A letter from June 22nd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Does it ever feel like your dragging yourself through the days, but they are all the same blur of feelings? Like you can never get out of this endless loop? Some days I feel that way too. I don't really know why I'm writing this, except to make you realize you aren't alone. I know the world feels so suffocatingly empty, and you feel like you have friends, but even if you explained it, they wouldn't understand. I have days like that. I think we all have days like that. Its part of life. We drift through days where we feel like everything we do is pointless. Where the world feels like it's swallowing us up, in it's busy bustle of people, who seem much more interesting then us. They have better achievements, are prettier, happier, have a better life. Sometimes these thoughts swarm you, keeping your head underwater, until it feels like you may drown. We all go swimming to deep inside our heads sometimes. Days where everything feels too gloomy, and if you can't be happy, then what are you doing. I'm sort of known as the happy friend, which is nice, except it's not. I swallow any pain, put others before me, and wonder, in the end, why? It's such a simple question, and yet, I don't know the answer. Am I afraid if I seem weak my friends won't like me? And if that's true, do I even want friends like them? But then I realize I don't know what I'd do without them? I'm not sure if that makes it a toxic relationship or not.  It's just that some days everything is great, and it's easy to play my roll, but other days it feels fake. I haven't cried around another person in maybe 4 years, but that doesn't mean I don't cry. I shed tears almost nightly, and yet even when my mask almost slips, and I think someone might comfort me, or tell me it's okay to be sad, they don't even notice. That makes me feel even more irrelevant. Is my existence irrelevant? I don't really know what to say, when people ask if I'm okay. Should I lie? Should I tell the truth? Should I tell them that I feel like I might break at any second, and I'm not sure I can recover from it? Somehow that always seems to turn into "I'm Fine" Do they understand that those 2 words hide so much pain. That those words will not mean I feel happy, until I am happy again. But I'm not happy. And I probably won't be for awhile. But that doesn't mean never. You feel that way sometimes. It feels like the world is going against you, but it's not. You can get through this, and you will. It's hard, but you will be okay again. You have to keep fighting, keep going, keep holding onto hope, because someday things will look up again. You will find your safety and happiness, and you don't need someone else to tell you that. I hope you can see that come true for yourself. Because when it does happen, everything feels beautiful. It doesn't mean it is all happy, it just feels like you have a purpose. A sad song is still art. It still exsists, still can be beautiful. You are beautiful. Find yourself, and love yourself <3 -From your past self<3