A letter from June 13th, 2020

Dear 2025 Lilian, Wow! That’s such a long time, five years... It feels so important idek where to start. First things first, how are you? How you doing? I hope, better than ever before, of course. Please, could you listen to “can we kiss forever” (just for the vibe haha) while reading this? Or any song you really enjoy for this moment (I trust you got really good taste!) I’m dying to ask you that... I was gonna say other things first but, are you married? Or do you think you know him yet? Well, if the answer is no, it’s fine, I’m sure you’re doing great. Well, my hope for you is that you by now know how much you’re loved by God. I love you... This is so deep, thinking about you reading all of this right now, it’s crazy... I’ve always wanted to do this... found this site on tiktok! Btw, do you still use tiktok, does ppl? Yesterday I started feeling like starting my own business, but I don’t really think I’m gonna do it because I have such a struggle to believe I can even do something small... I hope you’re not like me now, but I’m sure you’re feeling like wanting to hug me rn and giving me the world, and that if you could, you would tell me something really meaningful because that’s a part of you that I know now and I love it. My current favs: movie-> ‘The shack’, and tv show-> ‘Queer eye’. My favorite lyric rn is ‘Everyday life’ by Coldplay. But my favorite song, and I mean vibe, is ‘Gold’ by Harry and maybe ‘can we kiss forever’ (btw idk what the lyrics are of this one; doesn’t even look like I speak English, but I truly don’t know the lyrics) and some nights (as you probably remember) I like to listen to ‘Fine Line’ by Harry. What are your current favs? How is Harry by now? Man, he’s 31 by now, WHAT? Like, WHAAAT? It feels like yesterday that I was 12 and he was 20, it still feels hard to understand that he’s 26 and someday I’ll feel like 26 isn’t even that old, but now I kinda do, it’s closer to 30’s than to the 20’s when i had everything with my name changed to Lilian Styles hahaha. How about 1D? Did they get back together? I don’t really think they will, but it’s 2020 and people were telling that their acc icon has been changed and Zayn was there, they had re followed him; Niall and Liam just gave it to us pretty much that they were working together, and also there were new songs of them that hasn’t been released yet, but they are there... you probably don’t even care anymore, do you? haha Did you talk to Ester between these years? Is she doing ok? Did she really go to college? Man, we never talked again, somedays I think about her... it’s been 6 years since 2014, when we were best friends. How abt Lyvia? I think we probably rarely talk just like it has been all these years since I left, or not? But I feel we will always be special to each other, even if we don’t talk anymore. Please message them for me, tell them I wrote about them. do you have friends today? I had to write this in parts, because I had to stop for the kids, it was stressful but it’s a part that you probably don’t even get to remember everyday, do you? I feel like it’s one of the hardest things I’ll go through, it doesn’t matter all the other things I went through, the fact that someday I won’t be here everyday with them anymore, you know? Talking about them, thinking about them, I love them like my own children, I’m crying right now; I just want them to live the best, I want everything for them! Isaque is 9 now? Belle is 7... when did I sleep and forget to wake up? HOW? It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, to take care of them both everyday for this while, but it’s also worth it, it will always be, it’s painful, it’s stressful, it’s hard, it’s joyful, it’s lonely, but you probably miss it now... and I just need to remember myself of this everyday, I ask God to remember me of this everyday, I’m afraid to forget. I yelled at Isaque today, got mad, as so many other days; I slept on the floor because Belle wanted to lay on the sofa with Isaque (and I don’t mind about it) while my mom had to take a nap too and let them watching tv all day, we didn’t eat the most healthy meals today, but it’s alright; I feel like crying somedays cause I fee like I can’t take it anymore, parenthood... and now I’m crying so bad because I know it won’t ever come back, these days... my mom is stressed everyday, but not all the time, I told her to write something too but she doesn’t really care, she’s I think a little busy with the present to worry about 2025. But I love her anyways. I still can carry them in the arms, dont worry, I’ll carry them for you always when I remember, while I still can. Please make them a special meal, or make it with them, you could make the apple pie you said you dreamed about making for them... I love that we cook together, I want them to know in the future how important and special it is to make food from scratch and I want them to remember me when they make their own food. We also love to dance, and sing, I sing at the