A letter from June 24th, 2020

Dear Alex, I'm so bad right now, I'm broken, lonely, depressed, sad, lost, wanting to die or disappear. Wishing it was all over. But I can't make sense of it, since I have everything. I don't find reason to feel this way every day, but I can't help it. I don't like being young and sad, sometimes I'm very angry and treat everyone badly, but it's only because I feel angry at myself. The few people I told this, they told me that I'm not trying hard enough, that I don't look depressed because I smile all the time, that everything will get better and that i have no reason to be so dramatic. Maybe they're right. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it, I hate it. My mind invents things every night, it doesn't let me sleep, I feel that as soon as I close my eyes someone will come for me. I even see their shadows behind me in the daytime. Sometimes it's all so real, I hear them whispering in my ear. It scares me so much that I have to go to sleep with mom and pretend I do because it's hot in my room. Other times my mind screams out new reasons not to sleep. Sometimes I'm the one who thinks that sleeping is a bad idea. I don't like to wake up and see everything go on the same way. So my mind convinces me that the best thing would be not to sleep, so I can't wake up like that again. There are days when I'm asleep, in bed. I don't like waking up and seeing everything stay the same. But I also don't have much courage to get up and smile at life as if it were nothing. I get very tired doing it. I laugh all day long, make jokes for others to laugh, i make fun of Mom when she yells at me or gets hysterical with me, it makes me feel a little better. If I don't laugh, I lose control and end up crying. I thought the anxiety and panic attacks were just a stage, that they were gone, but I was wrong. I imagined that they came back after a while, but now I realize that they never left me, and that I keep having panic and anger attacks without noticing it. Sometimes I lose control so much that I want to hit someone, but I can't do that with my family, even if I want to. That's when I decide to hit a wall, or break things, or hurt myself. I also often lose control when one of my belongings disappears and I can't find it, like I did the other day with my notebook, the one where I write down the things that cross my mind (and in fact this will go there too). I went crazy, I threw all my things on the floor looking desperately, I hurt my face, my arms and legs, I couldn't stop crying and hitting my head hard. Broke a small wheel of fortune, which was my favorite. I managed to calm down after hours, and that's when the other crisis happened and to find the notebook, I moved all the furniture in the room. That day was productive, or so I think. I finally discovered that Z had hidden it for revenge. Another usual way to lose control is when someone messes up my stuff. It happened with my clothes the other day. Mom, in an attempt to help me clean my room, hung up all the clothes in a horrible order. I got so nervous, I wanted to cry and scream. I yelled at her, I yelled at S, at Z. Big hoodies, little hoodies, sweaters, party shirts, long casual shirts, short casual shirts, long t-shirts, short t-shirts, baby dress, school uniform. Without the order I can't concentrate. It always has to be that way. That's when I discovered the panic attacks again, that's when I realized I was losing control and needed to do something before I went completely crazy. Louis helped me. I'm tired, Alex, exhausted of all this. I don't like being young and depressed, I didn't ask for it, I wouldn't ask for it. The emptiness I feel is so huge that I'm thinking about doing drugs, or getting drunk every day when I can get out of the house again. I see that many people feel differently when they do. I'm not saying I want to be like them, no, of course not. I mean, maybe if I try I could feel different, and not like I'm feeling now. But I've also seen what drugs do to people, in series, movies, on social networks, around me. But I still think it might be worth it. I don't like feeling this way, I just want to be well and stable, so I don't reject my friends' invitations, so I don't treat my brothers and sisters badly, so I can fall in love and feel that love can be something nice, do what I like and really smile at life, not just to pretend I'm well. My dreams and hopes of having a good future, of getting what I want, or even of being alive, have gone down. And I don't know how to feed them back up there. Dear Alex, I can't take it anymore. Something is eating me up inside, leaving me more and more empty. I can't fill up with anything, I don't know what to do. As my mental health gets worse, so does my physical health. I have stopped eating, even my favorite dishes, I have no idea why. I just don't feel like seeing them again. Mom and the whole family keep telling me that I'm pale, that I should eat something, that maybe it's anemia and that eating a little more will make it go away. But I disappoint them every time by not doing it, because I can't. I don't have an appetite, it makes me sick to eat. I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this. If I decide to leave this world today, I thought many things would happen. S would feel sad for not having been with me long enough, and I would feel horrible, wherever he is, because I would not see him grow up and I would not give him advice that no one else could. F would grow up without a healthy father figure. Without a mother to give him the attention he needs. He will grow up not knowing what love and understanding is, because his parents will not teach him everything he needs, just like my parents did with me and my brothers. With Z I'm not sure, maybe he'd feel bad about treating me like ****. Dad would blame himself for everything, for not paying enough attention to me. Mom would blame herself for absolutely everything. It's understandable but at the same time not, since now that I'm alive, he doesn't care. Same as with Dad. D is very unstable, he needs someone to remind him how valuable and beautiful every day is, so I'm terrified of what he'll do if I'm not there with him. G is the same, although I'm not sure. C and J will feel bad that they haven't been with me in the last few days. Same with N and M. Sof is the person I want to disappoint the least. She's helped me so much and I don't want her to feel like a failure. I don't want to leave her alone, even if we are separated. I love her very much, and I would love to be able to hug her, but it's impossible right now. Maybe what I'm guessing is true, maybe not. Maybe these people wouldn't miss me at all when they die, maybe I imagined this because I need someone to take care of me. I don't know, I just know that I don't have answers to my emotions and behavior, so I choose to ignore it. The only time I don't ignore it is at bedtime, because it's quiet. And when there is silence my mind screams at me all the things I choose to forget during the day. I don't get it. I don't like it. Sometimes it's too much, I can't ignore it. The smile on my face becomes heavy, the jokes I make are not funny, my attempts to brighten up the day fail. That's when I feel most lost. It's been five years now, so I'm going to send this letter to the future to find out if everything is still the same, or not. Deep down, I hope that something will change. Love yourself, A.