A letter from June 9th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, hi. its currently 2:41am and im listening to roselyn. My red lights are on and my on my bed with my white fuzzy blanket. I got this idea from a tiktok i saw. Im 14 and I currently have no clue whats gonna happen in the future. I dont have a clue what i wanna do when im older but im sure that you will choose a good path. I dont have that many friends currently and if you dont either ill probably feel really sad after this. I have one friend that messages me and a boy whos been trying to get nudes out of me for months now. i spend my time sitting in my room alone. Even my online friends dont really care abt me. I have really good friends but they ditched me for a better and cooler group. Theyre already loosing their virginity and i havent even had my first kiss or ever had a bf. The main reason is probably because im insecure but im trying my best to work on that. I feel like theyll be disappointed by my personality, by my body, my face and overall me. I used to starve myself mom would shout at me about how no man would love me. she denies it now, like she denies everything. I used to think about ******* myself everyday. I had no support and my family thought that shouting at me was gonna fix me.But of course they deny it now because its all my fault. I used to wake up and wish that i could fall back to sleep and never wake up.''You look like *****'' ''look at yourself'' ''you should eat more, it would make you curvier'' ''your *** is getting flatter'' ''look at your eyebags'' ''look at yourself'' ''when are you gonna bring a boy home?'' ''stop making that face you look disgusting'' ''stop crying''. I come home from school and watch my friends go and hangout without me almost everyday on sc. They arent even my friends anymore. I just gonna live like every other teen in my school... go out, date, get intoxicated with friends once in a while, have sleepovers, mess around, go out after school and during weekends. I make myself believe im ok but deep down i know that im not. I got out of depression by myself and ive started eating but ive lately started hating my body and myself again. Im planning on working out during the summer, taking care of my skin, getting a few peircings and maybe getting my hair done, getting new clothes maybe. Its summer 2020 right now and im going into third year soon. This summer im planning on growing my confidence and changing myself for the better. knowing the clown I am im probably gonna gonna remain trying to be friends with them but im also gonna try and make new friends as hard as i can. I wanna put myself out of my comfort zone as much as possible. I hope i grow up to be confident and proud of myself. Secondary school has completely change me and at first i lost myself and proceeded my fall into depression but ive pulled myself out and im gonna become the best version of myself. at this point im writing nonsense but im sure youll understand. futureself, if you even see this and check your email, remember to love yourself and to be your own bestfriend.<3