to his. But I couldn't. I was a virgin that night. He didn't know it that night, but he knew soon enough. I remember my 'best friend' telling his best friend I was a virgin. I remember telling her my thoughts. I remember her telling me she saw him out on Wednesday night. I remember her saying she spoke to him about me, and my upcoming birthday. I remember him asking me out for my birthday. I remember him then asking me out for drinks on the Friday before my Wednesday birthday. I remember him getting out of the car and opening my door. I remember not bringing a jacket. I remember him confronting me about my virginity towards the end of the night. Telling me its a good thing. That his best friend told him. My best friend told his best friend who told him. But she didn't tell me. I was on the spot. I remember then kissing in his car. I remember my birthday, kissing a lot. I remember seeing him out the Wednesday of my birthday after spending all day with him. His friends asked my friends if they were worried. Why? we all asked. We didn't understand. I remember walking home with him, kissing in his car more. I remember asking him to pick me up from south Melbourne on the Saturday night and i remember him picking me up. I remember it getting awkward when I asked if i should be worried. I remember picking him up the Sunday night, and showing him my *****. Him leaving his jumper in my car. It smelt nice. I remember him saying his friends questioned my age. Because i was 19 and he was 21.Him saying its 2 and a half years which is nothing. I remember meeting his parents, seeing his house. Nice house. Nice parents. I remember the first time we did things. I was vulnerable. I didn't know what to do. It was bad. Think we laughed it off but it wasn't good. I remember going to a footy function, and him showing up. I remember going to another footy function. And him double texting me when i was getting there. I remember him getting jealous when i spoke to another boy. I remember someone telling us we were cute together. I remember him saying 'let's get out of here.' I remember sneaking into his house, meeting his new dog, going to his room, losing my virginity, then leaving at 4am. I remember him asking me if i regretted it. I remember saying i wish we were sober. He agreed. I remember going to a work function, then meeting him out after. And going back to his house. Saying i was just going to go home but still going back to his. Lying to my parents. Sleeping with him. Leaving. I remember him meeting mum, him meeting dad. never him meeting mum and dad together. I remember him telling me about the other girlfriends. Saying i will come to the basketball one time because all the girlfriends do. Him implying i was going to be a girlfriend. I remember going to his basketball game. Watching him play, speaking to the other girlfriends. Thinking they were nice. Him telling me they were psycho.I remember finding out his best friend broke up with his girlfriend that night. His best friend was sweet. He was there for his friend, told me he appreciated me for understanding. Always i had said. I remember him inviting me to a trivia night with everyone on Friday. Meeting his best friends mum and another girlfriend. The mum finding out my whole life story. The mum saying 'if it's not on its not on' then proclaiming she's talking about the condom. No filter. I remember saying I had a good time, because i did have a good time. I remember waking up Monday morning to a text. Saying it wasn't working. Saying Cheers. Questioning the text. Being told he met someone the night before at the place he met me. Saying he spoke with his mum and she said that texting me would be the best way.Him saying he thought about this for 3 weeks when I knew him 2 months. Him saying he was also hurting. I remember my heart sinking. Crying lots. Going to work, crying at work. Being obsessed with it for a long time. Feeling like I let myself fall too hard too fast for something that wouldn't work. i remember going out of the Wednesday. I don't remember blacking out. I remember my friend telling him and his friends i went to a boys house when he asked how I was going. When really i had just drank too much and passed out. I remember hearing that upset him. I remember finding out they found out that my friend had lied, and them being angry because no need to lie. I didn't ask her to lie. I didn't expect her to talk to him I remember him trying to speak to me when out. Me telling him he was a *****. Me speaking to his friends out sometimes. Making jokes we can only talk to me when j wasn't around. Them being nice boys. Him being a dickhead. I remember telling everyone how he texted me. I needed to vent. That was wrong. I haven't spoken to him since October probably. He used to give me a polite side hug when he saw me. That stopped when i didn't seem interested. Saw him running last week. Felt nothing. Don't think we would have lasted anyway. We weren't the same. But it still ******* hurt.