A letter from July 5th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, So... tomorrow the 6th of July, I’m going to court. Why? Oh maybe because someone hurt me. Hurt me really bad. He was someone I trusted, I mean I thought I could trust him. But I guess I was wrong. I shouldn’t have let my guard down. I shouldn’t have gone to his place and drink ******* alcohol. Do u get what I’m trying to say? I’m just saying that I got raped. Yeah. I did. How do I feel? I feel betrayed, depressed, but must of all, I feel empty. I mean, this is ********. Maybe you thought that I would feel angry, want to him something or someone? Well I do. But I also feel like no ones here for me. Almost my whole family knows about me. But the aren’t do anything. My mom thinks that therapy is gonna solve all the problems that I have in my life even thought she doesn’t know anything of me. About how I feel at least. Maybe therapy will work. Maybe it won’t. But I don’t think it will change the fact that I have always felt rejected like my biological parents, felt betrayed like, well...the rapist. I want help. But I don’t know how to get it. Therapy won’t ******* work. At least I don’t think so like I said. Maybe I won’t even me alive when I’ll get this letter. Maybe I will. who knows. From the day I was born I always felt depressed. If someday I get to do it, if I finally end myself I mean, at least I won’t feel anything. At all. Or maybe will I. I have no idea how this whole thing works. I have tried ******** myself by cutting but it just hurts so much that I didn’t have the strength to do it. If one day I get pills or a *** I will do it. For sure. Maybe I’ll hesitate. I love my little sister. She’s the reason why I’m actually still alive. She needs a big sister by her sides and she’s the youngest one. How could I leave her. I don’t know. I just hope that one day, I’ll get to do it. Just be free of everything in my life. I just can’t carry this anymore. There is too much **** in my life. I don’t know if the fact that I **** myself is selfish and is a sign of weakness because I don’t want to keep going, or the fact that I am strong. I have no clue. But if I’m alive, that rather means that I’m rather weak for not doing it, or I am strong for being still alive. 13 reasons why, a series, my favorite almost, is about suicide and rape. I don’t know when, but Jessica Davis says this sentence: « my name is Jessica Davis, and I’m a survivor. » this sentence gives me chills, but gives me hope too. It’s weird to link my life with a movie, but it means a lot to me. So... I guess for now, that I’m a survivor. So I’m going to say it too. My name is Eleanor Zanoli, and I’m a survivor. Sunday, 5th of July 2020