A letter from June 11th, 2020

Dear Future-Me, How are you doing right now? Are you in a relationship? Are you still drawing? If you're still eating cheetos and watching 'Mob Psycho 101' for the umpteenth time, then I'm glad some things haven't changed. I don't want to seem too out of character in the future. it'd be too unnerving wouldn't you say? As of today, I'm currently writing to you from June 11th, 2020. the day of our 24th birthday. Right now, I'm in a relationship with an okay guy named A***. He seems too much like me in some aspects, yet I greatly enjoy his company whenever we hang out. He even makes me laugh so effortlessly that my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. despite that, whenever we try to have a conversation about each other or anything outside of... normal-people things, he doesn't seem much for recalling anything wholesome or ambitious. as much as I think of him being a cool person to hang out with, I can't see myself having a future with him. Everytime I try thinking about him in a romantic sense, the thought of him as a friend seems more appealing to me. I want to break it off with him soon... I think I'll wait a little while longer until I muster up the courage. Don't get me wrong, I'm not just breaking up with the guy because of his lack of personality or something, but i don't want to keep him waiting for me like a dog whose owner is at work for the next few hours... Personally I don't want a relationship where the person and I can only communicate by texting... i want to feel the embrace of the person I love, give them gifts, and become independent enough to support both myself and that special person someday. I want to look at the eyes of the person I adore and tell them, "I love you so very dearly" and see that sparkle of understanding as their response for once, you know? Then again, that might just be the hopeless romantic in me fantasizing about what could rarely be. Other than my love life, I've been improving my art more than i could fathom. it looks much sleeker and smooth with better proportions and anatomy. I have yet to attempt to draw realism and paint my mural, but I'm starting as soon as I have the motivation. Before I tell you about my progress in life thus far... I gotta tell you... isn't it amazing how far we've come? I mean, don't you feel so lucky that we managed to survive a lifetime of isolation and 4 years of our horrible father only to finally find what being loved feels like? the idea of us being worthy of such a powerful emotion and accepting it in increments still overwhelms me sometimes. I'm still fearful of our dad coming back into our lives and going through the same treatment again, but more than anything, I'm scared of our mom going through it again. More so than me, especially. Can I ask if you've reunited with Giovanni yet? I want to let him know that 24 year old me really really REALLY wants to hug him and apologize to him for all of the grief and pain he had to shoulder through since I left our old home. I want to share my games with him, I want to work out with him, I want to teach him spanish and how to talk to girls and share any secrets only we can both laugh about for years afterwards... I- I want to tell him that I'm so sorry I abandoned him and ask for his forgiveness a thousand times over. I want to let him know that he deserves more than what the world gave him. Giovanni... if you manage to read this. I miss you very dearly... and I love you so much that I'm currently bawling like a baby typing this out at the moment. Ahem... now that I recovered that personal shift, lemme tell you about what I've done so far... I think we can both agree that this 2019 was our busiest year yet! not only did we get a few jobs, like being an insurance agent and a nurse looking out for the elderly, we even got an apartment and managed to get a girlfriend in that year! We even got to go to our first Pride! I still remember taking Arianna's hand with the biggest smiles on our faces as she, her father and I roamed around the streets of Downtown El Paso seeing nothing but rainbows and more homosexuals than I can count alone that day. I was pretty bummed out when Ari wanted to break things off, but we're still best friend to this day and I am extremely grateful to this day. And then there's Thanksgiving. I was invited by Tia Mari, (bless her soul) to go with her to Austin and meet the family I haven't seen in over a decade. and most importantly, to see Giovanni again. Isela was happy that I was there, and I totally got to reconnect with June. I can't say that I was proud of my meek shyness when I didn't help with organizing dinner with the women. We tried to find Giovanni by one of his old jobs like Pizza Hut, but our hunt went cold real quick. As sad as I was, I still had optimism. Immediately after thanksgiving though, I went to mexico on Giovanni's birthday. I wanted to do something special for him that day, but travelling to Mexico was explicit that day... it wasn't all that bad though I was to transport Tia Polda's old van to Mexico with my mother in the passenger's seat, and while we had a problem getting into the first gate with a 4 year old sticker on the car and my mother having a panic attack thinking we were gonna be detained going back to el paso, we ended up going to a different part of the border that wasn't as heavily active with paranoid immigration officers that time, and during the journey, I got to have one of the most personal conversations with my mom that I didn't want the night to end. I felt so warm that night that I didn't even need a blanket that night despite the cold weather coming back home. I was so content riding the huge spacious trunk of the van along with the luggage, I would do it again in a heartbeat. After that, I haven't done anymore progress with my life. Sure I reconnected with some of my friends in the past and made a few more, but I haven't gotten much done. 2020 came and I finally started getting some therapy sessions. even though I have to speak in spanish to communicate my mindset with Mrs. Yasmin, things were improving with my sociability and outdoor activities, slowly but surely. And as much as I want to tell this to someone... I missed El Paso, and still do... Will I come back to the city that I grew up in and become my own person over there someday? Because you know as well as I do that I don't want to permanently live in Mexico for the rest of my life. But hey... that's always gonna be OUR secret, right? And because 2020 is the year that I'm writing this message to you, here's a recap of what I'd like to mutually call, "the WORST year so far": -Covid 19 and huge quarantine regulations throughout the world and especially in El Paso. -Kobe died -****** hornets and cicadas coming out to terrorize the earth -RACISM across the U.S. because of the police terrorizing anyone who isn't due to George Floyd's ***** -the BLM (Black Lives Matter) movement justifiably uprising against the rogue police and the last two are BARELY happening in June. However, the worst thing that happened recently was Mom finding our NSFW sketchbook. I hid it behind the bed near the right nightstand, but I might just move it again just to feel safe. Other than that, that's all of the important things I have to tell you... that, and I want to thank you. Thank you for trying to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Thank you for trying to reconcile with the past and trying to move forward. And If you're still at it, thank you for taking care in the smallest things that may not mean much to ourselves, but mean the WORLD to only you and I. Thank you Zenia... I hope that when you read this... you remember that you are still very much worthy of love, you're beautiful, and that you can look back into the past every once in a while with a smile on your face because of the growth you currently wield when you see this e-mail. Take care of yourself, Zen. I love you. and tell everyone close to you that you love them too, okay. good bye, from June 11th, 2020 ~^-^~