A letter from June 27th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, If ever you read this, congratulations you endure and survive. You know that I wanted to come to the place where there's no coming back. You still remember the first time you will take actions on your thoughts? Everything was already been plan however your brother decided to sleep on your room you keep on telling him to get out but he was so stubborn? Yes, that was failed and you you just decide to catch up with your friends and to get wasted. You wanted to tell them you decided to take your life but you were afraid that they will judge you, so instead you just tell them half of the story. Then pandemic happen you made a wrong decision to not go to work and you suffer 4months without work? You didnt tell your family the whole truth. All your savings was gone. You're drowning on all your negative thoughts and anxiety level is way too high. If I have the facilities I'll do it again, but unfortunately theres nothing to use to do it this time. Seems like its not my time yet. I wanted to reset. Shut down everything and just start over again, Im not afraid to be alone just tired of everything you have friends but downt want them at the same time. You no longer want to meet with them but its impossible because you cant avoid them small world huh? You started to reconnect with your highschool friends, but do you really feel that you're a best friend to them? To be honest I have a gut feeling that they dont consider me as one. Im just a colleague, will be there incase they need you. You smile when your talking to them but after every zoom call everything falls back again, you cant escape those thoughts. You still have the urge to finished everything but you still have your family in which you need to feed. I still have to pay off what they did to me. Its really hard if you're the breadwinner of the family. The truth is im not afraid to end this, what im scared is that my siblings wont give them enough money for living. Its really sucks to be the most reliable one. Being mature sucks. I just want to scream and drown, its funny that everynight you pray that you wont wake up huh? Thw worst part is that you dont really know what you want to do. You just want to endure amd make sure you earn money to give to your mom. Your always annoyed when she compares you to other people. They bring down other people to question your ability. I really dont want to pursue your carrer, you hate it because your a part of lgbtq and u want to find your significant other if there is. You think everything is a failure. Its funny that youre writing this with your innocent niece beside you watching some weird Indonesian couple videos. Again if you were able to read this letter I hope that you already overcome the darkthought and atleast reach one of your dream. PS. If you are still mesirable stop it, its your sign to end it as soon as possible because you know it will never end. Take a rest now. You dont want to live, remember you deserve to be peaceful, dont mind other people you already done enough to them. Its time to make your self happy. No one can convince you but your young self. And im here begging you to end it. Youre way too tired off all the ******** and wearing masks in front of everyone. Strip down and rest. No one will ever notice 😂😉