top of my lungs. We used to dance in Jandira, we dance now and I hope you still dance!!! I love to dance ’gold‘ with them, but last month or so I was loving to sing ’once in a lifetime’, and last year we loved to dance ‘mashiach’ and I loved to sing my Hillsong United hits and the list goes on and on... I remembered so many songs actually. I don’t want to have kids tho, not soon at least, who knows someday I change my mind, do you think differently? I’m sorry because this letter is not very organized since I’m writing here in the middle of everything already written before; as I said, I had to stop and then come back, and it’s coming too many things, so I hope it fits all in one letter... give me a discount because -> FIVE YEARS! Today is a memorable day, cause my dad reached out to me and told me he loves me: “ Muito lindinha! Te amo filha!💕” (Abt a pic of me on my 4th bday) And I cant get over it. How’s yours relationship? Until June 2020 it’s all just painful, loving him is painful, not loving him is little less, but still... idk, complicated. Are your parents together? Like really? Or is it just as it has always been? Is Vóvis still around? If yes, please tell her how much you love her, make her something special PLEASE don’t pass any more time; if not, I want to assure you that I already did it, and I told her that I love her every time meaning it and remembering it! I want you to know that it doesn’t matter how it is, I’m taking every opportunity I have to tell her how much I love her and that you can always do it with everyone who crosses your way, please, do that for me. (This letter is making me cry a lot) What does life feels like to you there? What are the crazy things God made in your life? Cause he always does and I love it, I mean, I live for these things. It’s scary, but it’s meaningful and that’s why I’m here! I think a lot about the future and life... are you living your best life? How far have we come? Do you think I would understand things I do if we had a conversation? I hope you still remember to see the sun and feel the breeze and really see things and ppl, I hope to never lose it. I just want you to realize all the things that matter. Do you still stop and look at the sky? Or the stars? You know, I hope you still have the deep moments with God everyday. I hope you are truly living, that you feel alive. Did you lost someone? I’m sorry, it all just got me thinking about it all... even if it is a celebrity... Did you? And I’m sorry if yes... it’s crazy. Btw, have you met a celebrity? Do you still struggle with money? What about the church? How is it between you and the church? How is Dani? Samuel, Gabriel? Wellington? Are your mom and her still friends? Are they always together like it used to be? WOW Samuel and Gabriel must to be so grown now, it’s actually scary... is Samuel and Isaque friends? Where do you live? Are you in Brazil? I love it here 🇧🇷💓 but it was told that I would not stay long here... how is it yet? Are you yourself around ppl? What was the most painful moment? And what is the greatest joys you have? Have you met the snow? Did you ski? And ice skate in a lake? Please tell me you did. Have you went to the ‘asilo’? Because it’s something I want to do but I’m a little afraid of doing things on my own. I dream about having someone to do everything with. And I want to see the aurora boreal. And go to a trip in a train like in those tiktoks that feels like another reality, but it’s not something I want so bad to do, I just would like to. Maybe go to Paris, Oregon, visit one of those blue lakes in Canada, do trails. I want to go to Israel. By now you have probably read the entire bible. Do you have a video on YouTube? Have you learned how to paint? Play the guitar? How’s it going with the piano? Did you take that ballet class you wanted? Have you had more of those conversations you love, with old ppl? You know how to drive haha awesome! How is Meg doing? Is she still alive? Man, that’s the hard part of writing this... she loves to swim, she loves her one toy, loves to play with tennis balls, wood sticks, toys, kids toys, anything you want to use basically haha, she goes on walks without needing the ‘guia’ it even looks like she’s trained, I like to play hide and seek when we go to horto, she only leaves the house if someone goes with her, never alone, and I ‘ensinei’ (bc I’m not sure abt the word in English) her these tricks: sit, give the paw and lay down and to jump obstacles. I’m her owner, and I love our bond. She’s the best dog in pretty much every aspect we had till this day. She stay solta com as galinhas (só pq to cansando de escrever kkkkk, to escrevendo o que for mais prático na hora, most of the time is English, imagina você lendo tudo isso kkkk, um verdadeiro livro) And I love to go on walks with her and take her to swim 💓 She’s really special and I wish I could take her places with me more often, but I’m not driving my car yet, cuz Corona Virus 😀✌🏻, she is 12 by now... man, that’s hits me... Do you