A letter from June 16th, 2020

Dear Future Me, -I didn't edit this at all. I just started typing and stopped when I felt it was done- I've thought about writing this a few times but I really don't know what to say. I'm sure whatever I talk about you're gonna read this and be embarrassed or laugh about how you used to do this or talk like this. But that's a good thing right? You should always cringe when you look back because that means that you've moved forward and bettered yourself. So. Right now we're in one of the chapters of life I like to call 'working towards something'. And yea it sucks, because I feel like I'm not currently living my life. I feel like I'm waiting for it happen but I gotta keep reminding myself that just because I have my eye on the next phase doesn't mean this one is any less important. Is that actually true? Who frickin' knows but it helps I guess. Anyway, I'm feeling creative these days. I guess that's why I spent time writing this. I'm pretty wrapped up in this story. The one that started out as a fanfic but I keep getting ideas so it feels less like a fanfic and more like it's own thing. I honestly would love to turn it into a book but then I get discouraged because of how much work that is and I know I'll never be happy with what I come up with. I realize that I'm needlessly holding myself to too high of standards. It's never gonna be perfect. But then I circle back to not wanting to just cut my losses and put out something I'm not proud of like I have in the past. That ADHD **** right? Whatever. I'd be interested to know how it ends up. Hell. Who says I have to decide right now? Maybe I put work into it now and then take a break and keep coming back to it. It feels good to have something to come back to. Something to work on. And I'm still trying to encourage myself with other forms of art. I keep coming back to drawing on the tablet. I still think my stuff isn't good and I need a lot of practice with the program but hopefully I don't stop. And if I have maybe this'll spark some creativity. I know it comes and goes. And it sucks to feel like you lack that. **** this is weird. It'd be so bizarre but awesome to talk to you on the phone. Because I do want to ask you some things but I'm also scared of the answer. You know about the heavy stuff. Like right now, I'm trying to get back into school for Marine Biology to be a Zoologist. Honestly I just want to make a career of working with animals. Most preferably with marine animals and being in the water. Please tell me we didn't give that up. I don't care if it didn't happen on a timeline most people would consider normal but I just want it. I want to spend my days doing something I enjoy and not having to worry about every dime I spend. I want to not have to worry about if I can pay this bill or that bill. But I also wanna do some good. I want to make enough to be comfortable, have some security and be able to give back to our communities. But doing something I love. And I hate that that seems like I'm asking to much in the world we live in. Speaking of which. Things are pretty pivotal right now. People keep making jokes like, "****, 2020 is a crazy year and it keeps coming.", but honestly? I feel like things have been like that for a while. I've felt this brewing since like 2012, nothing has felt the same since then. But this year things have definitely amped up a bit. A global pandemic, some amazingly vast and progressive protests that actually have gotten people's attention, laws protecting queer people have both been rolled back and the others instituted, native land taken back, lynching JUST this year became a federal crime, like ****. It's a lot. A lot to be apart of all at once and on top of just dealing with my own personal demons. Like I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about top surgery. It just feels like it's right in my line of sight. Like it's right there but just out of reach. And I don't know if these new anti-lgbt healthcare laws Tr*mp passed will affect my chance of getting it this year. GOD, I hope it happens soon. But it's not like I can get it anytime soon anyway. Jobless and looking to move? ****, things just feel so in between right now. I feel like I'm worrying about everything all the time and just trying to stay happy. It doesn't feel like it's enough, ever. So I hope we're doing better. We just have some security and stability. I know we have dreams so much bigger but that needs to be at the base. And don't stop going once we get there. Right now I dream of living on the coast so I can be near the water, but also we work with marine animals right? So that only makes sense. What else? Hopefully we got our half sleeve looking the way we want, not a big deal but that'd be nice. **** this is so unorganized but I also am pretty tired. It's 8:30 am and we haven't slept. I wouldn't be surprised if our sleep schedule still fluctuates. But yea, I guess that's all I picture for us. A job with marine animals, or at least working towards that. A nice cozy place to home to and feel safe. Just Tatum and two boys, Mateo and Ambrose waiting at there for us. Surfing, skating, swimming, jiu jitsu, MMA, kickboxing, I hope you still do things that are active but enjoy. ****, I really hate how I'm not in the water. Don't forget about our communities, the native community, Hispanic community, and queer community. Help them animals but don't forget where we come from. Give to surgery funds, buy kids binders, donate to online funds, and buy products from the rez. Professionally: I hope our job works towards conservationism. Maybe we work with Ian. He does good work but not a lot with marine animals as of now. But he seems like a good person to work with. That'd be cool. Especially since his character inspired what might turn into a book? It'd be amazing if as your reading this you're smiling about how you just went diving and saw some sharks recently. I really hope we're successful one day. But in a good way. I don't think I'll ever have to worry about this but if we do end up making a lot of money, don't get greedy. If you start to see your success rising past certain prospects, set up some guidelines while you're in the right state of mind. Put a cap on your personal income. And if you make more than that then it goes other places. Like charities, local places, people's online fundraisers, ****, maybe do that reservation that we wanted. Just remember that too much of anything is not good. Switching subjects. I think about it a lot, probably because of what I'm writing about, with the 'fanfic, not fanfic', but romantic life? I have absolutely no idea where I stand on it right now and I can't imagine ever feeling different lol. Like on paper, sure, I would love to have a relationship I dream of. But we both know all the baggage we have. It doesn't just go away. On one hand, I wouldn't want to put anyone I care about through the BS I go through. And on the other hand I know that I have unrealistic expectations, See exhibit A, the fic I'm writing. But **** dude, we are friggin ***, like most of the time all we do is think about *** ****. And Tumblr does NOT help. It basically enables the *** yearning. Yea, we're that ***, we yearn... Whatever. