A letter from June 10th, 2020

June 10, 2020 0805 Dear FutureMe, Honestly you're gonna be 24 this year. Time really does go by fast, huh? I really wonder though, if you're gonna be happy. Right now, I'm still trying to figure **** out. I don't know if I should blatantly cuss on this, but it's whatever. I feel like I'm going through a phase - but maybe it's not. And I hope I snapped out of it by the time I get this and read it. Maybe I'll laugh it off. I don't know. But I do know, is that I'm figuring myself out. You should smile more. You've always been beautiful but you just kept focusing on your flaws. Up till now, anyways. It was pretty sad, to live as if you were a mistake because you weren't enough for them. Their expectations though. *Sigh* - you probably just felt that sigh too. Haha. Your expectations for yourself, ****. And no matter how strong you were, you were weak. Everything was just a wall you put up - a facade. You always had to be the person that wanted them to smile, to laugh, maybe even become their protector. Because family was THAT important to you. You focused on them, but should've been focusing on yourself. They didn't reciprocate how you feel, so you felt destroyed and not understood. - I feel like I'm analyzing myself right now instead of writing to you, the me five years into the future, sorry about that - You put in so much, only for them to walk away. You felt like less because of the way you were treated, nevertheless, you were selfless. But selfish when it came to focusing on yourself. Sometimes, I laugh at how stupid I am. *Shake my head* I hope you found a really creative outlet, instead of bottling your emotions. It not healthy. I, now, don't really have anyone to talk to. Maybe that is why I am going insane. How bitterly sad is that? Well, except the writing in the notebooks and in Google Docs. Haha. And Sherry? Well, I talked to her recently. I needed the reassurance that I already know about from a different perspective. I love them, ****. Maybe you figured out what you wanna do? Like something you loved. And maybe you probably question if this is even you? It is. Every phase, different faces - are all you. No matter how much you've changed. It has built you. I hate seeing you hurt and being hurt. No more running to your comfort zone. I hope you become the person you wanted to be when you needed someone. I hope you no longer feel weak, powerless, fearful, and not enough - but became more courageous, more outstanding, determined, confident, righteousness, filled with dignity, morals, ethics, to feel and look powerful - both in mind and physically. That you sorted yourself out eventually. If not, you still have time. You need to fix your aura! Fix any bias. An introvert and extrovert when you get comfy. Babe, bathe in your skin! Be confident. You love adventures, you're free spirited and outgoing as ****. I know that will never change. I forgot, I hope you find love or at least experienced it. Since there's no rush. I hope you stayed fcking active, don't let yourself go again. That **** is difficult to get back at. You know it, I know it, we both know it. I hope you found or have friends that will be around for a lifetime, I think you deserve that much. And hopefully you lost your v-vyy, of course no rush. But you know how we are. I hope it was to someone you really liked. If not, well fck. You can party and ****, but don't forget your priorities. Stop comparing yourself to others, we all live different lives and have our own journeys! I hope you stopped walking around with filters, don't give a **** about what anyone thinks or says. Maybe not be so expressive... Spend more time with your family and stop trying to push them away. Take care of dad, mom. Get to know your siblings well too. Forgive them! You know what I'm talking about. Please GOD, if you're real, don't let anything happen to them. I would rather take the fall for them. Please. I don't want to lose anyone, again. I don't wanna be more broken than I already am. It's gonna be rough to smile. I'm tired. Random but remember that one time you looked at your reflection and despised it. You questioned her and didn't feel the authenticity. Then right next to you, you saw yourself and she was sad. We never really figure out why though, huh? Always wanted to hug her and tell her it was gonna be alright, but it would've been a lie. I wonder by the time you read this, if we made her happy. Maybe that was all she wanted, maybe that's why she kept changing and changing. But we were never enough for each other. :/ But if you don't get this email, because you died or something. I hope you know, you weren't ever alone. You were just often, too stuck in your head to realize what you had was enough. Maybe I'm speaking to myself right now. But I hope it doesn't linger 5 years from now. Don't put your head into your past. I only hope for the best of you. Inside, I know you're ******* yourself, stop! I hope you don't disappoint me. Just kidding. I love you. I'll work hard to fix and improve myself to where you are so I can look back at this and think of how silly I am. Again, I hope the family is good. I don't wanna read back at this and cry, 2020 has been ******* crazy. WWIII, Covid-19, GeorgeFloydMovement, Australias Fire, Kobe and his daughter... If God was real, we would be praying. But we also believe in Buddha. But I find myself praying once in awhile. I'm always sad. I hope it changes by the time I read this. Sincerely, You From The Past (5 years)