still have the hens and roosters? I love them ❤️ Wormie or Warmie, I’m not sure about the name I chose, it’s was originally O but when I say it I can only see A... anyways, he is not adult, he’s more like a chicken and just started to sing last week or so, my personal favorite... he makes me laugh with his special personality, he’s the first one to come after food, he follows us everywhere when he wants food, if he sees someone with a shovel, there he is, waiting for worms and bugs, he sings all the time, I like to carry him but he doesn’t like when I try to catch him, so he “bites” me haha, he absolutely loves food way too much, get into the house after food and more. Galoso (kkkkkkk nunca tinha escrito, soa engraçado) is such a beautiful and young rooster, my mom’s favorite! He’s funny too haha he’s always watching everything and everyone around him and when you get closer, he starts pretending he’s catching things on the floor, to eat, and I bet that he’s just thinking if he wants to attack you or not kkkk jk, these days he did this with little rocks... Ollie, he’s a rooster, more to a chicken age, beautiful, yellow, he is the one who sings the least, and he’s so lazy and zen that makes me laugh too, in fact all of them makes me laugh hahaha, so lets just put it this way, they’re all very funny; he’s a lovely introvert rooster haha that spends most of his time laying anywhere everywhere. Mackenzie is the gray hen, my fav hen (galinha caipira). Chloe is the oldest but lovely. Charlotte and Barrenta are sisters (brown hens), same age Galoso. Sunshine, Scarlett and Grace three sisters (brown hens). Ok, I’m officially tired of writing hahaha, don’t know if I have ever written something this extensive all at once. But it’s 5 years. My heart hurts now and I won’t see this during five years... like, it won’t be on my hands to read whenever I want. Or will it? Only God knows. Idk how to say goodbye now. I’ve been writing for MORE than 2 hours non stop. I cried, I felt it, I meant it, and the songs I’ve been listening for the past 3 hours are just noises by now. I love you and I hope you share this to someone really special. All the love, jk, Idek how to love properly I didn’t talk about Jesus a lot in this letter because it’s so much I can’t even put it in words, but my greatest joy is to know that he will be there (here, 2025), as he has always been, the same way he was there loving me when he first thought of me, the same way the day I was born, the same way all the years before getting to really know him, the same way he’s here now in my darkest times and brightest days, the same way he will be there now, the same way he will be in 10 years, 20, 30 years, the same way he will ALWAYS and FOREVER be. From all of the things I mentioned here and didn’t, but could’ve, from all the things I don’t and the things I don’t, I’m sure of just this one and only thing and it’s Him, His Love, He’s presence, Everything that He is. I’m totally sure that he will be there, even if nothing happens as I could fit in my imagination. He is the one and only, He’s all I ever needed and ever will. All I want is Him. All I have is Him. And my desire for you is that you fall in love with Him everyday more and that you are so immersed in him and his lovely eyes that you can’t look at anything else, that you don’t have to look at anything else. All I truly want for you, is all that He is. It doesn’t matter where you are right now, how you are now, because it has always been all about him, and you can be anywhere but in one place you remain, His Love, His arms, in Christ alone. This is the best part of this entire letter. This is my hope, this is my dream, it’s Jesus. I could talk about him for hours, but you’re with him everyday and you know it more than ou could tell or write. He’s all that we are, and He’s the reason why we are here. I love him and I just wanted to say it, say it everywhere and I miss him, because I still struggle with some wrong beliefs about him, but he means everything to me, and talking about him... man, talking about him... he’s the best person, the best everything I can’t even express. He’s so lovely, so good, so aaaaaaaaaaaa. I try to find the words but I can’t. I love him, because he loved me first. He carried me all this way, all the time. ALL THE TIME. He never left us. Even when I couldn’t see, even when I questioned his goodness, even when I lost faith, even when I blamed him, he’s still here, with open arms... He is the only one I need, the only thing I need, he’s all I want. Well, I could stay here talking about him for infinite hours... and I wanted to ❤️ But finally, All the love from Him and your 2020 18 year old Lilian 💓 I loved writing this for you, hope you love to read it as much as I enjoyed writing! Started 20/06/2020 but finished 21/06/2020 00:22. Ps: sorry abt any grammatical mistakes; I know how to write properly (I guess...), but somethings acabam passando batido. Ah, também queria escrever em pt, mas tá aí, é o que temos pra hoje) 🦋