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry. That just made me realize something. All the things that I've wanted someone to tell me, I have the opportunity to do that right now. I've always wanted, my entire life, someone to look up to, to guide me, and as sad as it is to say, fix all the broken **** that others have done to me. I've always wanted a father. I never had that. I never had a family or parents. Just people put on me that only damaged me. I don't mean to sound dramatic or whine but that's what happened. I had to endure all those years. Forced to be around people that only caused deep rooted problems. Now, I have to undo all of that on my own. I've never had anyone. No one I've every really trusted or could lean on. But you have me. So I'm going to do as much of that as I can from here. We've all each other has ever had. It's just the man in the mirror. And I know at times you looked at him with such disappointment and resentment. Not liking what you see and only thinking about what you can change. Well, here I am. You can't lie to me and you can't run from me. So I'm here for you, right now, in this moment. Here's what you need to here. Everyone else doesn't look at you the way you look at you. They aren't rooting for you to fail or dissecting every detail and action. Try and forgive yourself and learn to be kinder. The fact is, you are a good person. Accept that, please. I know you try not let yourself believe it. You aren't what happened to you. Every second your alive is amazing. Everything you went through, physically, emotionally, mentally. A lot less has stopped a lot of other people. So quit looking for an escape and just sink into those moments when you feel happy, and hopeful, and blissful. Because that's what it's supposed to be like. I know when things get bad you resent that you just get moments that come and go. I know. More than anything in life I just want to be happy. But we're also scared of that too. Because we've only ever known anything but that. Don't run from it. We deserve it. Even writing that, I don't truly believe it but I think it's true. So be better. It wasn't your fault the cards you were dealt. Forgive yourself for not being given everything you deserved. I'm writing to future me but I'm also talking about past us. That little kid. I can't help and think of him. He's so much stronger than we are, haha. He's going through so much pain everyday but he gets up in the morning and goes on. You and me? We're dealing with the aftermath. I know that kid never thought he'd make it this far. He can't even begin to fathom the life I'm sitting in right now. I can't picture what life you're sitting in right now. I just realized that that moment right there. That was a big win. Us as a kid didn't dare think of what comes next but I am. And you are. It may not feel like it but that's growth. I know how hard it is. I know we thought no one ever would understand. Because we barely understand ourselves half the time, but I do. I want you to know I'm proud of you. I can't ever remember being told that. Can you? So I know we never got that thing we always needed. I know. I always wanted that guy to guide me and be there for me. It saddens me to think of the man I could'v been had I just had one. Just one person along the way that cared enough. But we have to forgive ourselves for the people we didn't become. It might have been our weakness, not getting that person to look up to and look after us, so we searched for him and that only gave us more... dark things. But it wasn't your fault. Half of us thinks it really truly is. It's not. It's not your fault for trying to repair yourself. You tried. Don't stop trying. You can't stop trying. Because that kid, little us, he is so proud that I keep trying. Just like I am so proud that he didn't stop. We are an awe inspiring person. There is no one else who thinks, cares, laughs, creates, and aspires like we do. No one else that sees other people like we do. The way we look at the world is just so unique and beautiful. I know you wanted that person. You deserved it. And I can't tell you that it might happen one day because let's be honest, it probably won't. I could say that maybe we're too grand for one man to make all the difference. But that's not really true. It's just how that one went. You had to do it all by yourself. And I have to believe that's what made us who we are. I'd love to have a different childhood. To have done some things sooner. But really, I wouldn't go back and change anything. That thought actually terrifies me because this is all I know. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't live through what I did. You wouldn't be who you are if I weren't who I am. The things that happen to us in the five years it'll take for this to get to you makes you exactly who you are. And if the person reading this didn't do all the things that mentioned at the beginning. If you haven't thought about any of this in a long time. That's fine. I know we're gonna do great things. I can feel it at my core. Maybe it's the ancestors or whoever or whatever. I don't know a lot of things but I do that about myself. I'm not the kind of person to settle. I won't accept less than because I know I can do more. I know you are capable of all the things you dream of. So I think we're done dreaming of that mentor or father figure. We've gotten this far on our own. We've gotten further than all the things stacked against us should've let us get to. You are enough. Forgive yourself. Show yourself some of the kindness you give others. I am proud of you. Keep going. You aren't the horrible things that happened to you. You are not a statistic. You transcend it all, you really do. Do the things that make you happy. Believe in yourself. Don't worry about all the hangups. If I've realized anything, is that all the boundaries, all the red lines, and the structure of how things are supposed to work, it's all made up. I want our life to be enjoyable, because we deserve it, and accomplish wonderful things, continue to grow, and be everything we wanted and more. Don't let the things that really don't matter get in the way. I know it's coming for us. But we also know that we have to make it. We can. I'll do as much as I can for you. Keep it going. I'll see you when I get there.