A letter from June 24th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, How are you? I literally can't imagine how your life is right now at 34 years old. Like, what? I don't even know how I'm gonna make it through this year. Ah yes, let me remind you what's going on in the world right now: We're in the middle of a pandemic, covid-19. We've been in quarantine since March 16th and I've only went out ONCE since it began. I went to eat lunch at Daisbell's because it was father's day this past Sunday. Anyways, the pandemic. The world is a mess right now, everything's kind of scary. Even more because we're in Venezuela. My coworkers were fired and I'm the only one left, along with the manager (Sra Lourdes). We've had to work from home and even that is stressful. Also... Everything's expensive. Lots of things broke down at home, so I've had to expend my savings... yeah. It's not easy. The only thing keeping me sane these days is BTS and my family and friends. How are they? I hope they're all healthy. I really do. Oh, I'll write you another letter to talk about Bangtan, ok? I love them so so much. Hmm, it's almost 5 am right now and I decided to write you, future Me. You might be wondering "what the hell does this kid want from me?" and to be honest... I don't even know, I wish I could ask you things about my future... but I can't so I'm using you to vent. I hope you don't mind. So it's almost 5 am and I have been thinking, as you know we tend to do, about my past and my future. I even got so overwhelmed thinking about all of it, that Namjoon timely posted some lyrics on weverse an hour ago and I literally cried: RM, Weverse 200624 (너무 깊이 생각하지 마: “Don’t think too deep about the times that can’t return, for only sadness returns Don’t think too deep, for even this moment, which has become a friend to loneliness, remains as a lovely song”) 🎧 https://t.co/y07RBmHQNG Beautiful isn't it? How I wish I could just... not think too much. Or at all. I was thinking about missing chances, about the chances that I DID take and weren't fruitful. About how it would've been if it had been different (I think about this a lot... even when I say that I don't like to dwell in "hubieras"). Yes, I was thinking about Leonardo. But this is bigger than him, I think. This isn't about him, but about me. About how I'm afraid I might end up alone, how I'm gonna meet someone and date and stuff while being here in my parent's house. How I haven't kissed anyone (or more) or had an actual relationship with someone and I'm almost 30. These are some of my insecurities, and I really hope that you figured out all of this in these past 5 years. (Ah ****, I'm crying as I type this) I'm thinking about how scared I am of leaving the country, leaving my parents here. I'm so so so so scared of leaving them here, my heart hurts every time I think about them struggling here while I'm enjoying my best life somewhere else. Realistically, I know I'm not gonna live all my life here in this house. Hell, that's not even what I want. But leaving wouldn't be the same as moving out to another house in the same city, you get me? I love them so so much, you know. I'm scared of something happening to then while I'm not here too. I don't like the idea of them growing old while I'm not here to witness it. Of coming back home and realize that my parents are older and I don't recognize some of their wrinkles. These are the things I haven't told anyone. These are the things that keep me from going abroad. I know I deserve to live a good life, a normal life. I fantasize about it. But I can't get myself to be that selfish. I don't know where you are right now, future me. I don't know if you're in Venezuela, Chile or somewhere else. I don't know if you're single, if you found someone in the past 5 years or you're still like me. But I really really really hope that you're happy, that you're comfortable in your own skin, that you don't live your life drowned in your insecurities. That you get past all this mess. Because I like to think that I'm going to get through this, somehow. And that things are going to get better. And that you are proof of that. I cried a lot while I was writing this, my heart literally hurts. This might be just what I needed though. I'm gonna leave you with my favorite song from Namjoon's mixtape mono, everythingoes. Because that's what I need to hear right now. ♡ It shall pass, someday Surely, without doubt It shall pass, someday Surely, without doubt It shall pass, it shall pass 지나가 (Everything, everything, everything goes) I embrace the world and take a quick, deep breath The stinging air that fills my lungs says it all Yeah, I who wanted to escape countless times The long times I suffered through, becoming numb Right underneath those times Everyday I pray that I can be a little better grownup And everyday I stay Because all humans and all the pains eventually die We have to face the wind to become numb Nothing can last forever in the dream Instead of those vague words to cheer me up, instead of those lies that this is how it is supposed to be, I pray that it shall pass just like all these winds ♡ I love you, future me. I'll be writing soon again ♡