A letter from June 20th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, You're 25 now I really do hope you are doing okay. I really do hope that you are loving yourself more now because right now I hate myself. I hate that I am never good enough for anyone or that I am terrible at picking out people to be a part of my life, but in five years time I hope you got it figured out. I hope you have learned to love yourself more and be more comfortable in your body and hopefully look the way you want to. Its hard not being able to love yourself and wanting another person to do it for you when you know deep down that it wouldn't help a **** thing. I don't want to think about being alone for the rest of my life and I honestly don't know how to get out of this mindset, but here I am still depressed that I can't even get the guy that I like to like me back. Thats right I'm sure you might forget, but on the off chance that you didn't forget his name I'm sorry. I feel like he doesnt like me because of the way I look. I don't think I'm pretty enough which makes me feel like trash everyday. I want someone to love and for them to love me back. I don't know what love feels like, but I know this isn't it. I hope you have figured out what you want to do with your life at this point in time because I have no idea what the **** I'm even going to do I don't know if I should go back to school I'm not very good at it. I can't even say that I want to do what I love because I still don't know what that is either. The future is scary and I'm hoping you have it somewhat figured out by now. How's the baby? Is she talking yet? I'm scared for our brother because he isn't helping the situation. She is already five years old and can't even complete a sentence much less say a few words. I'm scared for her. I want to take her because she isn't in the right place and neither of her parents are trying to help her. They won't even admit that she has autism, but we all know it's the truth. I'm scared for her future I hope she is okay there with you and everyone else. Hopefully she's gotten better. I know I already talked about it, but I wanna talk about it again. I don't hate myself as a person I just hate how easy people find it to use me. I try and buy people with money even tho I know I don't have very much. I feel like it would help them to stick around, but it never does. I don't have any friends that actually care about me the ones that do check up on me I feel as though they only do it because they feel obligated. I don't like making people feel like that. I want to have friends that love me for who I am, but that's hard because I don't even know who I am. What happened at Eastern NM was hard and I know you don't want to deal with it, but its going to end up scarring you just like with what happened when we were 14 and then again at 16 then 17. Don't just forget to get help anymore. You need to remember you are not a victim you are a survivor. In order to get back in that mindset you need to get help and I am hoping you did just that. After all you are older than me take responsibility. Grandma always said you're beautiful maybe you should believe her for once instead of thinking about what you see in the mirror. I love you, but remember that you don't always need to hear that you are beautiful although it is nice. That's all I wanna hear I'm not gonna lie is for someone to call me beautiful without me having to ask. I want to be beautiful in someones eyes not just my families, but someone that I can see myself with in a romantic way. I hope you found that someone for the sake of the both of us. If not I hope you learned how to be by yourself not that I date or anything, but being content with being alone. Not having to latch onto someone for emotional support and then getting crushed by the reality that they will never love you. I can see this going one of two ways. First this letter can either be very helpful or second I'm going to cry because nothing has changed. I can only wish for the best and maybe in good luck it is the first one. Either way I hope you're still alive. I'm going to try and write one of these for every year for you to give you something like a surprise and hopefully if you get them and by the chance that you didn't off yourself you turn into a beautiful human instead of the depressed bean I am today. See you on the flip side I hope.