A letter from June 23rd, 2020

dear future me you turned sixteen this year, you weren’t planning on doing anything because you hated your birthday and the connotations that carried it, you might still not be open to your birthday five years from now and that’s still alright. nobody judged you for it mainly because they didn’t know you slowly shattered, at least from where i am writing this now, emotionally. your mood swings are bad and you cant talk to your mom about medications or therapy because she freaks out every time you do and your dad promises you it’ll happen but it never does so you stopped trying and suppressed a lot of your emotions and pretended you were fine as usual you feel insecure in your friendships right now because you feel as though you don’t matter to them in any way shape or form, like you’re nothing and worthless but you can’t talk about it with them because you’re scared of being ridiculed by them which should be a sign you need to let go if it does happen but loneliness prevails like a ghostly ache that never goes away no matter how hard you try wish, you also feel idiotic for thinking this as you have been proclaimed their best friend multiple times but the deep rooted loneliness fear of not truly being needed hurts worse then anything an idiot might do but nonetheless, i am proud of you if you manage to read this at all as living for more then 3 years is a ridiculous concept. i hope you have new friends and old friends still who love you and care about you in ways you probably never will, or at least have. i hope you moved into that new apartment with one of your friends in LA or new york and i hope you have learned to love again and not be afraid of your affection for another to be used against you, and to be able to cherish someone properly. a quote from your favourite poem you wrote in 2020: “ Thinking about people in specifics became easier How my friends felt like spring and summer vacations How one felt like those early morning earl grey mornings the warmth of the sun on your back He felt like contentment A new home called for me when my words became found in the afternoons The sun still shining and everyone hustled along the sidewalk” honey. 03/19/2020 from, you in 2020. (06/23. 06:02)