A letter from June 15th, 2020

Dear Future Sophie, I'm writing you today pretaining a very important matter. you. If you haven't gathered just yet, this IS indeed a morse code message sent from me to me. Did you catch that? or are you totally over ***** cab for cutie now. I mean, Ben Gibbard really was never really that hot. Speaking of, did you ever get to meet him? Anyway. more importantly. We should talk about some things, like what kind of expectations I had for you that you did or did not complete. I will also make sure to take the time to tell you about myself, as I know I have neglected that in the past. In five years time, I imagine I've lived away for some time now. I must not have returned just yet. I've probably only had flings. Who am I ******* kidding, you've been in love AT LEAST twice by now. For god's sake, I hope they showed you so much love. Wouldn't be nice if you settled in a career path for a minute? I hope you did. I want that for you. A lot can happen in 5 years, I know. I can't wait for you to tell me all about it. well, I guess we've come to the part where I tell you a little about myself. It's not exactly fair of me to sit here and tell you all these assumptions I have about your life. The people you see, the things you do. Where you work and where you live. I want to know it all, I always have. laying in that bed when you were just 11 years old. Looking straight up at the ceiling knowing deep in your heart that if you just focused, you'd reach your future self. you'd reach me. Well, I'm here now. I think I'm begining to bring parts of her out, and I talk to her all the time. Try and tell her that everythings going to be okay. Just keep your chin up child, give it a few years and you won't even think in the same directions that you followed then. But its a little harder to reach YOU. You're much further away. or so it seems. realistically we're all likely to be the exact same distance from each other no matter where we stand. I can feel you, I know you're there and how to let you know that. But its like there's a disconnect from you to me. But if I could bridge the gap with her, maybe you can do that for me. bring me forward. even if that's not really what i want. They say that about the youth don't they. We spend all of our time wishing it away. When you will think back and wish you had even half of it back. I don't know. It's the kinda thought that never feels to make me cry, I think about time in these big extremes, like one day I don't have anywhere near enough time to get what I want done. and the next it's like I cannot wait to get it over with. I've really gone ahead and rambled... Part of me thinks I won't even re-read this stupid thing and just send it off. Will I even care?? **** it. So right now I'm living with Mom in my apartment on Hennenbury with George and Louise. Post covid- post Ireland. I've just bought my plane ticket to move to Hamilton. I have no idea what is going to happen, but everything in me is telling me that it is a better choice then what surrounds me here. Its terrifyingly frightening. to be completely honest what triggered my current moment of panic and this strange extremely long unessesary letter, is clearing out over 4,000 emails from 7 years. And well, I found a letter from 16 year old me. though it sounded more like 14 year old me. I wonder if you think that about me now. I really hope not. I really hope by the time this reaches you, that you actually like the person you've become. So I found that, and lots of nice things, lots of embarrasing things. It brought me back to that mindset of who I was, and in that little girls mind, everything that I'm doing now became so big and so scary. but i don't think it's big and scary to me all the time. today was kinda scary, and a lot of the adult things i do like paying my credit card (or more often, racking up debt on it) making sure i have food in the house and my light bill paid, feeding my cats and making sure they are taken care of , that **** is kinda scary sometimes. I'm getting really off topic. I'm about to move to Hamilton. ****, if you tell me it doesn't happen for whatever reason and I get stuck in the cat town, I'm going to be pissed. but that's not what happened is it. Other then that my only plan is to find a job at a coffee shop and a restaurant. make some friends, save some money. go somewhere else next. so yeah, I hope you've done all that. I hope mom came up for Christmas, and we had a beautiful time. I hope you've made it home to visit nan and pop as much as humanly possible. I hope you've kept in touch with Julius, and that he doesn't shut you out completely. I hope you talk to your family every now and then, they probably won't ask you how you're doing and that's okay. I hope you're strong enough to read this letter and be safe and solid even if it makes you cry. lots of love sophie