A letter from June 12th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It’s the 12th of June. 2020. I know things are tuff right now. You are tuning 12 in 17 days. Yay. You are very young. I know that your parents are fighting and arguing every day. You feel sad. You feel worthless. You don‘t feel good enough. You have.....suicidal thoughts. You feel depressed. I want to see a therapist or psychologist sooo bad...I want to ask my mom one day if I could see one...There are so many problems in your life..1. Family problems. like arguing, misunderstanding, fighting and more. I know that your parents will get a divorce in some months. But I‘m happy about that. My dad abused us mentally. He made my mom and me cry almost everyday. I mean I still love him. He buys us things, he drives us to places, he plays games with us, but ... I just want my parents divorced so we could be happy again. I can’t stand their fights anymore. I am so ******* sick of it. Whenever I see kids with parents that actually love each other I get jealous...just image having that..I cry myself everyday to sleep..Just hearing people argue makes me cry. I am so tired of it. My uncle got into a car crash in November and I cried so much. I’m Turkish and Uzbek but I love I’m Germany. My uncle loves in Turkey and that day was one of the worst days I’ve ever had. It was raining outside. Like.. a lot. I was walking home from school but I called my mom and wanted to ask her If she could come and drive me home because it was raining...but then she told me that a drunk man drove INTO my uncle and he broke many bones. He lost a lot of blood and was injured. He could die any moment. She is on her way to the airport and I should walk home and just pray that he gets better. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shook. She hung up and I cried so much. I almost screamed. But I just walked home. Crying. And people were watching me and it was so embarrassing because I cry really ugly haha. But yeah. That’s it. He is better now. His heart stopped beating 3 times but I am so happy that he is good now. He can’t walk. In December 24th my family and I flew to Turkey to visit him and I also missed my grandma so much. She is one of my favorite people in the world. Anyways, when I went into his room in the hospital I bursted into tears and cried and cried and cried. I missed him so much. And my whole family in Turkey too. Soo that’s it. 2. friends. I have a lot of friends but I really know that a lot of them are fake. I have 2 friends that I am very close with and Text/Videochat almost everyday. One friend broke my heart. I think you know exactly who that is, future me. My best friend lives really far away but...she’s really mean to me sometimes. We get into a lot of fights but I still love her ofc :) 3. My thoughts. My thoughts are very emotional and brutal. Whatever I do..I do it wrong. I am so ugly. I fake my smile so often. Nobody needs me. Everyone would feel better without me. That means I’m worthless. I don’t really have motivation to live but I know that my mom would be very sad so that’s 1 reason I’m still fighting. I know she couldn’t live without me because she needs someone to kinda hype her up you know. Tell her that she’s beautiful, tell her that she is going to get out that toxic marriage, tell her that she’s strong. My sister says those things too, but not like me. She’s young and she doesn’t really know how my mom feels. But I do. I want her to get divorced so bad. I know that she would be so much happier. Will I make it till 2025? I don’t want to love anymore but on the other side I still want to do crazy ****.. I want to meet new people and have a boyfriend when I’m like 15/16. I want to go to parties, sneak out, have more sleep overs with my friends, etc. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want someone to tell me I’m beautiful. I want someone to tell me they love me and show me how to do things right when I do things wrong. But I just have nobody like that. Oufff I wish.. I can’t talk to my best friend about that.. Nobody knows anything that I said in this letter. Nobody. I’m scared to tell anyone that I have suicidal thoughts..that I just feel the way I do..I want to see a therapist so baddd...But I’m strong. I will tell my mom one day. Yes. I will:) I am strong. I will get trough all this ****. +Please don’t expect too much from others. Don’t trust anyone. Everyone can break your heart. Even the ones who promised to never hurt you. Just please don’t trust everyone so fast. Don’t be surprised if they do something don’t breaks your heart. You know that everyone could do that. So please don’t trust everyone you meet. 4. School. School makes me sick. School doesn’t bring anything to anyone. Do you think someone will ask me someday what happened 1835 in Egypt or something? No! I know maths are important but maths from elementary school. You know..how to do multiplication and stuff. The fact that you have to get up so early 5 times a week to go to a place where you learn and study for some tests but forget everything after that anyways, destroys my mind. I just have time on weekends to meet friends, go out or just ******* LIVE is so ****** up. Like...let me live and have fun instead going to a place like HELL. I have friends at school and it’s fun sometimes but..no. I don’t want to have school. Just 2-3 hours but not ******* 5. Almost everyone there is fake and toxic anyways. Except like 5 people. I hate homework. I don’t understand anything in maths and have mental breakdowns because I just can’t understand it. I seem like the „funny“ girl who you can have fun with. Almost everyone also thinks my life is perfect. Hunny what? No❤️. It isn’t. 5. The coronavirus. I hope the coronavirus won’t be there in 5 years. Many people died because of the coronavirus and we are in quarantine. We can still go out tho and meet with our friends. But it’s dangerously of course. What if I will never read this letter because in 5 years everyone is dead because of it? I am so scared. I just hope someone will find a healing. Schools, cinemas, parks and a lot of other places are closed. My school is opening next week. But it was closed for 3 months. 6. The world. When do things get better? Please tell me. When? And why the hell is trump a president? He is a rapist. And a racist piece of ****. He is a bad president. #bernie2020 #anonymous2020 hahaha. George Floyd was ****** by a police some weeks ago. Donald Trump didn’t care. Black lives matter. But Donald doesn’t think that way. Black people are also humans just like white/brown/light skin people. Brown and light skin people get hate too but not like black people. Just why? Why are some humans so disgusting and disrespect black people? They have just a ******* different SKIN COLOR!! Skin color!! I just don’t understand!!! What’s so wrong if they have darker skin then white people?! The same thing with Muslims. I am a Muslim and I can’t understand why a lot of people say Muslims are terrorists/ugly/bad people? Sooo that was reason number 6 why I hate this world/myself/the way I live. I am just praying that I will get happy in 5 years:) I hope everything will be so much better. I hope I’m still alive.. I want to be a psychologist when I’m older so I can help other people who go through the same thing or similar to that. I don’t want anyone to feel this way. I was not diagnosed with depression but I’m so sure I have it. I also could have adhd and anger issues. I am not trying to be “funny” or anything. I am dead serious. I want help. I need help. I can’t get trough this alone. I’m praying that I will be strong enough to tell my mom I will see a therapist/ psychologist. If ur going through the same thing.. please talk to someone. Please get yourself help!! I believe in you!! ❤️ I wrote a lot haha but I hope that’s ok. I have tiktok btw. I don’t know if I’d still have it in 5 years but idk. I’m also on the elite side 😎 #freeadam2020. (There is so much hate in this world. You have to accept that. ❤️ Please don’t be so emotional in the future.) That’s it future me. Bye.