A letter from June 27th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I hope your living life to the fullest are you healthy? hows the gym going cause right now ya girl is slacking. Nearly all my friends are 18, 4 months to go till your birthday and HSC. What atar did you get? writing this makes me sad, I know I have essays to do and I really should be studying, I lack any type of motivation. I hope you have the job of your dreams, I may not know what it is yet but I know u will. Im just a little bit indecisive thats all I cannot be seen in public without makeup, did you fix that? I have always been in the talking stage, right now I'm being ignored, what did he do? did he stop talking to me completely? was I just too annoying. I understand tho, I'm not the best when it comes to showing my face, I am just too insecure. I have never been loved, I hope you are sitting snuggled up with someone you love, or resting peacefully by yourself. whichever one I hope you are happy with both. I have very big stretch marks on my belly, sometimes I find it hard to look in the mirror, not seeing a body that I used to have. But its funny because now looking back at older pictures, you really did have a good figure those times you thought u were fat. I guess there has never been a point in time where u were truely happy with your body. did you fix that? I never want my friends to feel the burden of my sadness, I want them to be happy and not have to worry about me. I try my best to give advice, I may be mean at times but I truely just want whats best for them. it felt really good to hear my English teacher comfort me the other day cause I was stressed, that day I got a speeding fine for doing 10km over. I really just want to thank her for making me feel better. right now Steph does not want to talk to me, my best friend of 13 years ignores me whenever we don't agree on something, I really do hate it but I understand because I am horrible when it comes to having empathy for someone On a positive you got 94% on your math test, it was easy tho so did most of the year think that too. Your rank doesn't define who you are, I say this nearly everyday constantly at the back of my mind. I'm sitting here by the fire, Chloe is sitting in the chair next to me and I just wonder if she is still with you now? She has always been your best friend, I do take her for granted when all she wants is love, I am selfish. i had so much fun in Denmark, but every time I think back I remember the time I was so drunk and a guy that I had never met took me into a closet. I am so sorry you had to deal with the abuse from the hands of a man that u don't even know, I am sorry that it might still be on your mind 5 years later. you never think it will happen to you, until it does. I used to pass it off as a little joke, I didn't realise what truely happened to me but now whenever I'm sad it always seems to haunt me. It was new year that it happened, you had to catch a flight the next day, I was scared that something was wrong with me and I didn't know what to say or If I should at all. Steph was there for me. My childhood was so great, but I cannot be alone with him, I am so sorry that you thought what was going on when you were a little kid was okay. you are a strong woman I can guarantee that. I want to feel safe when a man enters my life but I just cannot find the courage. Mum is in her pink flower pyjamas that she got from Peter Alexander, she is just so obsessed. how is mum doing? is she happy? I hope she is I tend to blame a lot of my mistakes on other people, I feel pathetic just thinking about it. I do not deserve love from another, i hope you are finding that love in your own self. although writing this Is hard, hearing the harsh words I put onto myself, please always remember that you are worthy. life may be tough sometimes, I hope you are finding different ways to deal with this loneliness cause right now I need help. if I don't get it soon I might not ever read this letter. I love you and I hope to meet you one day!