A letter from June 17th, 2020

Dear Older Me, It's me! Your 12-year-old self! Yes I am still very stupid and still a "child". I would imagine myself being a very rebellious student 5 years from now. Maybe you would even finish the stories I left in the dust. I hope you finally figured out your purpose in life. I hope you realize that you can write very good stories...rich coming from me, ain't it? I hope you still stay friends with Nicole, Jacyna, Sophia, Vivian and just all of them. Maybe just stay single because love is just complicated. This day is just a new chapter in my life. No clue why, it just is. It was as if I finally flipped a chapter in the book I have dreaded for so long. I'm going to be 13 next year, aren't you proud? Aren't you? You might not be seeing as I'm a person of guilt and lies. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm a fake. I lie to fit in, lie about everything. All I do is lie, and now it has become a habit and I've been trying to change it. Remember...whatever happens in the future isn't your fault, I should've changed who I am. But, how am I supposed to change? I can't change! I might never change but if I do, please tell me I changed for the better. You just feel...insecure. I know that during this day, I might be going through a dark time. Yeah, a "dark time". How could I lie about such thing? But...my feelings are real. I hate them...gosh, I hate feelings so much. It's just so...complicated! I'm literally in the middle of tuition right now and I don't even care. That's the problem, I'm becoming more and more careless. Please, change for the better when you grow up. Stop lying to yourself and to everyone around you. You might have depression in the future...I don't know how or why but it's a very high chance. If you ever think about if you're bad in someone else's story, remember that I've always told myself I'm the bad guy. I can't do anything right, can I? Every night when Insomnia has me in his grasp...I may never go back. Those nights I cried myself to sleep, why did I cry? Why? Why am I such a liar? Please...if I, your younger self, can read letters you sent from the future...please send me some! I need advice. Deep down you know that you're just a liar like me. No one is perfect. Dear Older Me, Tell me the reason I'm alive. Tell me the meaning of my existence. Why am I still alive? Why? I hope that you can figure that out. I hope you can be better, better than me. I just wanted to let you know, you are beautiful! You are the best! You are amazing! Oh gosh, you are everything Ma wanted. She loves you. Dad loves you. No one should have a reason to hate you...unless you stole someone's food then yeah I guess they can hate you. I know right now you might be suffering, just know that I'm always wishing the best for you! Remember, I'm counting on you to unlock our destiny, I'm counting on you to secure a safe future for both of us. I know I ruined the past, and this might affect the present, but the future is in your hands. I love you...and you need to love yourself too. Signing off, The Younger You.