A letter from June 10th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I still feel the need to write down - express - how much I long for everything to change and how I feel about it all. I don't write things down so much anymore. I guess I have less time to think than I did. I think I feel things less now - but honestly, I don't really know. I wonder why after all this time I'm still not ok with everything. And I think that's what makes the future a such an infuriating focus for me. I can't stop thinking about it. If I'm not thinking about the future then I'm focusing on the past, and if I'm not doing that then I'm worrying about what is happening now - clearly that doesn't matter because reading this now the people I am worrying about now don't even know me now. That much I hope I can be certain on. I wonder if I still long for change but find it so hard to deal with. I wonder if endings still mean so much to me. I wonder if I still care what people think of me - so much. I'm 23 - but I can't imagine 28. But I couldn't imagine 23 at 17 and I hope I'm not as disappointed at 28 as I was at 23. I don't know if I should be - that's the problem with comparison to others by yourself and others - it's hard to tell if I could have ever ended up anywhere else. I wish I could just accept it always would have ended up this way. This is just who I am. I honestly wish with all my heart, that life hadn't been so difficult up to this point. I used to tell myself it made me a better person. But that's not true - and no matter how much I know it's pointless, I just wish the last time I was content wasn't so long ago I can't even remember it. I don't know if right now I'm entering a new chapter (because I haven't turned one of those for such a long time) in my life. I don't, but I really hope so. I feel like we could really be something - ha, an unexpected reference to Taylor Swift and I guess the last time I felt all good for a person. I hope it works this time, I really do. I hope I don't spend my days doing the same things and looking for satisfaction. I hope I live it every day. This I think I hope for the most. To not have to watch everyone else living a life I long for. To just do. I dislike how everything I write is sad. And things I hope for. And wish. And want to change. I hope I stop having to write things like this down. I know you can't be happy all the time - I just wish I wasn't sad. And there it goes again - I really can't help myself. At least I have self reflection to realise how ridiculous I am, I suppose. I don't know, finally - I think I should write a list of a few things that mean a lot to me right now and in the recent past. Because this I genuinely do enjoy looking back at - and I think there really is some joy to be found in remembering even in dark times there were things you forgot that you used to enjoy. So here goes ******* Eve - and the YouTube parody (omg!) The fact I fell into meeting incredible housemates and went for long walks, had BBQs, went on drives and just lived like I'd never been able to Finding nice cards to send to people Last year, when it was summer and I absolutely loved going to the gym before work, shopping in Asda and eating healthily and seeing my friend at work every day That l live near the beach, and I have a really good friend here. Even if we've drifted apart recently. That I've met so many genuinely nice people My car (lol!) Shopping in a big supermarket on a day off at a completely random time, out of sync, when it's quiet and just browsing and picking up new things and things I like the look of and things I love that I haven't had in so long Going for drives and finding random, insanely beautiful bits of countryside so near to me that I didn't know existed Playing music so loud at work (!) Watching James bond films Watching Friday night dinner (Jim!!) Re-watching old WWE and remembering how in awe I used to be of everything And finally... Sleeping! In such a nice comfortable bed, when it's slightly cold and omg you're so tired and aching and you lay down in that soft bed with a thick duvet! I hope you're doing well - and I hope you have hope for the future Stay positive ;-)